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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2010 22:48:33 GMT -7
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, so if it isn't, I would appreciate this thread being moved.
Anyway, here I am. I want porn because I was just banned from my refuge. My mother in law has been living with me for 8 months, isolating me to a room that isn't even mine. I feel abandoned when my fiance spends time with her mother instead of me, because I have no friends and my family dumped me a few years back. I was doing fine, and now I feel like my therapist just slapped me across the face. I feel out of control and over emotional.
I suffered sexual abuse as a child. My mother tore me apart psychologically. The church rejected me for asking questions. My future mother in law, who I accepted with open arms, openly condemns my relationship with her daughter.
The only good thing about my life is my fiance. I love her. Unfortunately, due to my mother stealing 7000 dollars from me, we can't afford to get married. We literally have no money. I have to deal with all the hard parts of being married without being able to make love to the woman of my dreams.
I hate my family. I hate my fiance's family. I hate not having any friends or any source of help. I was also told I'm abusive. I told my fiance about this, and she actually laughed. I am not abusive in any way. I give my fiance massages almost every night and cuddle with her until she falls asleep.
I'm reading the Bible daily and I feel that I may be close to being out of my current life. A job has opened up, and I'm in the final stage of the employment process. If I get the job, I move and I leave everything. My fiance will be coming with me soon after. If it works out, I leave my god forsaken family behind and start a new life.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2010 7:35:30 GMT -7
Hi Dkirkc,
The accountability forum is a great place to share your struggles, and I am sorry that so many are assailing you at this time. I did do some editing on your post, because what happens on other sites, needs to stay on other sites, and if there is a cross-over in membership, and a conflict, then my admonition is to avoid reading/responding to one another's posts.
I tend to be forthright with my comments, so if you would prefer to journal as self-expression, not for feedback, just let me know, and I will not comment further.
The only one who has control over your recovery is you. Yes, circumstances may be distressing, but it is still your choice as to how you respond to them. No one and nothing forces you to act out against your free will.
I'm not clear on who held the lease/mortgage where you were recently staying (and I don't need to know.) If it was you, then I don't see how your fiance's mom had any say about isolating you or making you leave. If it was your fiance, then it sounds like she has difficulty setting healthy boundaries with her mom.
From what you have said, it sounds like your outreach in recovery is all online, which is a good start, but connecting with local resources for recovery could help both with recovery, as well as making friends. Joining a men's group at a local church would also afford you the opportunity to develop friendships with brothers in Christ. It is clear that you treasure your fiance, but, speaking as someone who has been married for 27 years, it is important for each of you to have good friendships with your same gender, outside of your marriage. Yes, you should be best friends, but not only friends. As tough as it is to reach out and risk rejection, it is vital to your well-being. Please do not be discouraged if it takes time--the first person you meet is not necessarily going to be that lifelong buddy. Expecting your fiance to fill all of your needs for friendship and social interaction places a heavy burden on her shoulders, and isolates her from friends and family. It may take some time to strike the right balance of time together and time with others, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Just because "a" church rejected you for asking questions, does not mean that "the" church has done so. No believer portrays Christ perfectly all of the time, and it is important to always keep your focus on God and His Word, not how any of His flawed followers struggle to live it out.
If you have miraculously managed to maintain a pure relationship with your fiance under the same roof, I congratulate you, but caution that that is playing with fire. Only God's opinion of your relationship matters. Please do not waste time trying to win the approval of someone who is predisposed against you. It is only God's approval that you need, and that approval is in faith in the atoning sacrifice of Jesus, and yielding to Him as Lord of your life.
I hope you will pardon my picking apart words, but it doesn't take much money to get legally married. What I think you mean is that you cannot afford to have the wedding you desire. So what is really important here--being married to the woman you love, with whom you want nothing more than to spend the rest
of your life, or putting on a nice show/party for your friends? You can always have a special celebration with friends later, say for an anniversary down the road.
In my experience, hate expends a lot of my emotional energy, tears me up on the inside, hinders my relationship with God, and in no way affects the people who are the object of it. What has happened in your life has happened, (and it is probably wise, when you can afford to do so or find counseling at a sliding scale to make use of it, considering the pain you have experienced,) but only you can decide whether you are going to keep that millstone around your neck and carry it in to your and your fiance's future, or whether you are going to choose the freedom of living apart from it.
