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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2010 3:09:31 GMT -7
My addicted spouse will act very mean and cruel towards me. Then later he wants to hug and love on me as if he can make the pain go away. He causes the pain then wants to comfort me. That is crazy! The problem as I see it, is he's not really wanting to comfort me but rather in hugging and loving on me, he is comforted. He tells me that he can't be loving towards me because he doesn't feel love coming from me. Well, duh! How in the world am I supposed to be loving when he treats me so horribly?  He doesn't want to change, he just wants me to be ok with it. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2010 6:31:29 GMT -7
I am not an expert, but from my readings and own experience I may have an answer.
Addiction...any addiction....is all about "self". Addicts are selfish and self-centered. They cannot see beyond themselves unless it's to their benefit. I believe it all stems from the isolation that goes hand in hand with addiction.
My addict has his own world and only after 11 months of intense therapy has he begun to see outside of it. And when I say "begun" I mean momentary glimpses of other around him. Therapists tell me it takes a long time, probably years of therapy and even then, no guarantees of success.
When he revealed his addiction, he was petrified of the consequences he would have to face. Although he repeated said he was sorry for the pain he caused, he really didn't understand why I just didn't have a good cry and then move on. He doesn't understand how this trauma can sometimes immobilize you. Again, they don't see much beyond themselves.
If there are any addicts reading this, I would welcome feedback as to the validity of my statements.
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2010 7:20:54 GMT -7
Self, me, self, me, my wants, my needs, my desires, me, mine, self, me, mine..........all occupy their thoughts and actions. The addict/narcissist is a master manipulator. If he learned that he can get what he wants by causing you pain then "comforting" you, it makes perfect sense that this would become part of his modus operandi.
The self-centeredness of the addict is unbelievable at times.........still.........Let me give you a couple of antecdotes from my experience:
1. Easter Sunday: Throughout our entire married life, until about the 8th year of marriage...........I always made my husband an "Easter Basket" with Godiva chocolate. I made the kids Easter baskets with age appropriate things, but I always got him something, made it into a basket that the Easter bunny could leave for "daddy." I never received anything in return, ever. SO, one Easter season, I decided not to make him a basket. Instead of stepping outside of himself and seeing that he'd never reciprocated, he put on a baby-like pout and said "you don't love me anymore." When I said, "How long have we been married?" He said 8 years, which was correct. And I said: "Has the Easter Bunny ever visited me, ever, in that 8 years?" And he said "no." There was a fleeting second that he "got it" but it didn't last, and for him to "get it" for that fleeting second, I had to effectively hit him upside the head with a 2 x 4. These "men" are morons......apologies to morons. I think it is probably more appropriate to describe them as self-centered 12-year olds who are stuck in mens bodies.
2. Friday after Thanksgiving........yesterday..........He made lasagna. I made garlic bread. I put the garlic bread in the oven. He was getting up to cut the lasagna and I suggested turning the broiler on for a few minutes to crisp the bread. He burned it to a crisp. His response: "Well, I guess broiling it wasnt' a good idea." What is wrong with that statement? Do you see it? It's subtle, but his first, reflexive response to his failing was to blame me for the idea. He didn't burn the garlic bread............... I had a dumb idea. I am almost 17 months post discovery. He has been sober for 17 months, supposedly.......and still........he can't take responsibility for something as simple as burning the garlic bread. It's always someone else's fault....probably mine.
They are self-centered little boys...........stuck in mens bodies.
I wish you well.........DW
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