Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2010 4:16:13 GMT -7
This is my first post here. I have been reading posts for about a month now. I have been blessed from them to know that i am not alone in this devastation. My husband and I will be married 4 years in January. About 4 months into our marriage I caught him looking at pornography. It took him a year to get into" recovery" and he has been for about 2 years now. It seems though every 6-9 months he confesses to acting out. Just a month ago he confessed to a 5 month period in which he acted out and covered up and lied about it to everyone in his life including me, his accountability partner, sponsor, counselor and support group. He has since confessed to all of us and is "serious" about recovery. Last night he said the Lord showed him times that he has covered up in the past that he needed to confess to me. I am glad that he is finally being honest, but I am so tired of the constant blows. I feel like a person who has been beaten to the last inch of their life and just as the healing begins another blow comes.
Last night when he was confessing his acting out and lies again... a question came to me. I wanted to know if he has ever thought of having an affair. He answered yes. Explaining that he had masturbated to the fantasy of having sex with a woman that he knows. He claims she is no longer in his life and that nothing emotional, physical or spiritual ever happened between them. This has sent me on a tailspin of anger. I mean it is one thing that he masturbates to pornography and images of people he has no relationship with. But it seems all together different to me when it is a a person with whom he had contact with. Does this seem different to anyone else? Am I crazy, is it all the same?
My trust for my husband is gone. And this information makes me feel fearful of what else he may eventually confess or do in the future. Currently we are in an "in house separation." I am not sure I should trust that this is all that has happened. I am tired of being left in the dark about my life. I feel our whole marriage is a sham. I want healing for both of us, but I am hopeless right now and do not see how this is ever possible.
How will I ever know (even if he is in recovery) that when we make love that he isn't thinking of someone else? Dreaming of someone in his life, etc?
I must confess my own sin I am struggling with thoughts now of wanting revenge. Of going out and having an affair so that he might feel some sort of similar pain. I know this is crazy talk and I won't do it. But I do struggle with it. Does
anyone else think this sometime?
I am in such a vulnerable spot right now. I am a stay at home mom with an 11 month old and I am 5 months pregnant. I just want to make the best decisions for myself and my children. Any help or encouragement is welcome.
Last night when he was confessing his acting out and lies again... a question came to me. I wanted to know if he has ever thought of having an affair. He answered yes. Explaining that he had masturbated to the fantasy of having sex with a woman that he knows. He claims she is no longer in his life and that nothing emotional, physical or spiritual ever happened between them. This has sent me on a tailspin of anger. I mean it is one thing that he masturbates to pornography and images of people he has no relationship with. But it seems all together different to me when it is a a person with whom he had contact with. Does this seem different to anyone else? Am I crazy, is it all the same?
My trust for my husband is gone. And this information makes me feel fearful of what else he may eventually confess or do in the future. Currently we are in an "in house separation." I am not sure I should trust that this is all that has happened. I am tired of being left in the dark about my life. I feel our whole marriage is a sham. I want healing for both of us, but I am hopeless right now and do not see how this is ever possible.
How will I ever know (even if he is in recovery) that when we make love that he isn't thinking of someone else? Dreaming of someone in his life, etc?
I must confess my own sin I am struggling with thoughts now of wanting revenge. Of going out and having an affair so that he might feel some sort of similar pain. I know this is crazy talk and I won't do it. But I do struggle with it. Does
anyone else think this sometime?
I am in such a vulnerable spot right now. I am a stay at home mom with an 11 month old and I am 5 months pregnant. I just want to make the best decisions for myself and my children. Any help or encouragement is welcome.