Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2011 2:55:56 GMT -7
I know there's a discussion about recovery somewhere on this forum, but I couldn't find it. So forgive me for creating a new topic, but I have some questions about recovery from sexual addiction. I'm sure I've asked these questions before and members have graciously responded but I'm in need of a bit more "enforcement".
My SA was sexually abused as a child and has a 40 year history with a distorted view of sexual relationships and sexual addiction. That's a loooooong time! He revealed his addiction about a year ago and has since seen a therapist weekly, attended SA meetings and participated in an intensive outpatient treatment program.
We have been repeatedly been told by our therapists that we should not be concentrating on our marriage. Working on our marriage is impossible until we fix ourselves or at least make substantial progress toward that goal. That makes sense to me because two broken people can only create a broken marriage.
When he first revealed his addiction, I threw myself into learning mode and read anything I could about sex addiction, childhood, emotional baggage, etc. Ironically, I began relating what I was reading to my own life and learned that some of the feelings I had today were based on feelings from the past. It's pretty exciting stuff because I can see why I react and feel the way I do! Only by recognizing it, can I change it! I talk to my SA about what I am learning and he politely listens. I'm am disappointed though, that he doesn't share my enthusiasm or express any interest in how it might help him. I seem to be farther along in my journey than he is.
We can have conversations, but they are never about anything deep or meaningful. He doesn't express what he feels - good or bad. He has been helping out a bit more around the house, but I'm not sure if that's a permanent change or just another transient phase....time will tell. I don't believe he has been frequenting porn stores like he used to but I do know he continues to struggle with masturbation. He's more honest when I ask where he is and what he's doing....I haven't caught him in a lie in a while. We don't have a physical relationship because I don't believe it would mean the same thing to him as it would mean to me. (My "walls" are sky high....maybe I'm not as far along in my journey as I think?)
With the understanding that everyone is different, may I ask some questions? Is this recovery? Considering how long he has been hiding this, is it unrealistic to expect some openness at this point? Is my reluctance for a physical relationship creating more distance? Should I be judging his recovery (or lack of) by how much he talks to me? Should it be enough for him to open up to a therapist or SA member instead of me? And then of course, I keep struggling with the question about masturbation....normal, healthy sexual activity vs the devil in disguise!
Any thoughts???
Thanks to you all.
allalone
My SA was sexually abused as a child and has a 40 year history with a distorted view of sexual relationships and sexual addiction. That's a loooooong time! He revealed his addiction about a year ago and has since seen a therapist weekly, attended SA meetings and participated in an intensive outpatient treatment program.
We have been repeatedly been told by our therapists that we should not be concentrating on our marriage. Working on our marriage is impossible until we fix ourselves or at least make substantial progress toward that goal. That makes sense to me because two broken people can only create a broken marriage.
When he first revealed his addiction, I threw myself into learning mode and read anything I could about sex addiction, childhood, emotional baggage, etc. Ironically, I began relating what I was reading to my own life and learned that some of the feelings I had today were based on feelings from the past. It's pretty exciting stuff because I can see why I react and feel the way I do! Only by recognizing it, can I change it! I talk to my SA about what I am learning and he politely listens. I'm am disappointed though, that he doesn't share my enthusiasm or express any interest in how it might help him. I seem to be farther along in my journey than he is.
We can have conversations, but they are never about anything deep or meaningful. He doesn't express what he feels - good or bad. He has been helping out a bit more around the house, but I'm not sure if that's a permanent change or just another transient phase....time will tell. I don't believe he has been frequenting porn stores like he used to but I do know he continues to struggle with masturbation. He's more honest when I ask where he is and what he's doing....I haven't caught him in a lie in a while. We don't have a physical relationship because I don't believe it would mean the same thing to him as it would mean to me. (My "walls" are sky high....maybe I'm not as far along in my journey as I think?)
With the understanding that everyone is different, may I ask some questions? Is this recovery? Considering how long he has been hiding this, is it unrealistic to expect some openness at this point? Is my reluctance for a physical relationship creating more distance? Should I be judging his recovery (or lack of) by how much he talks to me? Should it be enough for him to open up to a therapist or SA member instead of me? And then of course, I keep struggling with the question about masturbation....normal, healthy sexual activity vs the devil in disguise!
Any thoughts???
Thanks to you all.
allalone