Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Hello
Jan 21, 2006 14:03:53 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2006 14:03:53 GMT -7
I'm a new member.
I'm 34-years old and a native Californian. I had a rough childhood, and some of the things in my past initially led me to develop a porn addiciton. I've been struggling against Internet porn for about a year now, and masturbation and perverse sexual fantasies for more than 20-years. I am single (never married), and have no real desire for physical intimacy with a wife/girlfriend.....which is either the result of my addiction or something else psychological.
As I said, I've some things in my past. Which I'll probably get into later. I don't really have time to tell my tale at the moment. I just wanted to intriduce myself.
God bless.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Hello
Jan 22, 2006 12:05:03 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2006 12:05:03 GMT -7
Welcome to the forums, Seeking Christ. I have prayed for you.
|
|
|
Hello
Jan 22, 2006 13:34:41 GMT -7
Post by Steve on Jan 22, 2006 13:34:41 GMT -7
Welcome Seeking. You and I are the same age: 34! I'd really like to hear how we can encourage you. Also, since I asked another guy this question who recently introduced himself on this forum: What small step do you think you need to take to work towards getting free of your porn addiction?
Blessings,
Steve
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Hello
Jan 22, 2006 20:01:40 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2006 20:01:40 GMT -7
Thanks for the welcome, everyone.
I'm not sure what step I need to make first. Simply putting my computer away won't work. I've had this addiction for 20 years, only 7-months of which I've owned a PC. My primary problem is my mind. I've always had an incredibly vivid imagination. I used to write fiction constantly as a kid and a teen.
I seem to get along great when I can keep my mind from wondering. A lot of my falls come when I'm bored and have nothing to do. I'll either be on the Internet, or watching television (I have insomnia, so I am often awake late into the morning with nothing to do), and I'll start being bombarded by sexually suggestive images....music videos, sexual enhancement drug infomercials, web browsing to new sites that may contain images I hadn't planned on seeing. I'll have the images wondering around in my skull, and I think..."Well, just thinking about it for a minute won't hurt...." and I allow the enemy in and he pretty much "storms the compound" and I fall.
I don't have much of a social life. I never have. As a kid and a teenager I was a loner. I'd never have more than 2 or 3 friends at any one time. A lot of that had to do with a terrible situation at home. I was raised by an alcoholic father, who heaped a lot of verbal abuse on me. He also brought prostitutes into our home on a weekly basis, and even "bought" one's services for my 14th birthday, since in his mind it was time I became a "man". I refused to touch the woman. That just led to accusations that I might be Gay. I could go on, but you get the point. My life consisted of eating, television, self-gratification, more eating.....my weight ballooned and I developed high blood pressure.
In 1991 years of uncontrolled blood pressure problems led to catastrophic kidney failure. I came about as close to dying as I could. I've been disabled since then. I moved away from my dad just prior to my hospitalization in '91, and lived near my mother (who had re-married a Pentecostal pastor). I really loved and respected my step-dad. But found out that he was also addicted to pornography. One day while cleaning I found the most massive collection of porn magazines and VHS tapes I've ever seen outside an adult book store. That was a huge shock. My mom, as it turned out, knew about it, but asked me to not tell anyone.
I started building my own collection. There was an adult book store less than a mile down the road. I suppose my addiction was at it's worst in the mid 1990's. I had my own apartment, some money, and no real friends to hang out with, so I stayed home almost every day, alone and bored. Eating too much, endulging in porn, and masturbating when the loneliness and solitude got to be too pressing. The masturbation became the quick-fix for the depression spells I began to have. Anytime I'd feel lonely, or anxious I'd "medicate" myself.
I think I'm still doing that to this day. With my parents dead (including my step-dad, who thankfully gave up on porn in the weeks leading up to his unexpected death), and the new responsibility of caring for an older handicapped sister and her son, I have been on a roller coaster of highs and lows. Some days I'm great. I have a super attitude, I laugh and play board games with my family, cook a good meal for supper, and maybe order a movie to watch. Then on bad days I just sit around, saying next to nothing and thinking about all that I've lost, and worrying about what lies ahead.
I have an older brother (whose married) who lives in the next town. He wants me and our sister/nephew to move closer to him, so he and his wife can help us along. I've been considering it. There's a great church just across the street from their house, and it's a nice little country town where everybody knows everybody. Very Norman Rockwell. But moving costs so much....and if I did move out there, I'd be totally dependent on my brother for transportation, as I have no car.
I don't know.
|
|
|
Hello
Jan 23, 2006 1:04:21 GMT -7
Post by Steve on Jan 23, 2006 1:04:21 GMT -7
Hi Seeking. I really appreciate your sharing. It sounds like your experiences with sexual addiction are fairly common - I betcha most people can relate to many parts of your story. Since you're exactly my age and single, I guess I feel a bit of a connection with you. I would highly suggest finding a counselor/therapist in your area who specializes in sexual addiction recovery, or finding a mentor/church leader/friend who has successfully been working on his own recovery. It's so important to keep talking about these issues and that you know you're definitely not alone in this struggle. I would also seriously recommend attending an Every Man's Battle conference ( www.everymansbattle.com ) too. What do you think? Please hang in there! Men such as yourself can and are getting free of this - keep your resolve strong to get free no matter how many more times you fall! -Steve
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Hello
Jan 23, 2006 5:22:34 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2006 5:22:34 GMT -7
Hi seeking, I welcome you also. You've had quite a life to this point, its quite amazing that you're taking the first steps into recovery. Just by doing that you've made God quite excited. Stay strong and keep us posted on how things are going.
|
|