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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2010 14:43:22 GMT -7
I learn and read and listen to others stories. I struggle and pray and try to be a
good wife. I hear from him that he still looks at porn, imagines everyday that he is
having sex with hundred of women. And yet I still try. He says he is a Christian and
then says he is a dog that returns to his own vomit. Says nothing will be ok as
long as I am who I am. I wont accept this behavior as ok, no big deal like he wants
me to, so I guess as long as I dont agree with it, nothing can be ok.
There are holes in his relationship to God that I can not fix or fill. But he sees
everything as just circumstances that should be changed and then, everything
would be ok. I am not willing to change all of my circumstances because it is the heart
that needs to be changed, right? Am I wrong?
He hates his job, our home, where we live, the way I talk, the way I think, the things I
say. Hates that I wont compromise, loosen up, wont drink...
So as it all points to me, I dont see it.
He hates that a friend told him that he and I are two different people, he thinks we
should just be an extension of one another and that I should just think like him and do
what he says.
It all seems so wrong to me, I seek the Lord and serve and he is angry and depressed
almost all of the time. Am I just an idiot?
He says I should divorce him. I say no as I dont think that is the answer. Any feedback
for me?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2010 16:12:02 GMT -7
Hi Claire,
People who live in if-only-land would not be content in dreamland, even if it arrived. As the apostle Paul said, he had had little and plenty, good circumstances and difficult, and the secret to joy is to be able to be content through our relationship with Christ, in any circumstances.
If your husband has a job when so many don't, a home when so many have lost theirs, lives somewhere that he doesn't have to fear political violence, and is married to a faithful wife when many men are tossed aside as dish water, and thinks he has nothing for which to be grateful, then his head is on backwards and upside down!
I would surmise that the reason he wants you to divorce him is to have one more thing for which to blame someone else, instead of looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for his own moral weaknesses, and failure to meet his own dreams.
Only when God is in the center of the marriage for both partners can there be unity--not where one person bends the other to their will, but where both seeking God's will draws them in to unity. That cannot happen for someone who is as self-absorbed as your husband is.
I can't imagine why anyone would want to have dozens of sexual partners. The physical is utterly empty if there is not emotional intimacy attached. It is just another ridiculous fantasy that he couldn't fulfill even if he had the opportunity, and would find unsatisfying if he tried. I feel sad for his emptiness that he cannot accept fillling with God's goodness. I am heart-broken for what he puts you through. Only you can decide whether staying fulfills any Godly purpose. I'm afraid that I do not see it, but I am not God.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2010 16:35:51 GMT -7
I honestly agree with you... It is true that he is self absorbed. He thinks on his past
more than he does his present. Wishing things were like the old days. So upset that
times passes by and he has yet to realize his dreams. Resents me so much it seems
and yet I try. But what I give is not what he wants. He almost seems to persecute me
for my values, my desire to follow God and be moral.
Every season brings depression and sadness for him, for all kinds of reasons. He stated
that he wanted to try things my way, to seek God together, pray together, spend good
time together then nothing happens. Nothing. If I ask for him to do a devotion or pray,
he says no.
He says he is deteriorating and wasting away. I see that and I see that most of it is
spiritual. He does nothing spiritual for me or my boys. He goes to church with us, seems
to like it then nothing...
No apologies for what he does, says, why do you want to be with a man who imagines
having sex with hundreds of women every day and night?
I dont even know what to say anymore. After he spills all over me in one of our talks
that points out all that I dont understand and cant because I am not capable, he seems
nice for a few days then back into depression and acting cold and indifferent. And then
I initiate intimacy because I am afraid of more separation. I feel like a fool. Like I am
trying and he doesnt even want me.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2010 8:53:33 GMT -7
Claire,
Often when I am trying to make a decision in my own life about what to do......I envision my daughter in the same position then ask myself what I would advise my daughter to do if she found herself in the same predicament. Invariably, the answer is "GET OUT NOW!" It seems that sometimes, my instinct to protect my daughter is stronger than my instinct to protect myself. Perhaps the difference is that my daughter is 22 and has her whole life ahead of her. I am 48, and I too have my whole life ahead of me. The time left on this earth is likely to be much shorter, but it is my whole life nonetheless. I'm not sure that should change my answer to myself....but somehow it does.
I hope that helps.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2010 23:40:32 GMT -7
I destroyed my ministry by jumping into bed with one more women. I told my wife that she needed to change. I made her feel it was all her fault. I offered her divorce because I had said to her and myself the time before that I would let her go on with out me hurting her any longer. She said "no" and stayed with me....still with me.
Did I offer divorce for her sake or my sickness? I don't know.
God hates divorce. He allows it.
Are you an idiot? NO!
It sounds like you both need good Christian counsolers who understand sexual addiction.
I am reading HE LOVES ME! by Wayne Jacobsen. I also have a counsoler to see. For me the book has opened my spiritual eyes.
I am praying for you both.
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