Deleted
Deleted Member
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Hello
Dec 13, 2010 22:53:39 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2010 22:53:39 GMT -7
I am 19 years old and I have a masturbation and porn addiction. I have been into porn since I was 11. It has been a big part of my life for so long and letting it go has been the hardest. When I stop I have to shop or walk great distances just to tire myself enough to fall asleep when I get home. Or I eat and I don't ever feel full.I don't know if it is worse because what you can't have is very desirable but I am miserable. I have learned how to get past security blocks to look at porn and even when I don't have it it is in my mind. I think about it so much all the time that everything has just become secondary. I am failing and the only thing that matters is that I can fulfill this need. It has gotten to the point where I feel like so disappointed and sad and I want to be better but I am finding it hard.I feel like those creepy people who watch porn all day. I want to be normal. And not sad all the time.
I have no friends because the only thing I think about I can't talk about. I guess it's good I have no relationships because that means I can't hurt anyone.
God used to be such a huge part of my life and going to church and praying and talking to him used to fill me with joy but now I make excuses and going and thinking about it depresses me to no end.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Hello
Dec 15, 2010 15:27:45 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2010 15:27:45 GMT -7
Bird,
Welcome!
I'm about 40 years older than you are, but you remind me of myself for much of my life. I identify with how much the addiction can consume our lives, with the sense of separation from God, and with the isolation.
A comment? You write, I think that one big part of recovery is learning to talk about who we really are. There's a program slogan that says we're only as sick as our secrets. Trying to find people with whom we really can be completely honest is really important. For me, those people are the people in my meetings, counselors I've worked with, and a few close friends and relatives. Fellow addicts from meetings are an extremely important part of that mix, because people who are not addicts, supportive as they may try to be, don't know the experience from inside and therefore can neither be as understanding as another addict nor as effectively confrontational as another addict, who knows our self-delusion from inside, too.
So where do you go from here in seeking a new way? I think that we are dealing with a real addiction, and that just like other addicts, we need tools like counseling and 12-step support in order to learn a new way of life. I also think that that new way of life is very much out there, and that ordinary people like thee and me find sobriety and freedom every day. It may be the hardest thing we'll ever do, but it's also the most blessed and the most rewarding.
May you find new life.
Tim M.
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