Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2011 2:11:04 GMT -7
I am new to Blazing Grace and have just "imploded" my marriage.
Three weeks ago my wife asked me to be truthful about our relationship. She had a strong instinct that I had been up to no good and found I had left a dating website open with PM dialogue to a woman I was chatting to.
Layer by layer I started to tell her what I had done..both prior to our marriage and during our marriage.
This has had a devastating effect.
In short...I started down the road to Sex and Love Addiction in August 1999 after my Father died and during a period when my wife of the time and I were at breaking point. In fact, coming to think of it...my 1st wife was the first woman who I dated originally for lust...so my problems started earlier than this..circa 1993. I just did not recognise this until writing this morning which is Father's day here in the UK.
My first marriage was characterised by me being regularly on the receipt of violence and I was not strong enough to leave her. She always told me she would stop and I trusted her each time.
It was not however a loving relationship. Eventually between marriage guidance and the doctor she was referred for anger management at the local hospital. However, the crunch came when the marriage counselor asked us both to write a list of the good and bad points of each other. Sadly I compiled three pages of things that were bad or wrong. It is about this time that I developed a deep longing to be loved.
After my Dad died I decided that my priority was to be happy and find love that I was so desperate for. However, on using the early personal messaging systems and an early networking site, I became quite hooked on the messages, the flirtations and then became bolder and sought out to meet people.
Within weeks I had met two women and temporarily felt good. I know at this point I became addicted to receiving the messages and photographs of these women who all seemed keen to chat and meet.
Then in September of 1999 I saw this wonderful women's profile and contacted her. We chatted for hours and hours and I told her everything about my life, my bereavement and so forth. I missed out the detail on my away days...somehow ruling they didn't count.
We met....got on brilliantly and in fact I fell in love straight away.
I moved out from my wife and children and so started the next 12 years of my life.
Within a couple of weeks I felt terrible guilt imposed for me not having access to my children and my life was in turmoil.
My children were 5 and 3 at the time.
Without my kids my life was not complete. It was very hard indeed.
So, I went back to my wife and did not tell the woman who I had fallen for.
It was a traumatic time, my wife wanting every detail and me having to lie to cover up my true feelings.
A few weeks later, I got a call to say the woman I loved was pregnant. This was perhaps the most dramatic thing that had ever happened. I was torn. I had a wife who wanted to try and fix things and two children I adored and this woman who had been in my life for a few weeks who I had fallen for. For sure I knew the baby was conceived out of love.
I was panic stricken and could not even contemplate what to do. What would my family (strictly religious) say? What would happen to my house and assets...what will become of me.
I know I was only thinking of me in the start.
My wife wanted us to retake our vows...and told me I had to see the Priest and make a confession.
I remember being in a position where i had no friends I could tell and no family member I could trust in total confidence. It was very hard to face up to.
I met one woman in this time, but it was to share problems and discuss...not revert to womanising.
I still saw this woman and I recall her wanting me and me having to decline...in a moral abyss not knowing which way to turn or what was right and wrong.
Eventually in the Summer of 2000, this beautiful boy was born. It was a life changing moment.
We spoke on the phone and met when possible.
Eventually she contacted my boss and told him what had happened. At last I had someone who could share with me.
Although I now felt very exposed.
I now was faced with having to pay for another house and family.
Each evening whilst walking the dog, I would speak to this woman and work out how we were going to plan our future.
I cannot remember how or why it happened....In the November of 2000, my wife and I had a major row and she realised that a baby had been born. I moved out and straight in with the woman I loved and so started a long period of turmoil.
My family were not happy with me. They disliked my wife but felt I should have left before setting up a new family.
Indeed...what happened in the coming years defies my belief now.
Much was done to make my life impossible and unkind words used to try and split us up. My ex-wife became a force of evil and no film can depict what we both went through.
Despite this, we had another beautiful baby born in the Fall of 2001.
My family interference got bad and my partner got badly affected by Post Natal Depression. This happened at the same time I lost my business and so suddenly became dependent on my family for financial support. This had a price as they wanted every detail of what had happened.
At times we split from the stress...despite our strong love, we used unkind words as the stress got us and when apart I started acting out.
As I write this I now wonder if it was a stress release? I am not sure but will keep you posted as this gets written.
Sadly, the acting out was addictive...and on numerous occasions I got caught. Every time I denied any physical activity and blamed her for us being separated.
My bottom line back then in the early 2000's was to use the mobile telephone and adult dating chat sites.
I never owned up to this.
In the summer of 2008 we got married.
I then acted out again in June 2009 whilst on a business trip.. I used a massage service and had sex with a woman in Hong Kong.
Whenever life was stressful it seemed acting out was my excuse.
In March of 2009, I think it was, I was contacted by someone on skype randomly...and I used this to chat explicitly and then I used an MSN messenger to chat and receive pictures from a woman.
