Is this what hitting rock bottom feels like?

Dear Lonely1,

I'm sorry you are experiencing all this pain.  I can relate to your story and yes, you're grieving for what you thought you had.  So am I.  And it seems like it's taking forever to get through this phase.  I've been told over and over that I just have to feel it.  Just as when someone dies, no one can make it better.

For a long time, I asked myself "how could I let this happen?"  What's wrong with me?  This is not what I had planned for my life.  I took a long hard look at our courtship, engagement and marriage and examined the place I was in at the time.  I understand it now and know why I made the decisions I did.  But the past is the past.  I have to figure out where I want to go and make my plans to get there.  Will my husband be there at my side? It's not looking too hopeful.

And that's what I'm grapling with now.  Envisioning a future that he may not be part of.  Envisioning a future that my kids will have to deal with.  Envisioning a future that will be completly different from today.

I need to get comfortable with the idea.  To think long and hard about what's best for all involved.  Then make my decisions.

I wish I could offer you words of comfort, but they are just not there.  It may be comforting to know someone is experiencing the same thing.  I wish you the best.

allalone

Dear sisters, one thing that our therapist told me last time we met was thus: Betty, stop blaming yourself for not seeing the addiction, for not seeing the truth. Yes, we legitimately mourn the loss of what we thought we had. The reality is, we never had the fairytale. We are mourning the loss OF THE ILLUSION of safety, security, loving relationship. When you realize that you've never really had safety or security, it's much easier to leave and start your new life.

Once I realized that i was mourning the loss of the illusion, it made the process easier somehow. 

I hope that helps........ 

Lonely1,

Please understand that he is exhibiting typical addict behavior.  Let's dissect it:

1.  As I understand it, you are expressing your true feelings and he is denying them and belittling them instead of acknowledging them.  Let's state this clearly for the record:  YOUR FEELINGS ARE REAL, LEGITIMATE AND JUSTIFIED.  He has no right to deny, belittle or minimize them.  This is psychological, emotional abuse.  Don't tolerate it.  You're not stubborn.  You are asking for your real, legitimate, God-given needs to be met.  I have no doubt that he has rarely, if ever, been "there" for you.  Please do not doubt your perception of reality.  He's gaslighting you.

2.  " He also said that he doesn't understand why I need more time and a separation since he has been giving me time and that even though he hasn't always followed through with transparency on issues with cell phone calls and text messages that he has received from unknown numbers that he has been doing everything he can to the best of his ability."

You can't possibly be expected to recover or deal with this on his time schedule.  You can't possibly be expected to heal from this if he is less than forthcoming.  100% transparency is required, not "to the best of his ability."  Who does he think he's kidding?  "Giving you time" ....sounds like he's thrown water on you when you've asked for a drink of water.  Spending time together devoping and nurturing emotional intimacy is not the same thing as just being in the same room together.   I suspect that if he's in the same room with you, in his mind he's "giving you time."  They just don't get it.

3.  "Things turned really ugly as I lay crying in bed and trying to tell him what I was feeling and how I have felt about things and he basically told me that his addiction wasn't the only problem in our marriage, that his addiction wasn't the entire reason and that I have always been difficult to talk to and that's why he avoids talking to me about things, I told him I understand that I also have my own issues and that I have tried talking to him and he said that it is not true that I only have "a little more communication than he does but not much more" (he has also refered to my offering help to him throughout our marriage as similar to being offered help by Hitler)."

That's classic blame shifting.  Stop right there.  DO NOT ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR HIS ADDICTION or any blame for problems in the marriage.  This is about his addiction.  Period.   I'm sure your offers of help have been genuine.  He finds fault where there is none or magnifies real faults to justify his behavior.  Don't allow him to shift blame onto you.  Practice this:  "I HEREBY UNEQUIVOCALLY REFUSE DELIVERY OF ANY PORTION OF THE BLAME FOR YOUR ADDICTION."  Stick to it.  Any time he tries to shift blame or misdirect the discussion, redirect the discussion to his addiction and how it makes you feel.  Do not allow him to manipulate you.

4.  "He asked me if when I spoke to a mutual person who helps us with this if I only gave my version of the story (which is actually something he constantly does and even did it again last night) and how tired he is going through all of this and I told him if he's tired of going through this I am exhausted as I have spent 14 years dealing with his addiction, trying to help as best I could even though it's being compared to Hitler now and I just dont know anymore, I feel drained and resentful I guess."

You have every right to feel drained and resentful.  Being compared to Hitler is outrageous.  Now hear this:  YOU are the one who has been present in the moment throughout the 14 years.  YOU were not the one lost in the stupor of lustland.  YOUR VERSION OF THE STORY IS THE CORRECT ONE.  He's gaslighting you, trying to get you to doubt your perceptions throughout the years.  This is classic addict behavior.  DO NOT FALL FOR IT.  DO NOT ALLOW IT.  He's tired of going through all of this?  Well isn't that rich.   He's trying to rush your recovery.  Don't allow it.  You can't recover on his time schedule.  And if he is being less than forthcoming, I don't think you can be expected to recover at all.  He's still playing with fire....you just haven't found the evidence yet.

Please do not doubt yourself.  Your needs are real and legitimate.  Your perceptions are real and legitimate and have been throughout the years.  If he cannot and will not respect your needs and perceptions, throw him out.  You'll be better off without him.

My best,  DW

He may be in denial about your intent to leave and/or he truly suffers from an intimacy disorder and figures this is no big deal.  Mine reacted the same way.

Please don't let him wear you down.  I know, that's easier said than done.   And why would you be "lovey dovey" with someone who's shown you nothing but disrespect?    Here's how you respond to that:  "So, I'm supposed to be lovey dovey with someone who's masturbated to porn, disrespected me, his marriage vows, our children, who criticizes me at every turn?  Why would I be lovey-dovey to someone I have no reason to respect?  Have you lost your mind?"

They just don't get it. 

Please take care of yourself......

Hi Hisheart,

But since God cannot sin, and He is a jealous God, jealous of all of Isreal's unfaithfulness to Him, is it not reasonable for spouses to be "jealous" of the other spouse's attention going to others?

As for the DM, sounds like spiritual mal-practice/abuse to me.  I'd almost be willing to bet that the man has the same "demon" and is thus sympathetic to your husband.  "The devil made me do it" just doesn't wash!

TruthSeeker

This "Deliverance Minister" sounds like a snake oil salesman who is peddling what your husband wants to hear.  I'm sure his "sessions" aren't free.......are they? 

I think you need to find a certified sex addiction therapist.........not a quack.

My best,  DW

Dear HisHeart,

I don't think his mind can be renewed..........I don't think you can "un-ring the bell."  My husband was fond of girls tied up with rope who were about a nanosecond older than 18...or so his favorite sites proclaimed.  I'll be 50 next year.  I don't think for an instant I can compete with girls who are a nanosecond over 18, tied up with rope.......... nor should I have to........nor will I try. 

I am hoping that I find a decent man with whom to spend my golden years......but that is going to be difficult if not impossible because every time a man looks at me for more than a second, in my mind, I see a filthy, hairy, hunch-back hobbit with his penis in his hand.  The truth is, I despise men at this point.....see them all as male members on two legs.  That's not compatible with long-term relationship......any relationship. 

My best to you,  DW