Is this normal??? Fatigued?

Hey Tim,

Thanks for the reply! To start, I think you make a good point. At first I might not have been self-aware enough to identify how I was choosing to run from negative feelings through my porn use. This has been a hard puzzle to put together in the past mainly due to my immature attitudes toward anti-depressants and paid therapists.

I had good answers for why I felt both were very wrong....but I've since grown up and expanded my understanding of the need for both. I partly avoided counselors b/c it felt wrong to go to someone professionally trained to love people, but I was missing the point. They're equipped with certain tools and methods for helping us sort through our problems and people usually seem to benefit. My aversion I think was more directly related to a mistrust in the basic decency and capacity to love in other people.

I've experienced a lot of hurtful judgment in the past esp. in the church, where there never seemed to be a way out [condemnation vs. conviction]. This has probably contributed to my feelings here. Not to mention experiences with parents, likely the root of this issue.

Antidepressants on the other hand were a harder sell for me, b/c i always expected some kind of huge restorational healing event to take place. All I needed was to have faith and essentially be in the right place at the right time for this to happen. I figured God would heal whatever was causing my depression and change the chemical imbalance in big miraculous display.

I'm the kind of person who really needs to be convinced of things when it's not easily evident that they're found in the Bible. In the case of medication, I equated a use of prozac or something like it to be a band-aid solution a problem of the heart. While I understand this is part of it since we're whole people and need whole solutions that don't ignore a certain part of us. Depression, especially the kind caused by certain types of addiction is more than what's physically happening to us but the physical part makes up a good part of the everyday struggle.

I read an article on how basically unnatural internet pornography is and its effect on our neurochemistry. When we engage in it for prolonged periods of time, we build up an immunity. On top of this, the worse part is our systems are not made to deal with this kind of unnatural flood of stimulus. This is part of what makes it so devastating, we lose our sense of a being full and satiated on something that our minds cannot even process in the first place. We continue to push the limit past the feelings our body puts in place to let us know this is bad for us. I fell again last night after resisting for about 18 days and I noticed something again I'd noticed in the past but have often ignored. After looking at some pretty shocking stuff, initially I felt a little sick in the pit of my stomach until I kept going and pushed through and ignored the feelings.

I don't think it's good to dwell on past failures like Paul said "forgetting what is behind, but straining on towards what is ahead". I've wallowed too much, it's time to start believing what God says about a Life and a Hope he has for me.

I still have hopes for God to do big miraculous stuff in this area, but I think I'm more open to it happening however it happens now. Even if this means counseling and anti-depressants. I'm not sure why I've been so rigid about this in the past, when I've been much more forgiving of myself in other areas. I figured we just have to gut it out through some things, but I've been essentially buried under this thing and have a difficult time getting through everyday parts of life.

I appreciate any prayer support given during this time, I know I need it. I'm starting over the cycle again since last night, feeling a little discouraged. I've been house-sitting for the girlfriends' family. They're out of town, but coming back in today. She and I haven't talked about this yet, I'm not sure whether to burden her with it or not. I know I can't go on like this though, pretending to be strong and on the verge of a mental collapse every couple of days.

You know, what has made more difference for me than anything as far as addiction recovery goes is working with other addicts in 12-step recovery.  That's neither pharmacological nor professional.  It's people working together to help one another and themselves.  I do see a professional counselor as well, though.

On antidepressants: I haven't taken psychiatric medications, but I have friends and family members who do.  On the other hand, my attitude about such things is that one can always try them and see if they make things better, and get off them if they don't.  I do take drugs for heart troubles and for epilepsy, so I have some limited experience with drugs designed to work on our brains.  The routine with anti-epileptics is that there are bunch of different possible medications (not quite 20 right now), some or all or none of which may work for each person.  Finding the right drug(s) and the right dosage can be a matter of a lot of trial and error, working out what gives one decent seizure control without having intolerable side-effects - fatigue, mania, confusion, memory issues, whatever.  For me it turned out to be easy, but for some people it's a royal pain.  But people do it and settle on something.  Your brain's just another organ, after all.  I know it seems scary the first time one takes something designed to change how one's brain works, but you know, a glass of wine or a lortab from the dentist does that, too.  This isn't a recommendation that you need antidepressants, just a gentle invitation to be open to the idea.

On big miraculous stuff: I think the changes in my life and in my relationships with God and with others that took place starting in 2005 have been absolutely miraculous.  Those changes happened as a result of the hope my fellow addicts brought me and the new ability to surrender to God, to trust Him and other people, and to show myself honestly to God and to others that I learned in the 12-step program.  The AA Big Book talks about this as the age of miracles, and it's absolutely right.  But a miraculous end to isolation from God, from others, and from myself is going to involve others and myself as well as God.

You probably know the joke of the man in a flood who prays to God for help.  A boat comes to rescue him, and he waves it away - he doesn't need it since he's trusting in God.  As the water keeps rising, the same thing happens with a second boat and then with a helicopter.  Finally the man drowns.  He finds himself before God's throne and says, "Why did I drown?  I kept praying and praying and you never rescued me!"  God says, "Huh.  I wonder what went wrong.  I sent two boats and a helicopter."  For me, my fellow human beings have been the sources of the knowledge and faith and trust that have made it possible to connect with God and allow those miraculous inner transformations to happen.  So as you pray, take care to board the helicopters that come your way.

Tim M.

Hi Shalom,

By way of background:  I found my husband's stash July 5, 2009.  He played at recovery for roughly 1.5 years until January 30, 2011, when he drank himself into a near coma.  That was his rock bottom, and only then was he forced to admit that above all else, he was an addict.....an addict that needed treatment.

He entered an intense, outpatient alcohol rehab and saw our family doctor and a psychiatrist.  He is now finished with the intense rehab.  Currently, In addition to going to two AA meetings a week and one out patient rehab session per week, he is taking 30 - 40 mg of Prozac daily.  This is the first time I've seen any positive change in him.  I don't know whether it is due to the rehab, the AA meetings or the Prozac, but whatever it is, it's the only combination of therapies that has produced any positive change.  My "husband" has finally admitted that he's battled depression his entire life and this is the first time he feels relief.  I think it would be a shame if you didn't avail yourself of all possible treatments.

I would urge you to use all the tools at your disposal to treat your issues.  If you are using porn and masturbation as a salve for depression, I would urge you to consider taking medication while you work a 12-step program.

My best,  Devastated Wife

[user=22715]TM2[/user] wrote:


Thanks Tim, I'm so tired of the condemnation that much of the Christian community places on folks who take a psychotropic to help get through serious bouts of depression. Your point is spot on. EZ I'd caution you to be very careful about judging those who go this route. If you've never dealt with depression it's very easy to give easy answers