Is fetish porn worse than an actual affair?

Hi DW,

In interests of strict rationality, though I realize that emotion is at the forefront for you at the moment, it is unlikely that your husband is very closely akin to the man you married.  He has had more than two decades to escalate from an occasional beer binge to being a crack-head.  This DOES NOT reflect on you or your choice of a husband.

I think that I can grasp that the nature of his behavior of which you are aware could be more disturbing than the violation of conceiving his flesh entwined with another woman's.  I can see that you might reasonably infer that he might wish to interact with you in such a manner, and that is, indeed, disturbing.

So I guess what I am basically saying is that "worse" may well be different for each of us.

TruthSeeker

I can't say what's more damaging to a spouse.  I haven't been there.  There's nothing I can juxtapose to your actual experience.

I'd make a couple of observations, though:

(1) I think that what we fantasize about and what we would actually do can sometimes be quite different.  Scenes I found alluring when alone and when disconnected from real people and real emotions would have been frightening and perhaps repellant in real life.  It's easy to push that bit of self-defense too far, deluding ourselves that we would never do XYZ.  I don't say that, nor do I minimize the hurtfulness of what I did do.  But I also think that the soulless and distant process of imagining encounters is so different from any possible real encounter with a woman the age of your daughter or of mine that it may be hard both for us and for others to think rightly about the emotional content and meaning of our porn.

(2) It's also not uncommon for addicts to chase the original high into places that are uncomfortable even for us.  We get habituated to things that used to give us an incredible rush; and unable to get that same rush again, we go for higher doses, stronger drugs, more aberrant behavior.  I've met a lot of men who identify as straight who have been led by the process of escalation to seek out gay porn or gay encounters, but who strongly deny that this is their preference.  It's just more forbidden, more dangerous, a futile attempt to chase the old thrill.  If people can deny being attracted to things they may spend many hours a day seeking, then perhaps it's hard for anyone else to discern what we are really seeking, what we really crave.

Again, none of this is a defense of our actions nor an effort to minimize their gravity.  It's just a suggestion not to ascribe more rationality to us than our actions warrant.  Our compulsive desires pull us many ways, and our actions hurt us as well as others.  To me it seems perfectly possible to seek compulsively things that also repel us, to chase images we would not chase in life, to keep our children and the objects of our lust so separate in our minds that connection is hidden even from ourselves.

That doesn't necessarily make us easier to forgive or to stay with.  It may also make us even more broken, even more confused, even more incomprehensible.  But my experience is that every time one says of an addict, "He must be thinking ABC because he does XYZ," one is more than likely wrong.  Our actions don't make that much sense, even to us.

Don't know if that's relevant or not, but it's all I've got.

Tim

If I may add to this. Jesus said "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

I wouldn't say there is a worse. I'd say they are both equally bad.

Thank you, Mike.  Every bit of perspective helps.  I don't know why this is bothering me so right now.  Perhaps the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me something.

I appreciate your input.

My best,  DW

"Do you feel heard?"  I think you just hit the nail on the head.  NO.  I do not think either of my counselors "got it."  The one we're seeing now is clueless.  Last time we saw her, I asked my husband if he was getting anything out of the sessions.  He didn't think so, but wanted to continue until we found someone better.  I note with no small measure of disgust that he has done NOTHING to make that happen.  I'm not going to fix this for him.

The women in my SA group get it, but many of them truly are co-dependent and are content to wallow in it.  And I haven't been back there in ages.  I want help and solid suggestions for dealing with this and healing. 

I think you are correct........there is a spiritual battle going on here.  I do not feel as though I've been heard.  I do feel all alone.

My best,  DW 

With regard to your question about the fetish being more damaging to you than if your husband had sought out a real encounter, I can't offer any relevant insights.

I think Dr. Manning explains why porn is so damaging to a woman in this video. She suggests that porn is more damaging than an actual affair. Please see "The Impact of Pornography on Women" here:

www.socialcostsofpornography.com/videos.php#