Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2010 17:37:30 GMT -7
Hi, I'm new to the group and wanted to introduce myself. I'm a guy in my early 30s and I'm finally ready to admit that I'm addicted to masturbation, sexual fantasies, and pornography. I'm sorry if this post is a little long but I just wanted to get my story out in the open, I've been keeping it bottled up for so long.
I guess like most guys I started out around puberty, mainly looking at magazines or fantasizing about girls I knew. I was always quiet and socially awkward, so masturbation was a substitute for the intimacy that I wanted but didn't have in real life. Unfortunately as I look back I can see how over time it only made it harder for me to form relationships, as I became dependent on that "quick fix" and more and more wrapped up in the fantasies in my head, which real life could never live up to.
Of course like most addicts I was never satisfied and continued to create more elaborate fantasies, get into different fetishes, and in my case I even began fantasizing about males as well as females. There were times when I would go on binges and spend whole weekends looking at pictures, doing cybersex by IM and chat rooms, and masturbating.
I had always had periods of depression but around the time I turned 30, I really started to spiral down as I saw where my life was going. I couldn't keep pretending that maybe I would "grow out of it" anymore. I was a full grown man and I was alone, didn't see much hope of ever having a relationship, was walking around constantly filled with shame and regret, and my life didn't seem to have much purpose. I was deep in depression and also started drinking heavily to try to numb my feelings.
Finally after a night when I drove drunk home from a bar, then blacked out but realized after I woke up that I got sick in my own bed, I was so disgusted with myself that I decided I would have to change my life or I just couldn't go on. That started a journey that eventually led me here. I stopped the drinking. I started getting back in touch with God and the faith I grew up with (Catholicism). I asked Him for forgiveness and asked Him to come into my life again and help me with this.
I also realized that I can't do it alone, I need help and I need to start talking about things and getting them out in the open. There are so many issues I didn't deal with all those years when I was chasing after the "quick fix." Although I've made the intellectual decision to change, I still give in to those temptations and feelings, they're still so strong. There are times when I'll go for a few days, maybe a week or two, thinking that I don't "need" to masturbate anymore, but then slowly the feelings will build up until I give in, and then I'll be back to the old shame and feeling bad about myself.
I'm hoping in this community I can share my feelings and experiences with people who understand and start finding a way to really heal this addiction.
Thanks to anyone who read all of that. :-) And God Bless.
I guess like most guys I started out around puberty, mainly looking at magazines or fantasizing about girls I knew. I was always quiet and socially awkward, so masturbation was a substitute for the intimacy that I wanted but didn't have in real life. Unfortunately as I look back I can see how over time it only made it harder for me to form relationships, as I became dependent on that "quick fix" and more and more wrapped up in the fantasies in my head, which real life could never live up to.
Of course like most addicts I was never satisfied and continued to create more elaborate fantasies, get into different fetishes, and in my case I even began fantasizing about males as well as females. There were times when I would go on binges and spend whole weekends looking at pictures, doing cybersex by IM and chat rooms, and masturbating.
I had always had periods of depression but around the time I turned 30, I really started to spiral down as I saw where my life was going. I couldn't keep pretending that maybe I would "grow out of it" anymore. I was a full grown man and I was alone, didn't see much hope of ever having a relationship, was walking around constantly filled with shame and regret, and my life didn't seem to have much purpose. I was deep in depression and also started drinking heavily to try to numb my feelings.
Finally after a night when I drove drunk home from a bar, then blacked out but realized after I woke up that I got sick in my own bed, I was so disgusted with myself that I decided I would have to change my life or I just couldn't go on. That started a journey that eventually led me here. I stopped the drinking. I started getting back in touch with God and the faith I grew up with (Catholicism). I asked Him for forgiveness and asked Him to come into my life again and help me with this.
I also realized that I can't do it alone, I need help and I need to start talking about things and getting them out in the open. There are so many issues I didn't deal with all those years when I was chasing after the "quick fix." Although I've made the intellectual decision to change, I still give in to those temptations and feelings, they're still so strong. There are times when I'll go for a few days, maybe a week or two, thinking that I don't "need" to masturbate anymore, but then slowly the feelings will build up until I give in, and then I'll be back to the old shame and feeling bad about myself.
I'm hoping in this community I can share my feelings and experiences with people who understand and start finding a way to really heal this addiction.
Thanks to anyone who read all of that. :-) And God Bless.