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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2010 4:47:21 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2010 8:10:58 GMT -7
"But wives or partners of sex addicts know that the spot light is where most addicts thrive, even after getting caught. "
"So for wives or partners of sex addicts, there are two choices: remain invisible or ignored, or be blamed or ridiculed for what someone else does to her."
These two quotes are from her Feb. 3/10 blog entry.
The first can't possibly be true, except for the most extreme cases where other factors are at play.
The second, I find hard to believe.....and that is based on limited exposure to other addicts stories here and at SAA.
Am I off base here?
BTW, Barbara looks just like Carey Mulligan, I thought I got redirected for a moment there.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2010 8:43:03 GMT -7
First, the quotes are from the February blog, not the March blog.
Second, yes, you are way off base. Addicts are narcissists. They thrive in the spotlight.
Third, Read the S-anon "program" for the spouse. It's disheartening and dis-empowering. There does not seem to be a single, appropriate program to treat the trauma inflicted on the spouse. "Blame the victim" is alive and well in the area of sexual addiction.
Barbara Steffens is dead on.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2010 9:10:07 GMT -7
[user=42104]Devastated Wife[/user] wrote:
Indeed, that is what I wrote.....Feb.3/10 blog entry.
[user=42104]Devastated Wife[/user] wrote:
Are there any other partners of addicts who believe the same as DW? I'm having a hard time believing that "thriving in the spotlight" is a common characteristic of a sex/porn addict. I just haven't seen that in my limited exposure in the recovery community (maybe because my own narcissism is so ingrained!?)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2010 10:28:49 GMT -7
I do agree with DW....after reading numerous, numerous books and having participated in therapy twice a week for the past year.
The addict (at least my addict) does thrive in being in the spotlight...in sort of a backwards way. My addict has such low self-esteem that any attention is welcome. However, it's not long before he feels that the attention is undeserved and retreats into his fantasy world. There's an air of arrogance about him...that he knows everything and is better than everyone else. He learned from a very early age, that if I don't toot my own horn, I won't be noticed. (His parents were and continue to be emotionally absent from his life) To put it simply, he loves the spotlight but it's quickly replaced with self-loathing. The sad thing about this whole vicious cycle is that even when the attention is well deserved, he will find a way to turn it into a negative!
About S-Anon....so far, I'm not a big fan. I want to believe it's because I haven't found the right S-Anon group. The two groups I participated in were filled with a lot of women who blamed themselves and couldn't figure out how to make their addict stop. The solution offered by the moderators was to read books, and, "by the way, we have an excellent S-Anon book here for just $19.95!" Like I said, I'm sure I haven't found the right group because I do not believe that is the premise of S-Anon. However, the list of available S-Anon groups is about as long as your baby toe!
"So for wives or partners of sex addicts, there are two choices: remain invisible or ignored, or be blamed or ridiculed for what someone else does to her."
Remain invisible or ignored......Well, I'm finding that I'm just not as interesting of a subject as my husband. He's the type of patient every therapist loves. He has 40 years of layer after layer that needs to be pulled back before they can help him "find himself". Don't get me wrong, I'm not without my "issues", his are just more of a challenge!
I'm not familiar with Barbara Steffen's blog, but I will look at it. I do, however, highly recommend her book "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". I wish it was one of the first books I read. I have experienced a trauma of untold magnitude. And her book helped to define the feelings and emotions that go with every trauma. I have also experienced a loss...loss of a marriage I really never had, loss of security I really never had, loss of a partner I really never had. I'm still in my grief stage and just like when someone dies, there's not much anyone can do to help.
Let me bring this back to "remain invisible or ignored". My therapist and I are working on the grief aspect, but really, there's not much she can do to help. I'm beginning to resign myself to the fact that this is going to take time and I'm just going to have to feel what I feel.
Be blamed or ridiculed for what someone else does.....I've spent the last year reading as much as I can about sexual addiction. I've lost count of the number of books I've read. I've spent hundreds of hours, if not more, on-line reading experts, psychological studies, forum after forum about sexual addiction. I've learned things about my husbands childhood that no adult should have to experience. I am directly affected by this addiction and I've learned as much as I possibly can so far. The point I'm trying to make is that unless it affects you, you're really not to inclined to learn about it. I know this is a deep emotional sickness but the majority of the world sees it as something to snicker about at the dinner table. There are a lot of preconceived notions and fears out there about sexual addiction. (I'll admit that I had some too!) It's very easy for others (without the knowledge) to judge you, the spouse, simply because you are married to the addict. "He's just wasn't getting enough at home" "How can you stay married to someone who cheats?" There are plenty of people with plenty of opinions. And plenty of people who will give you a supporting hug and then never call.
