Do We Deserve Punishment?

WW,

I'm not sure exactly what sort of behavior your husband is engaging in and where he is in his own self-understanding, but let me talk about some pieces of my own behavior that might or might not be relevant.

For me, anger at my wife and kids was very much a part of the addictive cycle.  I was angry at them because I was angry at myself.  I tried to control them because I couldn't control myself.  But also, provoking a fight which left me feeling oppressed and unappreciated let me say, "See?  My needs aren't being met at home.  I'm angry at them.  I'm therefore perfectly justified in seeking my pleasure elsewhere, in behaving hurtfully toward them and toward myself."  The rage therefore facilitated the start of the addictive cycle.

I didn't understand any of that at the time.  In retrospect, though, it's clear that my rage and my addiction have always been intimately connected.  My understanding from counseling, both my own and family sessions, is that unpredictable anger from a parent, even if it is incredibly rare, is one of the most harmful things we addicts do to our kids, one of the things that causes them to develop a need to control, a need that can get manifested in perfectionism and in addiction in their own lives (addiction because my drug of choice offers me predictable comfort).  I think it's terribly important to take this aspect of our behavior very, very seriously.

About the spouse's feelings, here's a possible thought.  Any addict, but especially a sex addict, lives in shame and in hiding.  We cover up our actions from others, and we hide them from ourselves.  Patrick Carnes says that core beliefs of the addict include that no one would love me if they could see me as I am.  On a deep level, we believe that to admit who we are to others, or even to face ourselves deeply, is to die.

From that perspective, can you see how deadly dangerous honest feelings from the spouse are?  For my life, I'm working to minimize my situation, and I'm working to hide who I really am behind a façade of decency.  For you honestly to see who I am and honestly to feel the extent of my betrayal threatens that whole system of self-delusion and deception of others, a system upon which I depend to keep going from day to day.  It's therefore vitally important for me to shrug off your feelings.

I'v got to do that right up to the point at which I realize that the only way forward is for me to be willing to change everything in my life and to become a whole new human being.  People can do that.  People do recover from addictions.  For someone recovering, your feelings may still be very frightening, but there can be an acceptance that walking into that fear is the only way forward, and that your feelings must be affirmed.  People can arrive at that point, but doing so is the scariest thing most of us will ever face.  Some of us find that courage.  Some of us prefer, in the end, to die alone and afraid, still hiding from others and from ourselves.

Does any of this help?  I can't pretend that what I find looking inside myself is what every sex addict finds, but I don't think that my experience is that unusual, either.

Tim M.