Four Part Interview with Barbara Steffens

Listening to the second part of the four part interview.  Some notes.......

Barbara Steffens describes the discovery that your husband is a sex addict as a "life quake."  Leaves us questioning reality......puts everything in question.  Destroys the past and puts the future in jeopardy.

D-day.........Disclosure day.  A physical and emotional shattering of reality.

Loss of safety.....behaviors that ocurr after the discovery are safety-seeking behaviors, not co-dependence.  Wives are on guard constantly after the discovery.  Victims of trauma become survivors of trauma through these behaviors.

To help the partner to regain the sense of safety:  Crisis intervention early on.....identify resources, support, and take some immediate steps to figure out if they can SAFELY stay in the home.  For some, this is not possible.  Some need physical and emotional space.  Some women don't trust themselves to control their own rage.  Safety sometimes involves keeping the addict safe.

1.  Reduce isolation.  Find positive social support.

2.  Identify what partner needs to regain sense of safety.

3.  Establish boundaries.

4.  Establish consequences for violation of boundaries.

WE ARE NOT POWERLESS OVER OUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We may be powerless over the addiction, but we are not powerless over our lives.

For the addict:

1.  Need to do trustworthy things, consistently, for a long period of time.  Don't do anything out of the ordinary or unpredictable.  SHE IS NOT LISTENING TO YOUR WORDS, SHE IS LISTENING TO YOUR BEHAVIOR.  ONE LITTLE SHAKE OF TENDER NEW TRUST AND IT'S SHATTERED AGAIN.

2.  Addict needs to gain real understanding of the pain he has inflicted and communicate that to the spouse.  This is really hard for the addict to do.  They have a deficit in this area that led to the addiction.

3.  Must not have any unaccounted for time.

4.  Must provide access to the addicts sponsor or accountability partner.

Boundaries v. Control:  Boundary is set by me for the purpose of protecting myself.  A boundary is a fence.  Control involves manipulating someone else's behavior.

Enabling v. Supporting:  Enabling separates the addict from the consequences of his actions.   Addicts must feel the negative consequence in order to change.  Support is having compassion, getting out of the way and allowing the addict to experience the consequence. 

The most difficult thing for a wife of a sex addict to do is to learn to trust again.  Trusting again is so hard.  Honesty is required by both parties to rebuild trust.  Honesty in the addict is essential.  Total disclosure of all activities is required.  Requires predictability.  Partner must share honestly the thoughts and feelings that she has.  This is difficult because you can't avoid conflict.  Start slowly, but intentionally.  It's ok to say "I don't trust you."  Pretending that everything is ok, will not work. 

Sex addicts offer staggered disclosure, denial, minimization even in "recovery."  They provide details "on the installment plan."  This is a constant and repeated trauma on the wife.  It is more common than not.  Disclosure episodes averaged 5.  This is not helpful to the wife.  Getting back to the earthquake analogy.....these staggered disclosures are like aftershocks and they destroy any trust that has been rebuilt.

Planned, thought-out full disclosure is required if there is to be any hope of reconcilliation. 

How much money was spent on the addiction? is a legitimate question.

"There is no Chlorox for the brain."  Stay away from looking at the porn your husband looked at.  Nothing good comes of it.