I'm sad to say that no one except for my therapist knows about my husbands addiction. My friends and family love me and would support me, but I don't believe they would spend a year learning all they could about sexual addiction. Their preconceived notions would always be there.
If it weren't for forums like this, I would be utterly lost.
I'm sorry for this response being so long. I hope it helps you.
Allalone
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 6:21:13 GMT -7
Thanks for the insight, Allalone.
I'm guessing only women whose husbands aren't in recovery post in this thread?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 8:17:00 GMT -7
No, my sex addict is supposedly in "recovery." The therapist thinks he's in "recovery." Recovery is relative. He/she defines "recovery" as an absence of acting out. Baloney.
He still lies. Even our therapist buys his BS, until I set her straight. Is that "recovery?" When does the lying end? Ever?
It's still all about him. He's not acting out, supposedly, but he still can't empathize or hold a conversation. An absence of acting out does not mean he is normal or recovered or can meet the real, reasonable, earthly needs of a wife. I'm increasinly disenchanted with therapy and therapists, but comforted by this: If even a trained therapist is duped by his BS....I guess I don't feel so bad that I was taken in. NO MORE. But if she's taken in, she can't help me.
I'm getting the support I need from here: www.marriedtoasexaddict.com
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 12:15:38 GMT -7
Hi Boche, My husband is in recovery. He attends SA meeting 2-3 times a week, keeps in touch with a sponsor and attends weekly sessions with a therapist. He completed a 6 week intensive outpatient therapy program at our local behavioral health hospital that required 12 hours of intensive therapy each week. He is in recovery and has been for about a year. That being said...he has 40 years of maladjusted coping skills to change. Not a small task by any means. His childhood was marred by sexual abuse and emotionally unavailable parents. Acting out sexually became his way of coping with just about any stressful situation he encountered. He knows no other way. Every therapist and psychiatrist I've spoken with state that "behavoral" addictions are even more difficult to overcome than "substance" addictions. I'm not going to debate the issue because it seems to me that any addiction is a lifelong process of maintenance. Like I said, my husband has been living his separate life for over 40 years. It's not going to change in 40 days, 40 weeks and probably not in 40 months. I often wonder if another 40 years is what it's going to take for him to learn to manage this addiction. He has made some progress....he's easier with the kids, easier with me, not as judgemental. But I still continue to see that scared little boy who believes with every fiber of his being that he's no good. I continue in therapy to deal with my own issues. Make no mistake, we all have issues and baggage we carry. Believe it or not, it may have absolutely nothing to do with the addict. So I go and I'm realizing things about myself and changing what I can. I'm very scared. This addiction rips pieces of my heart every day. I've often posted with questions to those couples who have succeeded in their marriage and maintaining this addiction. Not once, did I ever get a response. It's very discouraging. So I keep doing this, day by day. I talk, I think, I question, and I feel. Someday, I will make a decision to stay or leave. All I know is that I won't make a decision out of anger or frustration. This is a life altering decision that deserves my full attention and understanding of all that it entails. So in answer to your question....No, posts to this thread are NOT by women whose husbands are not in recovery. In fact, there are not a lot of posts to this thread at all. You will find a lot of information from the wives perspective at www.marriedtoasexaddict.com just as DW has suggested. But fair warning, if you're looking for success stories and hope for a marriage, you won't find it there either. In fact, I've been hard pressed to find that kind of information anywhere. Just another dream/illusion shattered by the face of reality. Good luck and best wishes Allalone
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 12:44:05 GMT -7
Again, thanks Allalone.
I read as much as I could for two hours over at www.marriedtoasexaddict.com , and you're right, not much to look forward to.
I'm beginning to wonder if a 'successful' marriage is even possible. With all the other baggage men and women bring into the marriage, a 50% divorce rate is grounds for being optimistic.
The avalanche of 'bad' news is depressing, I'm going to bury my head in some 'good news'. Do you have a favourite scripture that brings you hope?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2011 3:50:54 GMT -7
Hi Boche,
My relationship with God is much more spiritual than religious, so I'm afraid I don't have any specific scripture quotes.
If you're interested, however, I can offer some books that I found to be helpful this past year.
"Actually It Is Your Parents Fault, Why Your Romantic Relationship Isn't Working and How to Fix It" by Philip Van Munching. I grabbed this book off the library shelf because I thought the title was funny. Turns out, it had a lot of good information about what and why I react the way I do. I don't remember much about the romantic relationship part....I'm not in that place right now.
"Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Again, grabbed this book on a whim. It was shelved incorrectly next to a pizza cookbook I was looking for. Divine intervention? Who knows! Anyway, I would recommend reading this book after the Van Munching book. It seemed to put a lot together for me.
"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens. This book lifted the weight of the world off my shoulders. With every page I kept thinking to myself, "hey, that's me" and "I'm not crazy!". There's a lot of validation in this book that I've been hard pressed to find elsewhere. I like to think of it as my "paperback hug".
