Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
new
Dec 8, 2010 16:26:57 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2010 16:26:57 GMT -7
Hi, I have been asked by my wife to read on this website and examine my actions. I have used pornography and am guilty of sin. I have addictive tendencies to lust and at times alcohol. I am coming to terms whether I feel that I am an addict, but in simplest terms I have to admit that I am. The level of dysfunction that the term addict has in my understanding or definition is why I am having a difficult time accepting it. In reading the articles I am understanding the truth but not feeling the love as "speaking the truth in love" comes from the bible. There are many issues that lead me to my current choices. The are solely my responsibility in the sin I choose to commit. But one area that I feel has contributed to my wrong choices has not been addressed here and I don't know how to correctly place it in my recovery. I have caused a great deal of hurt and pain to my wife. She has known of my actions (my sin) for some time and I have not successfully dealt with them. I have tried to communicate what I see as my normal sexual drive and desire for my wife sexually to her, but our marriage relationship has not been fulfilling sexually. I can now see how my sin and its pain to her corrupted me and our marriage. Even when I was thinking of real Godly love, because of my corrupted life I see now that she had no reason to trust or believe me. Thus leading to more of my fall into being dysfunctional. Over the last 3- 4 years I grew angry and passively bitter toward my wife and toward God. I let sin separate me from both of them. I have repented toward God and my wife. I have received God's forgiveness and am working toward forgiveness with her.
But as I recover I would like to know when and how to address my wife's unwillingness to bless me and her withdrawal from me throughout our marriage. As I examine our 16 year marriage I don't feel that before my fall into lust and sin she has ever embraced the idea to give herself sexually. It has been a sore area for me throughout our married life. I believe there are issues which come from her difficult life where her parents divorced and had other problems (I don't feel comfortable to mention as I think it would be inappropriate if I elaborate). It was not to my knowledge sexual abuse toward her but more extenuating than a ugly divorce. I am not trying to blame her for my sin. I do recognize the hurt it has caused me and has contributed to my actions.
So I want to deal with my problems first but when do I address my other issue with her? How long of a time can I expect the process to take? How do I deal with normal sexual desire to be with my wife during this time of healing? When does my hurt get addressed? It seems in reading I have to give up any complaint that I have and it doesn't ever have to be acknowledged. So that part seems unfair to me. I hope in our healing process it will be repaired and a normal blessed marriage will result. But I my doubts that will happen and we will be back to where I feel shut out. I am looking for real intimacy, emotionally, spiritually and physically. But to me there seems to be a curtain over certain areas in my wife that I wanted to give time and tried to approach gently but I always seemed like a bull in a china shop to her. To the best of my effort I was offering genuine tenderness and caring , but I never felt like I was allowed to enter. That is what hurts me.
(As I re- read this post I am not sure if I have written my thoughts as clearly as I would like and I have tried to edit them but this is the best I can do.)
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
new
Dec 9, 2010 3:22:15 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2010 3:22:15 GMT -7
Hi TJB,
Welcome to Blazing Grace. Honoring your wife's request to read the articles here, and honestly reflecting on what applies to you took humility and courage. It is going to take time and consistent follow-through to begin to make a dent on the hurt and trust that have been crushed. I hate to tell you this, but we are probably talking months or years, not days or weeks. I pray that you will have discernment as to when to raise this concern with your wife, and that God will prepare her heart to re-learn sexual intimacy and break the unhealthy patterns that have developed between the two of you. As you note, there may be contributing factors from her upbringing that are affecting her feelings about intimacy.
In the meantime, it is your response of faith that compels you to be pure in body and mind, whether you are married or single. Yes, marriage is designed to be physically fulfilling in a way that precludes temptation, but while you await that, and while you are endeavoring to learn and put in to practice the things that meet your wife's emotional needs to the point that physical response will hopefully be more forthcoming, purity is still what God requires.
