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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2010 4:20:58 GMT -7
Last Christmas was horrendous for me. I was clinically depressed and probably should have been on anti-depressants.
I am better this year, but I am reminded daily of my husband's indiscretions, his infidelity, everything that I should have had in my marriage, but didn't/don't. I'm depressed. Not as bad as last year, but depressed such that it is interferring with my functioning. Days will begin to lengthen shortly, and I look forward to that.
I wonder if this is Seasonal Affective Disorder, SAD, or whether this is just a hard time of year for wives of sex addicts. I would appreciate hearing from other wives.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2010 4:57:14 GMT -7
The holidays are horrendous! It's been that way for me for about 15 years. There are lots of reasons. My mom died in 1994, just 18 months after my father passed. They both were just 54 when they died. It had been our tradition to spend Christmas Eve with my husbands family and Christmas Day with mine.
I always dreaded Christmas Eve. We (my kids and myself) would spend the evening in the family room watching TV while my in-laws and husband talked for hours at the dining room table. I noticed that after my parents died, there always seemed to be a big blow out with my husband on Christmas Day. The fights were very loud and no doubt affected the kids. It took years before I was able to see a pattern and it finally dawned on me that not only did I miss my parents but I was so angry that my in-laws didn't recognize how blessed they were to have their grandchildren. I was angry that my children were deprived of grandparents by death and by indifference. My husband never saw it.
My in-laws moved out of state several years ago and almost instantaneously, the Christmas Day arguments ceased. It's still a very sad and lonely time and over the past few years, I made a point to mention a few weeks before Christmas that I might be on edge, the reason for my sadness and reminded him to be patient. The holidays have been a bit more manageable.
2010 brought his revelation about his addiction. This year has been a struggle like none before....believe it or not, more difficult than my parents passing. If you remember from earlier posts, my husband moved out for about 4 months and had to return for financial reasons. It's hard having him here. I literally can feel my sadness increase as I get closer to home after a days work. It's one thing to come home to an empty house and be alone. It's quite another to come home to a husband and STILL be alone!
I am absolutely dreading this Christmas. I haven't a clue as to how I will muddle through it. I keep trying to focus on the kids, but that wasn't enough to ease the depression in the past, so I don't know how far it will get me through this year.
I'm not a big believer in Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's been my experience as a member of the medical profession that drug companies will often create their own diagnosis in order to promote the sale of a new drug. After all, how can you explain feeling sad and depressed in the middle of July, floating on a raft in a pool, with the warm sun beating down, birds singing and the wonderful smell of fresh cut grass!
We will see how this holiday season goes. I'm in the "one hour at a time" mode right now!
AllAlone
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2010 5:35:00 GMT -7
Hang in there, Allalone.........
I just muddled through last year, which was the year of my discovery. I'm doing better this year, so there is hope for you. I can definitely relate to being at home---all alone--- with your husband sitting on the couch next to you.
What I find is that this season reminds me of the many times my husband was not only absent, but emotionally abusive. I remember one Christmas in particular where I'd worked really hard and had a lot of presents under the tree for the kids. I was so proud. The picture that I saw in my mind was beautiful.......my husband pronounced it "gross." I guess he had to bring me down a peg or two because he hadn't done a darn thing.
I guess I'm ruminating. There is so much emotional abuse that acompanies this addiction. That's what I regret tolerating more than anything. I look back over my life, and I realize I just shut up and took it....why didn't I hand it to him.......as I should have? When I did finally reach my breaking point, I hauled him to marriage counseling and he went with an attitude. He did apologize for that last week, but I'm not even at a point where I can accept the apology. My life should have been so different.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2010 3:51:57 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2010 5:54:26 GMT -7
Hi,
I read the article about Holiday Stress on the website "marriedtoasexaddict.com". I've begun making my lists of dreams/illusions versus the reality of my situation. It's helpful to see it on paper, to re-read it, say it aloud and to hear my own voice.
It's going to take much time to mourn those dreams and also to accept the realities. It's been almost a year and I know in order to heal I'm going to have to feel every emotion and miserable feeling there is.
It truly is one day at a time.
My best to all.
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2010 6:36:01 GMT -7
Dear Allalone,
I would also encourage you to listen to the four part interview with Barbara Steffens. It validates what we experience......and she rightly calls it a trauma.
The interviews are available here: marriedtoasexaddict.com/interviews-2/
My best, DW
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