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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2011 8:48:56 GMT -7
Hello. I am 20 years old with a beautiful one year old son. I have been married to my husband for two years now. Three months into our marriage and while i was six months pregnant, i found out my husband is a sex addict. I was in flordia for a month while my husband was living in our new house in hawaii when i found out. He had spend upwards of $700 in two weeks on porn. At first i was devestated but did not want to believe he had a problem. I thought it was normal and he was only doing it becasue i wasnt there. Two weeks later when i arrived in hawaii, things got bad. At first i tried watching the porn with him because i thought maybe there was something wrong with me and i was just a "prude". after about two weeks of this i finally snapped. i couldnt take it. When we had sex and if we were watching porn i always felt like he was more concentrated on them than me. I told him never again would i watch it with him and he needed to quit. Fastforward a little bit, the beginning of december of 2009 my son was born. During this time a mother is supposed to feel on top of the world and the best she has ever felt. I didnt. My husband left me twice in the hospital to go home to "shower". I knew that wasnt all he was doing and he finally confessed that he had looked at porn when i was in the hospital in labor with our child. lucky for me my mother was there to support me. On christmas eve that same year, i caught him redhanded talking to girls on chatting apps on his iphone and masturbating to naked pictures these girls sent him. I took his phone and left the house with my son. i was in absolute shock. i found out later that day that he had been doing this all along and had been talking to his ex-girlfriends and ex-fiance. needless to say i was mortified. finally one day i thought i had enough. since i was still on maternity leave, i decided to fly back to california for a few days to visit my parents. before i left, i took the computer and everything else i thought he could access porn on. When i came back, i found that he had viewed porn the same night i left for california on his playstation. When i found this, i called him at work and told him not to come home. he didn't listen to me and showed up five minutes later. we had a huge blowout fight and i ended up throwing things. we pushed eachother and i was on the phone with my parents while this was going on so my dad called the police. we were both taken down to the police station and charged with simple assault. there was a 72 hour no contact order put in place until we were seen by a counselor to see if we were stable enough to see eachother. Since then, every three weeks or so, i find something else that he has done. some porn site he has gone to or some girl he has sent and received nude pictures of. this past week, i found out he downloaded those chatting apps on my ipad and was receiving pictures of girls. the worst part is, i was in the room the night this happened and i had no clue. i found this out on a sunday night and promptly moved out leaving the baby with him. i needed some time for myself. on tuesday i moved back home because i couldnt take not seeing my baby or sleeping in my own bed. he says he is going to go to sex addicts annonymous and get the help he needs but how am i supposed to believe him when i have heard this same exact thing for the past two years? believe me, we have done the counseling, many times and nothing seems to get through to his head. i cant believe that my own best friends, lover, and confident has betrayed me like this. it makes me physically sick to my stomache and i want to scream. i dont know what to do! please help me i need advice! divorce is an option right now and it seems like the only option i have left. i dont want to be 21 divorced with a child but i will do whatever i have to to protect myself and my son. i feel like crying all day at work and like i dont want to see anyone but when i do, all i want to do is talk about my husband. nobody can give me advice that i can use and i feel like while i have people to support me emotionally, i dont have anyone to talk to that has been through this and knows how it feels to be so emotionally and physically cheated on by the one person youre supposed to trust and confide in. i have no trust in him anymore. i feel like over the past two years, everytime he has gained a little bit of my trust back, it has been snatched away because of his selfish actions. please help me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2011 15:12:04 GMT -7
betrayedwife,
Welcome! Too bad you need to be here.
I'm an addict, not a spouse, but I wanted to make sure someone welcomed you, and this board doesn't get a lot of traffic.
Not having been in your position, I'll wait and let those who have give more substantive replies, but let me just react to one small bit of your post.
You ask how you're supposed to believe him. I think the answer is that with addicts, one has to believe actions, not words. It's possible to find freedom and recovery from this addiction as from any other, but doing so is a huge thing. We can't just say no, go to a few meetings, and be done. Everything about us and the way we think about ourselves and the way we interact with others and the way we interact with God has to change. As the folks in NA say, we only have to change one thing - everything. What you're looking for isn't a small course correction. It's total transformation. When it happens, you know it.
A friend of mine tells about talking with a neighbor not long after the friend started recovery. The neighbor wasn't someone he was particularly close to. He didn't know about my friend's addiction. But one day they were chatting at the fence and the neighbor said, "You know, I don't know what it is, but you're doing something different. You're a nicer guy."
That's how and when you're supposed to believe him. Before that, it's all words, and words from an addict mean nothing.
Just how it seems to me, of course. I hope you hear more soon from other spouses.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2011 2:57:33 GMT -7
Hello Betrayed Wife,
My advice to you is simple: Leave or throw him out. Divorce him. Get out.
Once an addict, always an addict. My husband swapped addictions......going from masturbating to porn multiple times a day to drinking himself into oblivion. He was never a true husband to me, never a true father to his children. He is a self-centered 12 year old and always will be.
Leave. You're young. You have a child. You have to think about what is best for you and for your child. When I look back over my life, my biggest regret is that I didn't leave when I first had the notion to leave. I often wonder how my life might have been different if I had left, how the lives of my children would have been improved if I'd left.
Find the strength. You can do it. You don't deserve this. Your son doesn't deserve this.
My best to you, Devastated Wife
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2011 0:46:54 GMT -7
Hi. Im sorry this is a club you dont want to join.
I wonder whether you will come back and give us an update about how things are going. Im concerned for you and your baby.
I really feel like I want to tell you to leave him, get out and seek divorce. But that isnt what I have chosen in my own circumstances. My husband cheated for 10 years of our relationship, paying for sex, porn and M and all the rest...
I have forgiven him, stayed with him and he is the father of my children. BUT - he has quit M. Quit cheating. Got nothing to lie about. I beleive he became broken before God. Sometimes I get psycho and paranoid because of the hurt. Its there, but if your man wants to earn you trust back he will do whatever it takes, not making excuses. He needs to be open and honest and accountable, not sneaking, hiding. For a long time we withheld computer priveledges, he had curfews, spent alot of time at home. I would even check up on him in the shower lol. Things are good. Its been almost 4 years since he confessed to me. Its been a hard road, but Ive been blessed and priveledged to be a part of his journey in reconnecting to his wife, his kids, to the Lord.
Bless you and I hope your man sees Gods healing and light. I think all this would be impossible without God.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2012 13:12:53 GMT -7
Hello all. An update on my situation, I did find out my husband cheated on me with a woman he works with in our marital bed. It has been a year since I found out and we are still trying to work on things. I am Pregnant with our second child. Since my husbands in the military, he has a strict no contact order with this woman. I run into her on occasion and want to make her feel the pain she has caused me but I continue to ignore her and try to be the better person. Any advice on where we go from here?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2012 3:12:14 GMT -7
I am so sorry to hear your worries. I think it is wise to stay in therapy and groups and for goodness sake make up boundaries with consequences and be as reasonable as possible short of betraying yourself in any ways. Perhaps he really could benefit from these structured guidelines. I hope things have been getting better for you, especially since you have chosen to bring another child into the mix. I also believe that men that can't seem to stop but insist they want to should consider the OCD treatment meds for sex addicts. I know of a couple men who said that and anti depressants really made the difference for them. I really hope things are improving for your family. Thank goodness you are addressing it now and not when you are both in your 40's or 50's. The infant toddler years are a huge part of what makes us who we are. Keep that in mind with your own little ones and god bless!!!
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