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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2011 4:16:28 GMT -7
I have made another post called the Truth is Out today.
In all this, it has revolved around me and my feelings, issues, problems, emotions and so forth.
I need to understand how my wife feels and how I understand or begin to understand what I have done in her eyes.
I have lied for so long and I can see her burning with emotional pain.
I just want to hold her and hug her and tell her it will be ok but know that she currently despises me for my actions and addiction.
Simple to follow steps would really be appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2011 17:03:15 GMT -7
Hi Chris,
I'm not sure what you mean by steps, but I will try to share some of my earliest thoughts upon discovery of pornography. (By God's grace physical unfaithfulness did not occur.)
"Lies! Every time he said I was beautiful! Every time he said the stretch marks didn't matter! Lies!!! My father told me that if I wasn't everything he wanted that this would happen. It is what he did to my mother. What is my life going to be like without him after all of these years of marriage. ... And I have loved him with all of my heart... But there is no heart left... it is shattered... my stomach is in knots. There is no way I am even going to be able to change with him in the room. Can we keep up appearances at least until our youngest graduates? I'm not perfect, but what did I ever do to deserve this? How could I have been so stupid?!?!"
That is just a random sample, as best I remember. It is an overwhelming feeling of having been compared and found desperately wanting. It is the epitomy of being cast aside. It makes us just one of any given number of women, not at all special like we were promised to be on our wedding day. Rejection.
That you are seeking understanding, presumably in repentance, with intention of expressing sorrow and compassion, is a good start. It is nearly impossible to forgive someone of something for which they seem to have no clue of what it meant to you. Though her anguish will probably feel like daggers of indictment each time you witness it, you need to witness and grasp its reality to have any hope of healing in your marriage. Too many guys say "Just get over it. Forgive and forget." But it is nowhere near that easy. Trust is shattered, and the only way to rebuild it is to demonstrate yourself trustworthy. Considering the length and depth of your behavior, that could very well take quite a while. I do not say that to discourage you, but to urge patience.
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2011 8:12:43 GMT -7
There is no recipe for recovery. There are no steps you can follow to fix this.
A random sample of my initial thoughts, as I remember them, interspersed with my current thoughts:
This can't be. If he is capable of hiding this from me for 23 years, what else is he capable of? Who is this monster I'm married to? Why didn't I see this? OMG did he molest my children? All the times he made me feel in inadequate, this is what I was being compared to? All the times I redoubled my efforts to be a better wife and mother, I was being compared to a fantasy. All the times I begged him for conversation, all the times I hauled him to marriage counseling complaining that he was not engaged in the marriage........this is what he was doing. The truth is out. I was not wrong in my assessment. I am vindicated. I am not crazy. He is one sick SOB. The earthy man who is supposed to be my source of support and comfort is the source of my unbelievable pain. I hate this man. I want him gone. I want to tell the world I am not crazy. I want to go back and re-live every time he gaslighted me and tell him off. I want to go back and relive every time he sneered at me and let him have it........hand it to him on a platter. I should have left him when I first had the notion to leave him. I want a mulligan on my life. I wasted the best 23 years of my life trying to make the lie work. My entire marriage has been a lie. My "husband" is dead to me. The safety and security I thought I had has all been an illusion. I am in mourning. I am mourning the death of a delusion....a carefully crafted and sold delusion. I am married to a compulsive liar. I am married to a con artist. He is a self-centered 12 year old, always has been. You saw that many times. Why didn't you call him on that? You did, on ocassion, and there was a brief moment when reality dawned on him, then he went right back to his old ways. I should have left him.........decades ago.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2011 2:46:46 GMT -7
How does your wife feel?
Where does one being to tell you.
You've ripped her heart out after stabbing her with a large knife.
You probably made a mockery of all that she held dear.
You have made her doubt all the years you were with her. What was true? Was ANY of it true?
Does that help?
LadyP
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2011 20:55:13 GMT -7
I have made another post called the Truth is Out today. In all this, it has revolved around me and my feelings, issues, problems, emotions and so forth. I need to understand how my wife feels and how I understand or begin to understand what I have done in her eyes. I have lied for so long and I can see her burning with emotional pain. I just want to hold her and hug her and tell her it will be ok but know that she currently despises me for my actions and addiction. Simple to follow steps would really be appreciated. I just want to say that your coming clean, and genuinely wanting to know how she feels, is in itself, the best thing you can do. I know that for me, the worst part of it all, is not being allowed to share my heart, and its pain. I want to advise you that while you are brave, please brace yourself for anything. Her feelings will likely be all over the place. She could go from immense love, grace, forgiveness, and concern for you, to outrage, horror, extreme pain, and screams, all within a matter of seconds. Please understand that she will have her own journey ,of healing that will likely take a long time. Again, I want to commend you on your heart to understand her heart. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2011 10:02:03 GMT -7
Thank you for your advice...and I am having to make sure that whilst I am getting lots of help, I keep her at the centre of my life as well as God in order that I do not go back to my old ways ever again.
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