I'm glad to hear that you are feeding on God's Word, because it truly is living and active, changing us in ways we would never expect. If you are not already reading there, I suggest at least a Psalm a day. David endured much hardship, and most of us can certainly identify with him.
I hope the job works out, but remember, your new life is in Christ, not any temporary part of this earthly life.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2010 15:27:06 GMT -7
I don't mind comments and suggestions at all. I enjoy them because I know people are reading and if I slip, someone will know. I don't even mind bluntness, but saying I'm abusive is jumping to conclusions in a lot of areas just based on the little I say in each post.
I'm not blaming anyone for any mess ups I may have. I control my actions. I haven't watched porn in probably two months. The conditions are just making it a lot harder for me to resist.
My fiances mother is a control freak. She is also stupid. She doesn't realize that the only reason she is with us is because I said okay to her moving up. She says I'm too young and I won't be successful, yet I will be making more than her if this job pulls through. I also already have a 2-year degree and I'm planning on going back to college as soon as I get settled in the new area. I am three years younger than my fiance, but we are on the same level of life. Three years is nothing, so I don't know why she's complaining.
She hasn't kicked me out or anything. She just makes it hard on me. I can't speak spanish, and she knows that, so she speaks spanish when I'm within earshot. She throws away things of mine in the fridge. She won't allow me to sit on the furniture (because it belongs to her and I'm "dirty"). She just does little things back to back and it's been 8 months. I'm losing myself to hate because of it. I would do anything to rid myself of her, and my thoughts are crossing lines. She just does whatever she wants no matter who says what. "Boundaries" are not for her, only for others.
I've been insulted in many churches, so why would I try support groups? I understand everyone makes mistakes, but calling me out in front of everyone and insulting me is not a small mistake. This has happened twice.
I have tried for years to get a friend. They only stay until they've gotten what they need from me. It has always been that way. I smile at people and look them in the eye and I'm kind, but people take advantage of me. Even my own family did nothing but use me and steal from me and I'm too stupid to see what they are after.
I reach out all time and I get rejected all the time. It isn't even worth it anymore. My fiance is the same way. Neither of us have any friends and we never have. Her family, other than her mother, are not an issue anymore. They didn't even notice she moved to a different state. Now that I think about it, her mother rarely even talks to her. My fiance will be disowned by her mother once we say "I do." The first thing she said when my fiance told her that she accepted my proposal was "How could you do this to me?" And then she, after trying to ruin the day for my fiance and me, she hung up and didn't talk to my fiance for a week. Lovely family we have, right?
You're right. God's opinion is the only one that matters.
I want my fiance to set the wedding the way she likes. I would rather wait a while on having a piece of paper saying we're married, than to have her wish for the rest of her life that she had done something differently.Also, we have no friends. My grandparents will probably be the only ones invited anyway. That being said, it is killing me that we aren't married yet. We've been engaged since Christmas 08, and I've been ready to get married since Christmas 08. If I would have pushed her we could have gotten married already. Or if my mother hadn't stolen all the money I was saving to get married. My grandparents would happily pay for all of it, but I won't let them. My parents take money from them all the time, and I won't be like them. I won't use them like they do. I want to be married so badly that it is killing me, but I won't rush my fiance.
You're right. Me hating the mother does nothing to her.I just can't stop when I get no relief from her anywhere. She is always in the next room over.
I'm reading through the New Testament right now. I'm enjoying it so far. It is interesting to realize the beliefs that have been forced down my throat are not biblical, though. Interesting, interesting.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2010 15:53:28 GMT -7
Hi Dkirkc,
So if your fiance's mother moved in with the two of you, why can't you require her to leave again and take her "clean" furniture with her?
Would you have a strong enough case to sue your parents for the money?
Have you ever tried www.celebraterecovery.com
Two churches are still not all churches. In any church there will be people you are drwn to and people you are not, but the value of fellowship is supported throughout the New Testament.
Hopefully your experiences of having felt used have led you to alter your boundaries. Friendship is always worth seeking, but as the old saying goes, "good fences make good neighbors." The same is true of boundaries and friendship.