You are not alone in this struggle. This thread may not provide answers, but you will see that you share this concern with others. www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum8/804.html
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
new
Dec 9, 2010 4:00:17 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2010 4:00:17 GMT -7
You've crushed a tender flower. Everything you have done has diminished her self-worth and worked to destroy her, libido included. If she doesn't trust you, and she has no reason to at this point, she will have no desire for you. Period. Some facts of life that need to be stated clearly and unequivocally:
1. A WOMANS LIBIDO IS NOT HORMONALLY DRIVEN, IT IS EMOTIONALLY DRIVEN. Read that again until it sinks in.
2. A WOMAN IS NOT A MAN WITH CURVES. Read that again until it sinks in.
3. WOMENS NEEDS ARE DIFFERENT THAN MENS. Read that again until it sinks in.
4. EMOTIONAL INTIMACY, BASED ON TRUST, MUST PRECEDE ANY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. Read that again until it sinks in.
Don't pressure your wife. It will only backfire on you. You have to learn to deal with your urges until she trusts you again. At this point, she likely only sees you as a male member on two legs who is interested in only one thing. Period. No self-respecting woman is interested in being a plaything that is used and then ignored until the next time you need a release.
You say you have tried to communicate what you see as your normal sexual drive to her. HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO WHAT SHE MIGHT BE SAYING IN RETURN?
If you are constantly "giving" her what you think she needs without LISTENING TO WHAT SHE IS TELLING YOU OR ASKING FOR.........you're never going to connect with your wife. Your post is full of "I" "ME" "MY"........and I see no evidence that you've considered whether your wife has needs and wants of her own that are not or have not been fulfilled.
When does your hurt get addressed? Right here and now. GROW UP. You are the man. You are supposed to be the spiritual head of the home. I'm willing to bet that like my husband, you brought your porn habit into the marriage without your wife's knowledge. I'm further willing to bet that when your wife started sensing that she was nothing more than a receptacle for that which you needed to be rid of, you used her withdrawal as a rationalization to further indulge your addiction. YOUR WIFE IS A DIRECT REFLECTION OF YOUR HUSBANDRY. Her withdrawal occurred in response to what she saw, knew or sensed about your activities. Wives know something is wrong even if they cannot put a finger directly on the issue. If you don't like what you see in your wife, you'd better look in the mirror. See: www.hlm.org/html/texts/damage.htm
I will be praying for you and your wife..........
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
new
Dec 9, 2010 4:39:13 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2010 4:39:13 GMT -7
As I re-read my inital post and the responses, I want to say that I needed to vent some of my frustration so I did focus on how i was feeling. I also found more than a couple places what I wrote was not really the same thought that I tried to say. I accept that it will be likely months before our marriage will heal. I take responsibility for the hurt I brought upon her. I also recognize my failure as head of the family. I have tried to make every effort to avoid lashing back, but it is difficult when I hear her tell me what I am thinking and how I feel toward her or the family. She does understand all the I am thinking, it's hard to take. I will accept any description of how I made her or the children feel, or what my actions did to cause harm. And I am trying not to lead the discussion or be defensive in any way, but that is very hard to do.
I am sorry for the choices I have made. I am trying to open up to understanding her pain which I have caused, sometimes it seems that there are other factors in play. I am not trying to play the psychologist or counsellor. I will accept the challenge to walk in her shoes, and see her point of view. It is apparent that we did not talk over things well before we married to agree on how to build our life together. I want to break the cycle of pain that both our upbrings brought to us.
I will continue to ask God to renew my mind and thoughts. I use I statements because that's where I am at now. I don't mean to focus on myself but it is hard to stand up and be God's man in my family without hope and a little reassurance that I will be healed too.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
new
Dec 9, 2010 4:54:46 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2010 4:54:46 GMT -7
Your actions evidence your thoughts. Your wife is reading your actions.
My husband's actions made it abundantly clear that the children and I were last on his list of priorities. DEAD LAST. My husbands actions made it abundantly clear that he never listened to me or my clearly expressed needs or my priorities. In short, if it wasn't his idea, his priority, or his interest, it didn't happen. He never stepped out of his self-centered little world.
You cannot expect your wife to take your needs seriously if your actions show her that she and your children are last on your list. Reread that.
It will take YEARS to heal the damage you've done. If you truly want healing for your wife, family and yourself, you must be willing to devote the time and energy that it will take over the course of YEARS, not months.
And I should add.......healing will come from the Lord..........in His time. You can't dictate His schedule.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
new
Dec 9, 2010 7:28:01 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2010 7:28:01 GMT -7
Red emphasis mine.
