Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2010 21:03:12 GMT -7
Ok here I go. Clean and simple, because I could write a whole lot. I'm a 47 year old female. Married 18 years and living in my house is 3 older children and a 2 year old. At 8 I began looking at my dads Playboy and mb Even in grammar school my obsession with sex was noticed and I learned to hide it. At 13 drugs and alcohol. At 15 , trying to prove to myself I wasn't gay I slept with every Tom, **** or Harry. I've always been attracted to women, but also men. I seen women as comforting and warm. Men were cold and unemotional. Any sign of tenderness in a man and I was long gone. So guess what kind of guy I married? I met him in AA, where else. He was divorced and raising kids under 5. So for the next 15 years all my problems were because of him. I still mb'd alot, but was ashamed.
God works in mysterious ways. A year ago my husband made an about face and starting becoming caring, tender and concerned about me and our children. Yuk.Maybe because I began drinking and realized for the first time I could cheat on him.He was intuitive to imy thoughtsand pressed me on it. Those thoughts also scared me because I never thought I could think that way.But I also began to see guys differently and I did want niceness and compassion from a man. So the problem. I was getting what I wanted and I couldn't and can't stand him.The nicer he is the more repulsed I am except in the intimate part of our relationship.6 months ago, my husband introduced me to porno on the web. I have been battling it ever since. I thought my problems was mid-life crises, but after reading articles at this site, I believe, the problem is mb/ fantasy and same gender tendicies. My husband has no idea, and I am not up to telling him yet.. He battled pornography and has pretty much turned his back on it. When he does he confines in me and feels guity.
I am lonely and scared. I do prescription drugs, smoke and battle my weight. Plus the above mentioned. The funny thing is most people see me as the prudish Christian with it all together. We have a small church so no way can I talk with the women there. So God in His mercy, I believe, has led me here. But as I read earlier I don't have the love of God in me. Nor do I know Him. My SA problems in the last few months have escalated and it scares me, but also thrills me because each new thought brings thoughts of a new adventure. And I love adventure. Help and pray for me. I am at a lost. Its 1:00am and its the only time I can privatly get on the computer.I signed in with SLAA but the meeting times don't work, because their meetings run during the day and the computer is in a main room so anyone can walk by.And when I do find some time to get on guess what else is on the computer. And I find myself taking more and more chances with what I am pulling up, while they are in the other room.
My string of hope is "He who begins a good work will finish it." and " He is the author and finisher of our faith". But it scares me that I don't know Him. I want Him then I run off to fantasy land.
Any I can relate with you helps so much, along with prayer and encouregement.Thank you all for your shares, it gives a small piece of comfort when you know your not alone. God Bless
P.S. I received a D in high school English. Now through home schooling I have an 7th grade English skill, so if my writings off, you will know why.
God works in mysterious ways. A year ago my husband made an about face and starting becoming caring, tender and concerned about me and our children. Yuk.Maybe because I began drinking and realized for the first time I could cheat on him.He was intuitive to imy thoughtsand pressed me on it. Those thoughts also scared me because I never thought I could think that way.But I also began to see guys differently and I did want niceness and compassion from a man. So the problem. I was getting what I wanted and I couldn't and can't stand him.The nicer he is the more repulsed I am except in the intimate part of our relationship.6 months ago, my husband introduced me to porno on the web. I have been battling it ever since. I thought my problems was mid-life crises, but after reading articles at this site, I believe, the problem is mb/ fantasy and same gender tendicies. My husband has no idea, and I am not up to telling him yet.. He battled pornography and has pretty much turned his back on it. When he does he confines in me and feels guity.
I am lonely and scared. I do prescription drugs, smoke and battle my weight. Plus the above mentioned. The funny thing is most people see me as the prudish Christian with it all together. We have a small church so no way can I talk with the women there. So God in His mercy, I believe, has led me here. But as I read earlier I don't have the love of God in me. Nor do I know Him. My SA problems in the last few months have escalated and it scares me, but also thrills me because each new thought brings thoughts of a new adventure. And I love adventure. Help and pray for me. I am at a lost. Its 1:00am and its the only time I can privatly get on the computer.I signed in with SLAA but the meeting times don't work, because their meetings run during the day and the computer is in a main room so anyone can walk by.And when I do find some time to get on guess what else is on the computer. And I find myself taking more and more chances with what I am pulling up, while they are in the other room.
My string of hope is "He who begins a good work will finish it." and " He is the author and finisher of our faith". But it scares me that I don't know Him. I want Him then I run off to fantasy land.
Any I can relate with you helps so much, along with prayer and encouregement.Thank you all for your shares, it gives a small piece of comfort when you know your not alone. God Bless
P.S. I received a D in high school English. Now through home schooling I have an 7th grade English skill, so if my writings off, you will know why.