Most of the Psalms are quite short, but any reading is good.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2010 16:48:12 GMT -7
We moved into a new apartment after she moved in, and her name is on the lease of the new apartment. Mine is not because I have no credit.
My mother said she would handle the financial part of my college (I was stupid for letting her) and I had scholarships. Enough to pay for each quarter, and some left over. I got a low grade on a class less than half way through my time there, and my mother told me that because I got a low grade, I lost all that money and I would have to pay out of pocket. I started to pay out of pocket, and I finished up my school, using all the money I made at my minimum wage job that I had been saving for whatever I may have needed after college (marriage). My fiance lived with my family, and there was an argument over something really stupid. My mother said she wanted my fiance out, and I said if she had to leave, I would be going too. She stood by her decision and I started packing up my things. I was checking my college stuff online, and I decided to look at the financial aid part of the site, which told me I had been given 6999 dollars in my time at college. I checked the dates, and I had received the financial aid for my whole time at that college. My mother told me the day I was leaving for the last time that she used my financial aid to "benefit the family," something I had figured out on my own. As if me giving her cash whenever she asked wasn't enough. I gave her whatever she asked for, and in return she took advantage of me. I can't believe she would ask me to help her with the bills when she was already stealing behind my back.
Sure, it was stupid for me to allow her to handle my finances, but who doesn't trust their own mother?
The worst thing about this is it isn't even in the top 5 list of bad things she's done to me. She used to tell me all men raped women and molested children. Imagine going through puberty, when you already feel weird and hearing your mother say that's what all men do. My dad never said a word.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2010 2:25:40 GMT -7
Hi Dkirkc,
Never mind suing her personally, how about reporting her for fraud, embezzlement, etc. A lawyer/prosecutor would know what to do. There has to be a paper trail on all that.
I am sad that your parents were such poor examples for you. I can only imagine the pain in their pasts that influenced that, though nothing excuses it.
There is a great book by Nancy Lee DeMoss called Lies Women Believe, and the Truth that Sets Them Free. It would have been better titled Lies People Believe Aabout God and Themselves, and the Truth that Sets Them Free, because very little of it is specific to women, and the current title might keep men from reading and benefitting from it. It sounds like your fiance might benefit from it, too, though, and you could give it to her and read it when no one else is around. :-)
Continuing to pray for the healing of your heart,
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2010 9:36:39 GMT -7
That may be a possibility. I'm not sure if I could ever do it though. My mother is very sick, and me putting stress on her would make it worse. I know she doesn't care about whether I'm stressed or not, and I know she would still be stealing from me if she could, but I still don't wish anything bad on her. I probably should though. I would be married right now if it weren't for her. I'd be a lot happier.
My grandmother says I'm killing her. That if she dies it will be my fault for stressing her out and hurting her feelings. She also says I'm a bad brother because I never call my sister. My sister is manipulative and is the reason for me being kicked out. She hates me. She's getting low grades? Why should I care? She doesn't get low grades because she's "struggling," as my grandmother says, she just doesn't care about school. My parents never would have let that slide with me. I always got A's and B's because I worked HARD for those grades.
I really don't care about my family. My dad's parents are the only ones that have ever been supportive of me. They also see through all the hypocrisy and bull my mother spreads.
I will look into that book. Thanks for the suggestion.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2010 15:12:06 GMT -7
My fiance came home very excited. She had worked out a way to get married in October and have the wedding she wants. She had a list of people to invite and we were very happy that we had found out how to work it out. We looked through the list of names, and wrote beside this "coming", "maybe", or "probably not." I'd say there were 50 people on the list, and after we looked through all of them, only two people had "coming" beside their names. Fourteen had "maybe," and ten of those were her co workers. The look on her face when we added the people that would definately come to our wedding would have made any man cry.
We aren't going to get married at that place anymore, and those two people are going to be the only ones invited to our "wedding" at the courthouse or whereever we have it. She is in the shower now, but she had to weep for 30 minutes before settling down. Only my grandparents on my fathers side support this relationship. Everyone else condemns it openly. I guess she won't get the dream wedding she wants. I really hate this feeling.
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