Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2011 14:20:23 GMT -7
I am a 44 year old male and have been addicted to porn most my life. Growing up in the 70s most of my friends parents had porn mags under their mattrases and that was my introduction. Naturally I became more and more curious and was very promiscous through high school and college having more sexual partners than I could count, Being a college football player and attractive according to most of the girls did not help. By the grace of God I met a Christain girl and married in the early 90s and we have 2 children, a girl 12 and a boy 16.
I thought being married and out of college would be the end of my addiction but it seemed that with the freedom of making money and the advances in technology it has progreesively gotten worse. During the 90s I probably visited every adult book/video store in my state and being in sales and out of town alot during that time my addiction led me to numerous topless bars and eventually "all girl staff" so called massage parlors. Although I obviously crossed the line of marriage fidelity and allowed myself to pay for certain 'touching" I never had sexual intercourse with any of the models so in my distorted thinking I felt I was remaining faithful to my wife and to this day has never told her any of this.
In August of 1999 after hitting rock bottom I rededicated myself to Christ. One thing that happen is I started realizing the reason for my fasination with sex. The main thing was that I grew up very insecure. Not blaming it on my Dad but he probably called me **** more than he called me son. I also had a older brother that picked on my relentlessly. I truely believe that all my sexual conquests through high-school and college and later my dive into the world of porn was a way of seeking valadation. I never had the social skills when I was younger to have a long term commited relationship with a girl so I sought to prove myself with one night stands,
Things really were going well after that realization in 1999 and my relationship with my wife and family improved greatly. I got a job in management that kept me at home. I started getting more involved in church and was even voted in a deacon in which at the time I felt I was spiritually mature enough to accept. The problem is we recieved our first home PC as a gift at Christmas 2000. And then the internet........
The past 11 years has been a constant battle trying to stay away from porn sights and I have failed miserably. I have actually tried to justify it to myself often because since the internet I have not desired to go to the adult establishments that I frequented back in the 90s. The problem is that with the internet I have gone way beyond as far as perversions in my mind than I ever did in the 90s because of the smorgasbord of filth available to me in the comfort and privacy of my home.
I desparatetly want to get this out of my life but I am so weak!!! I feel like the biggest hypocrite trying to teach sexual purity to my teenage son!!! My biggest concern is that the Bible teaches that this is a generational sin and I pray and pray that he does not get sucked into this like I have, I cannot fathom how this may effect my daughter only to hope and pray she does not marry someone like me.
The biggest problem I am facing now is my wife is a teacher and when she gets out for the summer will go to the beach with my daughter and spend most of the summer with her parents. The last thing I need is freedom!!! Most summers when I am here by myself (fortunately my son will be here most of this summer because of football workouts) I spend hours and hours on the computer masterbating to porn. I have spent many nights from the time I get home at 6:00pm until sometimes after 4:00am visually indulging in all the perversions I can find and I have run the gamment looking at things I am even ashamed to admit in this forum.
I have read Psalm 51 hundreds of times trying to repent and seeing the cost of my sin on the cross should be enough but it often is not. I have not tried a accountability partner because I am too ashamed and especially to approach the men in my church that I know and love and explain to them that I have been an imposter all these years,
I have come across this forum a few times before I finally got the courage to join. I would be extremely greatful for any encouragement, offer of accountability, and general help. Most of all I have never asked anyone to pray for me concerning this problem and I am asking all who is reading this to please do so if you will. I believe in the power of prayer and have seen it work in my life and I would be very humbled to go to bed tonight knowing that for the 1rst time in my life that someone other than myself has lifted up this problem that has been eating my soul to God in prayer.
I thought being married and out of college would be the end of my addiction but it seemed that with the freedom of making money and the advances in technology it has progreesively gotten worse. During the 90s I probably visited every adult book/video store in my state and being in sales and out of town alot during that time my addiction led me to numerous topless bars and eventually "all girl staff" so called massage parlors. Although I obviously crossed the line of marriage fidelity and allowed myself to pay for certain 'touching" I never had sexual intercourse with any of the models so in my distorted thinking I felt I was remaining faithful to my wife and to this day has never told her any of this.
In August of 1999 after hitting rock bottom I rededicated myself to Christ. One thing that happen is I started realizing the reason for my fasination with sex. The main thing was that I grew up very insecure. Not blaming it on my Dad but he probably called me **** more than he called me son. I also had a older brother that picked on my relentlessly. I truely believe that all my sexual conquests through high-school and college and later my dive into the world of porn was a way of seeking valadation. I never had the social skills when I was younger to have a long term commited relationship with a girl so I sought to prove myself with one night stands,
Things really were going well after that realization in 1999 and my relationship with my wife and family improved greatly. I got a job in management that kept me at home. I started getting more involved in church and was even voted in a deacon in which at the time I felt I was spiritually mature enough to accept. The problem is we recieved our first home PC as a gift at Christmas 2000. And then the internet........
The past 11 years has been a constant battle trying to stay away from porn sights and I have failed miserably. I have actually tried to justify it to myself often because since the internet I have not desired to go to the adult establishments that I frequented back in the 90s. The problem is that with the internet I have gone way beyond as far as perversions in my mind than I ever did in the 90s because of the smorgasbord of filth available to me in the comfort and privacy of my home.
I desparatetly want to get this out of my life but I am so weak!!! I feel like the biggest hypocrite trying to teach sexual purity to my teenage son!!! My biggest concern is that the Bible teaches that this is a generational sin and I pray and pray that he does not get sucked into this like I have, I cannot fathom how this may effect my daughter only to hope and pray she does not marry someone like me.
The biggest problem I am facing now is my wife is a teacher and when she gets out for the summer will go to the beach with my daughter and spend most of the summer with her parents. The last thing I need is freedom!!! Most summers when I am here by myself (fortunately my son will be here most of this summer because of football workouts) I spend hours and hours on the computer masterbating to porn. I have spent many nights from the time I get home at 6:00pm until sometimes after 4:00am visually indulging in all the perversions I can find and I have run the gamment looking at things I am even ashamed to admit in this forum.
I have read Psalm 51 hundreds of times trying to repent and seeing the cost of my sin on the cross should be enough but it often is not. I have not tried a accountability partner because I am too ashamed and especially to approach the men in my church that I know and love and explain to them that I have been an imposter all these years,
I have come across this forum a few times before I finally got the courage to join. I would be extremely greatful for any encouragement, offer of accountability, and general help. Most of all I have never asked anyone to pray for me concerning this problem and I am asking all who is reading this to please do so if you will. I believe in the power of prayer and have seen it work in my life and I would be very humbled to go to bed tonight knowing that for the 1rst time in my life that someone other than myself has lifted up this problem that has been eating my soul to God in prayer.