This was discovered in the summer and my wife went ballistic and I admitted to the two offences and we moved on. It seemed much of the following months were on the sofa...and from time to time I would still act out online.
By the December of 2010 things were strained and I moved into a Hotel for a few days. I then acted out and joined a dating web site. It was great getting all the attention and messages and an ego boost.
I joined several other dating sites, although only one was free and therefore able to use it properly.
We then got back together and whilst I de-activated the dating account and we got happy again, I then got tempted to look at it again.
I should add, in this time since Jan 2009 we had been hard hit by the recession and my earnings were 1/25th of what they had been the previous year. I followed a plan to create a lucrative business, but now realise my focus was not wholly on this and acting out a major distraction. You can lose hours online which should have been productive to make and support the family.
The biggest issue I have is the fact that we had a good sex life, amazing in fact, she has supported and shown me huge amounts of love and is my soul mate like no other.
Yet, I have trashed this totally and utterly.
My addiction although recognised now has caused a huge rift and it is likely we will part.
She gave me a list to comply with and I agreed to all the terms.
However, one term to be off my computer by 6pm was broken by me. I realised that a business idea and proposition I have been following is likely to falter so one evening was spent refining my CV and making applications and the same again last night as well as reading this site.
I have asked that we pray together and she cannot face that yet.
We were both Church goers and I have told the vicar what I have done....
Although as yet I have not had the courage to go back to Church. Condemning myself for being false in so many ways. I even attended the Bible class held bi-weekly. I had strong moral and religious beliefs yet did not live up to my own standards. I am really at odds about this and feel very very insecure. What does God think?
Worse still, my wife does not now know what is true in our marriage because of the lies. We have had a lot of stress and pressures, but the good times were better than you would ever wish for and I am grateful for them. The doubt is her mind is that it is all a lie.
I know how deeply I love her...and yet I am in pain at the distress and hurt and devastation I have caused her.
So far I have attended two SLA and SLAA groups.
I am committed to getting tested for any STI's.
It is easy to make excuses, but the lack of funds has made it hard to travel to the groups and so I am reading the literature but need to get sponsored to stay "sober".
I had been sober for two weeks when I acted out by looking at nude images on the web.
It must have been last Tuesday night.
I now take each day at a time with an affirmation when I wake not to act out and a thank you as I go to sleep.
My desire to act out is very minimal now I can see the true repercussions of my actions.
I truly love my wife and feel totally lost inside and I would really welcome some advice as to how to save my marriage.
Three weeks ago my wife asked me to be truthful about our relationship. She had a strong instinct that I had been up to no good and found I had left a dating website open with PM dialogue to a woman I was chatting to.
Layer by layer I started to tell her what I had done..both prior to our marriage and during our marriage.
This has had a devastating effect.
In short...I started down the road to Sex and Love Addiction in August 1999 after my Father died and during a period when my wife of the time and I were at breaking point. In fact, coming to think of it...my 1st wife was the first woman who I dated originally for lust...so my problems started earlier than this..circa 1993. I just did not recognise this until writing this morning which is Father's day here in the UK.
My first marriage was characterised by me being regularly on the receipt of violence and I was not strong enough to leave her. She always told me she would stop and I trusted her each time.
It was not however a loving relationship. Eventually between marriage guidance and the doctor she was referred for anger management at the local hospital. However, the crunch came when the marriage counselor asked us both to write a list of the good and bad points of each other. Sadly I compiled three pages of things that were bad or wrong. It is about this time that I developed a deep longing to be loved.
After my Dad died I decided that my priority was to be happy and find love that I was so desperate for. However, on using the early personal messaging systems and an early networking site, I became quite hooked on the messages, the flirtations and then became bolder and sought out to meet people.
Within weeks I had met two women and temporarily felt good. I know at this point I became addicted to receiving the messages and photographs of these women who all seemed keen to chat and meet.
Then in September of 1999 I saw this wonderful women's profile and contacted her. We chatted for hours and hours and I told her everything about my life, my bereavement and so forth. I missed out the detail on my away days...somehow ruling they didn't count.
We met....got on brilliantly and in fact I fell in love straight away.
I moved out from my wife and children and so started the next 12 years of my life.
Within a couple of weeks I felt terrible guilt imposed for me not having access to my children and my life was in turmoil.
My children were 5 and 3 at the time.
Without my kids my life was not complete. It was very hard indeed.
So, I went back to my wife and did not tell the woman who I had fallen for.
It was a traumatic time, my wife wanting every detail and me having to lie to cover up my true feelings.
A few weeks later, I got a call to say the woman I loved was pregnant. This was perhaps the most dramatic thing that had ever happened. I was torn. I had a wife who wanted to try and fix things and two children I adored and this woman who had been in my life for a few weeks who I had fallen for. For sure I knew the baby was conceived out of love.