My strongest suggestion is not to take everything you read verbatim. Many times I'd read a chapter and just didn't agree with anything the author had to say. But sure enough, with the next chapter I gained perspective and insight to myself and my situation. Pick and choose and don't stop reading. Like I said, you may not agree with everything, but these books do have a lot to offer.
Living in this nightmare has forced me to take a good, long look at myself. I need to know who I am, what I want and where I want to be before I can make any long lasting decisions about my future. And the beauty of this all is that if things don't work out, I can always make another decision. Just do yourself a favor and make your decisions with a clear and informed mind and not out of anger or frustration. It will cut down on the chaos in your life.
Best wishes,
Allalone
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2011 9:47:42 GMT -7
Hi Boche,
While I do not know percentiles of marriages that make it through some level along the broad range of addiction, from regular porn viewing that may not even be addictive, to serial affairs that leave much deeper scars, I would offer the Scripture from Luke 1:37, "for nothing is impossible with God. NIV
Purity is always worth pursuing, whether or not the marriage can recover from the past.
Some addicts choose addiction over their marriage, no matter how supportive the spouse is, and some spouses will/can not move forward toward healing, no matter how committed the addict is,or how free the addict becomes. There are, however, certainly those where both are committed to the marriage and healing results in God's time.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2011 16:50:21 GMT -7
[user=337]truthseeker[/user] wrote:
Thanks for this ^^^^. I'm of the opinion that if my marriage were to fail, it wouldn't be over this issue. However, I believe my wife and I are in it for the long haul.
Allalone, thanks for the suggested readings, I'll take a closer look at them. I tend to discount everything someone says if I disagree with any one thing someone says. It's something I need to work on. Thanks for the insight.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2011 2:23:33 GMT -7
Wow I am a little surprised and certainly dissapointed in some of the lack of christianity here. Therapy and sessions with non christians will only help to a minimal extent,all they can help with is "this world" and God is not part of "thos world" at the moment so how can they help specifically christians? At the end of the day only Jesus has the power to heal us and save us and give us the day to day strength.....any victory we have or have had id his and was not our power. But we must get in touch with his spirit because we cannot do life let alone this on our own. And the initial hurdle is for the person and persons to welcome God into day to day life and pray for mercy pray to be broken from satans bonds,even if it means starting something completely new and changing everything in your life,it may be work,friends,tv,internet,location,lifestyle anything! We have to wholeheartedly 100% want that change! and live it day by day minute by minute otherwise satan will easily grab hold of that loose string.
And above all brothers and sisters we must be positive to ourselves and others,marriage is for life even though s many christian couples are being broken by satan these days. God can and will do anything possible but we must start it,and if we don't beleive any of this then are we a so called christian? because there are plenty of them! wake up lets get positive let's start over if need be,christianity is not just a word it's a life with Jesus now everyday and forever.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2011 13:30:21 GMT -7
At the risk of turning this into a religious discussion.......
I am a child of God. I find comfort in knowing that I receive His acceptance and love unconditionally. I am of this world. If God chooses to put before me a therapist (that has been blessed with His gift of counsel, whether Christian or non-Christian) then I will look to that person for insight and knowledge.
Yes, "only Jesus has the power to heal us and save us and give us the day to day strength.....any victory we have or have had id his and was not our power. But we must get in touch with his spirit because we cannot do life let alone this on our own". So I am very grateful for the people He has put before me in this world, for they are the people who help, support and guide me. I see His power and spirit in the sermons preached by our pastor just as much as I see His power and spirit in the smile of our mailman as he waves good morning. I see His power and spirit when my dog greets me at the door wagging her tail and when I open my email to find a response to my post.
I pray that all can find comfort and serenity in the warmth of his constant loving embrace.
Peace,
Allalone
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2011 14:09:52 GMT -7
Let me echo what Allalone has said.
I am an earthly, mortal woman with earthly, mortal needs that have not been met for 25 years.
God designed me and gave me these earthly, mortal needs.
I can't believe He wants me to stay with a man who has no capacity to meet my real, legitimate, God-given needs.
Just as a blind man cannot describe the color red, a sex addict has no capacity to meet my emotional needs.
There are not enough days left in my life for him to learn how to have an emotionally adult relationship with another person, let alone a wife.
I have a hard time seeing my husband as anything other than a 12 year old boy stuck in a mans body.
I've never known what it means to have safety, security or emotional relationship with the man that is my "husband."
I've always had to watch my own back with him, and I always will.
He was never the spiritual head of the home.
He was never anything other than a glorified babysitter to my children.
He can't talk with me or hold anything remotely resembling an emotionally satisfying conversation.
I think I'm done.
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