FROM: www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3842485&ct=6852393
"...Something else became evident in the stories told by readers: Their sexual dysfunction was usually not the cause of problems in their marriage, but the result of these problems. They illustrate a truth that is taught at our Weekend to Remember marriage getaways—that “sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a reflection of a couple’s oneness.â€
In other words, difficulties in a couple’s sex life often reflect deeper issues in their relationship. Are they enjoying companionship together? Are they growing in spiritual intimacy? Is anything threatening their commitment to each other? Is there unresolved conflict?
Another issue that came up repeatedly in the comments was pornography. It is evident that porn plays a large role in the dysfunction experienced by many couples. As one wife wrote:
[indent]
Being rejected deflates my sense of womanhood and femininity. It's as if I'm not a person in his eyes. Our barricade to intimacy was his porn habit/addiction. Porn and masturbation do not help a man develop communication skills, nor a desire to give during sex. The other issue coming out of this is that a wife then has to guard her heart and body from other men. Without that protection of intimacy from her husband she needs, she's left open and unprotected. Only by the grace of God was I able to resist temptation long enough to flee it. A man lost to this leaves his wife with a lonely battle. I love this man, but often I really want to be free of this lonely ache that makes me feel like his roommate but not his wife. It's not about being unattractive, it's about fantasy and reality crashing between our sheets.
[/indent]
There are, of course, no simple answers for situations like these. When a couple is experiencing lack of intimacy to this degree, they need to reach out beyond themselves for help. As Dennis Rainey writes, “Find a pastor, a counselor, or another godly man in whom you can confide. Do it for the sake of your marriage and family. Step out of the shadows of isolation and into the healing from the One who gives ‘every good and perfect gift’ (James 1:17).†"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
new
Dec 9, 2010 8:09:03 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2010 8:09:03 GMT -7
tjb,
Welcome!
I don't have an answer to how long it will take for anything to happen. Everything related to time seems to me to be highly variable from addict to addict - how rapidly we escalate, how rapidly we become sober, how rapidly we find real surrender and recovery, how often we relapse, how long healing takes with those around us. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to any of those things. So mostly, I have only a welcome and nothing more.
One quick question and one quick comment, though?
The question: It's common that addiction and poor communication go together. While our primary goal as addicts has to be our own recovery, working on communication can certainly be part of that. Anything that even hints of a quid pro quo - I'll quit using, but in return, I want you to do xyz - is utterly inappropriate, but suggesting that you need help learning to communicate and that you would like to work with our wife and a counselor to try to build better skills would seem to me to be reasonable. Is that something you have done or something to which she is open? It may not be something she is yet ready for, in which case I think it can't be pushed; and it may not be a quick and easy process. It could be worth it, though.
The comment: I could easily be wrong, but you sound like you're in rather a rush, like you think you can just do this recovery thing and then normal life can resume. There's a tendency among Christians to beat ourselves up as much as possible, to make extravagant proclamations of our own sinfulness, to announce Christ's forgiveness, and to imagine that now that sinful aspect of our lives is over. I think I've often done that. I don't think that's how it works, though.
After all, I may be forgiven by God, but unless I can learn a new way to live and build a whole new life, my ingrained old ways of feeling and behaving are going to lead me right back into the same sin again and again. I've lived a life of that.
I don't just need forgiveness. I need to learn new skills. I need to learn to trust others. I need to learn to feel my own feelings. I need to find the courage to look at myself both honestly and gently. I need to learn surrender and openness. I need to understand my past and to be able to let go of things to which I may be clinging. I need to become a whole new person. That doesn't happen in a day or a week or a month or a year. It's a long, hard process, though an unbelievably rewarding one. Relax, buckle down, and accept and enjoy the long haul. And don't be in a rush to put this behind you and to go back to normal life. I don't think we can put it behind us, not and stay sober. And for me and for my fellow addicts, normal never worked. That's why we're addicts. We need to find something new and radically different. We need to embark on a quest of growth and exploration that is the new work of the rest of our lives. We need humbly to accept that we can never and must never go back.
So don't be in a rush. Accept that you'll be working on this in a month and in a year and in 10 years. Breathe and grow.
At least, that's what I'm trying to do, sometimes better than others.
What are you doing now for recovery? Who are you working with? I don't think addiction recovery is ever something we can do alone and without a lot of energy and focus and joy.
Peace,
Tim M.
|
|