I was panic stricken and could not even contemplate what to do. What would my family (strictly religious) say? What would happen to my house and assets...what will become of me.
I know I was only thinking of me in the start.
My wife wanted us to retake our vows...and told me I had to see the Priest and make a confession.
I remember being in a position where i had no friends I could tell and no family member I could trust in total confidence. It was very hard to face up to.
I met one woman in this time, but it was to share problems and discuss...not revert to womanising.
I still saw this woman and I recall her wanting me and me having to decline...in a moral abyss not knowing which way to turn or what was right and wrong.
Eventually in the Summer of 2000, this beautiful boy was born. It was a life changing moment.
We spoke on the phone and met when possible.
Eventually she contacted my boss and told him what had happened. At last I had someone who could share with me.
Although I now felt very exposed.
I now was faced with having to pay for another house and family.
Each evening whilst walking the dog, I would speak to this woman and work out how we were going to plan our future.
I cannot remember how or why it happened....In the November of 2000, my wife and I had a major row and she realised that a baby had been born. I moved out and straight in with the woman I loved and so started a long period of turmoil.
My family were not happy with me. They disliked my wife but felt I should have left before setting up a new family.
Indeed...what happened in the coming years defies my belief now.
Much was done to make my life impossible and unkind words used to try and split us up. My ex-wife became a force of evil and no film can depict what we both went through.
Despite this, we had another beautiful baby born in the Fall of 2001.
My family interference got bad and my partner got badly affected by Post Natal Depression. This happened at the same time I lost my business and so suddenly became dependent on my family for financial support. This had a price as they wanted every detail of what had happened.
At times we split from the stress...despite our strong love, we used unkind words as the stress got us and when apart I started acting out.
As I write this I now wonder if it was a stress release? I am not sure but will keep you posted as this gets written.
Sadly, the acting out was addictive...and on numerous occasions I got caught. Every time I denied any physical activity and blamed her for us being separated.
My bottom line back then in the early 2000's was to use the mobile telephone and adult dating chat sites.
I never owned up to this.
In the summer of 2008 we got married.
I then acted out again in June 2009 whilst on a business trip.. I used a massage service and had sex with a woman in Hong Kong.
Whenever life was stressful it seemed acting out was my excuse.
In March of 2009, I think it was, I was contacted by someone on skype randomly...and I used this to chat explicitly and then I used an MSN messenger to chat and receive pictures from a woman.
This was discovered in the summer and my wife went ballistic and I admitted to the two offences and we moved on. It seemed much of the following months were on the sofa...and from time to time I would still act out online.
By the December of 2010 things were strained and I moved into a Hotel for a few days. I then acted out and joined a dating web site. It was great getting all the attention and messages and an ego boost.
I joined several other dating sites, although only one was free and therefore able to use it properly.
We then got back together and whilst I de-activated the dating account and we got happy again, I then got tempted to look at it again.
I should add, in this time since Jan 2009 we had been hard hit by the recession and my earnings were 1/25th of what they had been the previous year. I followed a plan to create a lucrative business, but now realise my focus was not wholly on this and acting out a major distraction. You can lose hours online which should have been productive to make and support the family.
The biggest issue I have is the fact that we had a good sex life, amazing in fact, she has supported and shown me huge amounts of love and is my soul mate like no other.
Yet, I have trashed this totally and utterly.
My addiction although recognised now has caused a huge rift and it is likely we will part.
She gave me a list to comply with and I agreed to all the terms.
However, one term to be off my computer by 6pm was broken by me. I realised that a business idea and proposition I have been following is likely to falter so one evening was spent refining my CV and making applications and the same again last night as well as reading this site.
I have asked that we pray together and she cannot face that yet.
We were both Church goers and I have told the vicar what I have done....
Although as yet I have not had the courage to go back to Church. Condemning myself for being false in so many ways. I even attended the Bible class held bi-weekly. I had strong moral and religious beliefs yet did not live up to my own standards. I am really at odds about this and feel very very insecure. What does God think?
Worse still, my wife does not now know what is true in our marriage because of the lies. We have had a lot of stress and pressures, but the good times were better than you would ever wish for and I am grateful for them. The doubt is her mind is that it is all a lie.
I know how deeply I love her...and yet I am in pain at the distress and hurt and devastation I have caused her.
So far I have attended two SLA and SLAA groups.
I am committed to getting tested for any STI's.
It is easy to make excuses, but the lack of funds has made it hard to travel to the groups and so I am reading the literature but need to get sponsored to stay "sober".
I had been sober for two weeks when I acted out by looking at nude images on the web.
It must have been last Tuesday night.
I now take each day at a time with an affirmation when I wake not to act out and a thank you as I go to sleep.
My desire to act out is very minimal now I can see the true repercussions of my actions.
I truly love my wife and feel totally lost inside and I would really welcome some advice as to how to save my marriage.