Do you have close friends you can share with?

That was definitely the case with me.  I was very much ashamed of my behavior and of myself, and I hid very well for many years.

I had tried to be open with my wife, but that would last briefly and then I would start acting out again and cease being honest.  My parish priest knew my situation, both from hearing my confessions and from conversations outside that context, but much of his advice to me was the advice of a non-addict which made rational sense, but which I couldn't put into practice.  So I was pretty completely isolated.

I guess what got me out of that was finally accepting that what I was doing wasn't working, and simultaneously becoming convinced that through working the 12-step program and through professional counseling, other people really were getting sober and finding new lives of joy.  I wanted what they had - they seemed to offer dizzying hope - and so I figured I'd better start doing what they did.

That meant going to meetings.  I started out going to online chat meetings, but also I looked up local meetings, made phone calls, and then started attending.  So already at this point I had a bunch of people I could talk with about my situation - people who really understood both what it was like and how to recover.

It also meant getting counseling.  I started by seeing an old friend who works with students where I teach, but who was willing to give me one session to get started.  She was wonderful in her support and acceptance, and she got me started calling other therapists and getting ready to meet with them.

Paying for those sessions meant getting honest with my wife.  This was really daunting, and it took me a lot of reading (Corley and Schneider's Disclosing Secrets, for instance), a lot of writing and rewriting a letter I eventually read to her in order to start my disclosure, and a lot of pushing by my sponsor to get me moving.

After that, disclosure has been easier.  I'm still pretty discrete about who knows - counselors and doctors I or family members have worked with, my mother, my sisters, my older kids, half a dozen close friends.  Some of those disclosures have been motivated by the desire to build closer and deeper relationships with people.  In a couple of cases, part of the motivation to disclose was because friends had family members who were struggling  with other addictions, and I wanted to support them by sharing what I knew about addiction.  In the case of my kids, the motivation is keeping them safe.  They need to know their family history, both of dysfunction and of new life.

Learning to look honestly at myself has given me freedom to relate emotionally to other people as well, opening some doors to deepen what had previously been cordial but superficial friendships.  That's a huge blessing of recovery,

That's the outer timetable, but the inner drive was just what probably moves anybody to undertake major change.  The pain of staying as I was became unendurable.  I was thinking about suicide.  Trusting others was hard, but I figured if the experience was too bad, I could always kill myself later, having lost nothing.  I also saw real hope and joy in people who were recovering.  Those folks told me the program was one of rigorous honesty.  That was sure something I hadn't tried.  So I gave it a whirl, knowing that what I was doing had utterly failed and that there was nothing to lose.  Of course, it was definitely easier to start with fellow addicts in a setting in which such honesty was part of the way everyone lived.

I don't know how useful that all is.  Nothing in my story is at all unusual.  But there it is for what it's worth.

Tim M.

It's been about 8 months since I discovered my husband was a sex addict.  Hardly anyone knows.  We do have a couple we are close with and they are aware of all that's been going on.  They have been very supportive.  They, however, have been going through a similar experience for many years.  Sex wasn't the "drug of choice" in their marriage, but there was an addiction that resulted from childhood trauma.

Aside from this couple, the only other people aware are therapists and doctors.  Our families haven't a clue and neither do our children.  As far as anyone is concerned, my husband and I are having difficulties and in an effort to give each of us "space", he no longer lives in our home.

There are so many misconceptions and fears regarding sex addiction.  (There's always a sneer, jeer and comment when Tiger Wood's name comes up in conversation!)  I don't believe our extended family members will take the time to educate themselves about the situation.

Over the years, my husband often displayed an air of elitism and pompousness to mask his low self-esteem.  That hasn't garnered him any "man of the year" awards!  Disclosure of the sex addiction problem won't add any votes to his tally!

It's been very difficult for me not having any one to talk to.  That's why I'm so very grateful for this forum.  Still, it would be nice to be able to sit down with someone over a cup of coffee just to get things off my chest.  There are good days and there are bad days.  When the bad days come, I just try to get through them knowing that a good day is not far away.

AllAlone