Barbara Steffens has a Blog!!

First, the quotes are from the February blog, not the March blog.

Second, yes, you are way off base.  Addicts are narcissists.  They thrive in the spotlight.

Third, Read the S-anon "program" for the spouse.  It's disheartening and dis-empowering.  There does not seem to be a single, appropriate program to treat the trauma inflicted on the spouse.  "Blame the victim" is alive and well in the area of sexual addiction.

Barbara Steffens is dead on.

I do agree with DW....after reading numerous, numerous books and having participated in therapy twice a week for the past year.

The addict (at least my addict) does thrive in being in the spotlight...in sort of a backwards way.  My addict has such low self-esteem that any attention is welcome.  However, it's not long before he feels that the attention is undeserved and retreats into his fantasy world.  There's an air of arrogance about him...that he knows everything and is better than everyone else.  He learned from a very early age, that if I don't toot my own horn, I won't be noticed.  (His parents were and continue to be emotionally absent from his life)  To put it simply, he loves the spotlight but it's quickly replaced with self-loathing.  The sad thing about this whole vicious cycle is that even when the attention is well deserved, he will find a way to turn it into a negative!

About S-Anon....so far, I'm not a big fan.  I want to believe it's because I haven't found the right S-Anon group.  The two groups I participated in were filled with a lot of women who blamed themselves and couldn't figure out how to make their addict stop.  The solution offered by the moderators was to read books, and, "by the way, we have an excellent S-Anon book here for just $19.95!"  Like I said, I'm sure I haven't found the right group because I do not believe that is the premise of S-Anon.  However, the list of available S-Anon groups is about as long as your baby toe!

"So for wives or partners of sex addicts, there are two choices: remain invisible or ignored, or be blamed or ridiculed for what someone else does to her."

Remain invisible or ignored......Well, I'm finding that I'm just not as interesting of a subject as my husband.  He's the type of patient every therapist loves.  He has 40 years of layer after layer that needs to be pulled back before they can help him "find himself".  Don't get me wrong, I'm not without my "issues", his are just more of a challenge!

I'm not familiar with Barbara Steffen's blog, but I will look at it.  I do, however, highly recommend her book "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse".  I wish it was one of the first books I read.  I have experienced a trauma of untold magnitude.  And her book helped to define the feelings and emotions that go with every trauma.  I have also experienced a loss...loss of a marriage I really never had, loss of security I really never had, loss of a partner I really never had.  I'm still in my grief stage and just like when someone dies, there's not much anyone can do to help.

Let me bring this back to "remain invisible or ignored".  My therapist and I are working on the grief aspect, but really, there's not much she can do to help.  I'm beginning to resign myself to the fact that this is going to take time and I'm just going to have to feel what I feel.

Be blamed or ridiculed for what someone else does.....I've spent the last year reading as much as I can about sexual addiction.  I've lost count of the number of books I've read.  I've spent hundreds of hours, if not more, on-line reading experts, psychological studies, forum after forum about sexual addiction.  I've learned things about my husbands childhood that no adult should have to experience.  I am directly affected by this addiction and I've learned as much as I possibly can so far.  The point I'm trying to make is that unless it affects you, you're really not to inclined to learn about it.  I know this is a deep emotional sickness but the majority of the world sees it as something to snicker about at the dinner table.  There are a lot of preconceived notions and fears out there about sexual addiction.  (I'll admit that I had some too!)  It's very easy for others (without the knowledge) to judge you, the spouse, simply because you are married to the addict.  "He's just wasn't getting enough at home" "How can you stay married to someone who cheats?"  There are plenty of people with plenty of opinions.  And plenty of people who will give you a supporting hug and then never call.

I'm sad to say that no one except for my therapist knows about my husbands addiction.  My friends and family love me and would support me, but I don't believe they would spend a year learning all they could about sexual addiction.  Their preconceived notions would always be there.

If it weren't for forums like this, I would be utterly lost.

I'm sorry for this response being so long.  I hope it helps you. 

Allalone

No,  my sex addict is supposedly in "recovery."  The therapist thinks he's in "recovery."   Recovery is relative.  He/she defines "recovery" as an absence of acting out.  Baloney.

He still lies.  Even our therapist buys his BS, until I set her straight.  Is that "recovery?"  When does the lying end?  Ever? 

It's still all about him. He's not acting out, supposedly, but he still can't empathize or hold a conversation.   An absence of acting out does not mean he is normal or recovered or can meet the real, reasonable, earthly needs of a wife.  I'm increasinly disenchanted with therapy and therapists, but comforted by this:  If even a trained therapist is duped by his BS....I guess I don't feel so bad that I was taken in.  NO MORE.  But if she's taken in, she can't help me.

I'm getting the support I need from here:  www.marriedtoasexaddict.com

Again, thanks Allalone.

I read as much as I could for two hours over at www.marriedtoasexaddict.com , and you're right, not much to look forward to.

I'm beginning to wonder if a 'successful' marriage is even possible. With all the other baggage men and women bring into the marriage, a 50% divorce rate is grounds for being optimistic.

The avalanche of 'bad' news is depressing, I'm going to bury my head in some 'good news'. Do you have a favourite scripture that brings you hope?

Hi Boche,

While I do not know percentiles of marriages that make it through some level along the broad range of addiction, from regular porn viewing that may not even be addictive, to serial affairs that leave much deeper scars, I would offer the Scripture from Luke 1:37, "for nothing is impossible with God.  NIV

Purity is always worth pursuing, whether or not the marriage can recover from the past.

Some addicts choose addiction over their marriage, no matter how supportive the spouse is, and some spouses will/can not move forward toward healing, no matter how committed the addict is,or how free the addict becomes.  There are, however, certainly those where both are committed to the marriage and healing results in God's time.

TruthSeeker

Wow I am a little surprised and certainly dissapointed in some of the lack of christianity here.
Therapy and sessions with non christians will only help to a minimal extent,all they can help with is "this world" and God is not part of "thos world" at the moment so how can they help specifically christians? At the end of the day only Jesus has the power to heal us and save us and give us the day to day strength.....any victory we have or have had id his and was not our power. But we must get in touch with his spirit because we cannot do life let alone this on our own. And the initial hurdle is for the person and persons to welcome God into day to day life and pray for mercy pray to be broken from satans bonds,even if it means starting something completely new and changing everything in your life,it may be work,friends,tv,internet,location,lifestyle anything! We have to wholeheartedly 100% want that change! and live it day by day minute by minute otherwise satan will easily grab hold of that loose string.

And above all brothers and sisters we must be positive to ourselves and others,marriage is for life even though s many christian couples are being broken by satan these days. God can and will do anything possible but we must start it,and if we don't beleive any of this then are we a so called christian? because there are plenty of them! wake up lets get positive let's start over if need be,christianity is not just a word it's a life with Jesus now everyday and forever.