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For me, too, the addictive cycle starts very early with a thought that may take days or even weeks to mature into action.  Part of recovery is learning to spot that very first beginning as early as possible, early enough that one can take action to keep the addictive action from happening.

By the time one is facing a real fight, it is often too late, and the desire to act out is irresistible.

For me and for many people, a quick summary of the whole cycle is that we feel shame or fear or inadequacy or anger. To mask those feelings, we seek out our drug of choice.  That provides temporary relief, but then we crash and wallow in a sea of shame.  Wishing to escape the shame and to hide from our feelings, we act out in our addiction, and the cycle continues.

So part of the process of getting better is learning to see ourselves both honestly and gently.  We need to feel what needs to be felt.  We also need to step away from the shame which is itself a driver of the addictive behavior.  As SAA's sobriety tokens say, "From Shame to Grace."

Because it's so important to interrupt the cycle early when we still have the power to act, my general feeling is that we have to avoid an awful lot of triggers that may be problems for us but not necessarily for others.  Working serving alcohol wouldn't be a problem for me, but I have friends who are recovering alcoholics who can't do that (and other sober alcoholic friends who can).  In the same way, many people can watch movies with nude scenes or look at artistic photographs of nude models without having problems.  I can't do those things.  For me, one is too many, and a thousand is not enough.  I have to be very careful indeed about what movies I watch and what television I view.  That's a bit of a bother, but you know, being sober is pretty wonderful.  It's a small price to pay.

I don't know how much any of that relates to your thoughts and questions, but there are a few things your words bring up in me.

Peace,

Tim M.