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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2010 7:36:07 GMT -7
DH and I have been having a rough couple of days which seems to be coming to a head today, I have Safe Eyes installed on our computer and I get usage reports everyday. I read the usage report for today as I always do except that there was a small portion of a email he sent to his sponsor about something I said yesterday putting him in a bad place, I emailed him to ask what it was I said and apologized for whatever it was I did or said to put him in a bad place. He responded telling me it is sad that I would read what he wrote even though his relationship with his sponsor and what he says to him is supposed to be safe.
I again apologized and tried to explain that I meant no harm and that I read the report as I always do, my mistake was that I kept reading even though it was a portion of a email to his sponsor, maybe because I was wondering what exactly it was that I said or did to make him feel like he went to a bad place, I meant no harm and I do understand the safeness in a sponsor sponsee relationship and again I apologized because I did feel awful that I read it without thinking anything of it but he basically said it didnt matter. I feel like crap, less than crap actually and I feel like why, why cant we seem to get out of this hole?, sometimes it seems like satan is winning and I end up feeling like a punching bag just being knocked down from all sides.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2010 23:54:32 GMT -7
This is an attempt to place blame on you. Swing and a miss. DO NOT ALLOW IT. He has betrayed you and must do everything possible to regain your trust. That includes talking with you about what his triggers are, and what "put's him in a bad place." Stop apologizing. Tell him to man up. You are not a mind reader, nor should you be expected to instinctively know what "put's him in a bad place." He needs to open up and communicate with you. You do not need to apologize to him.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2010 3:34:48 GMT -7
Funny you say that because we were talking last night about a Retrouvaille retreat I have been wanting to try since like 2006 but have never been able to and it hit me...how come I'm the only one that posts questions on these forums for help relationship wise and personal feelings-wise, how come I'm the only one who researched and got all of the information for us to try a RCA couples meeting, how come I am the only one who researches stuff on couples faith-based retreats that might be able to help me, how come I'm the only one that looks up what specialty a psychologist must have to be abel to understand fully and treat sex addiction and coaddiction, how come I'm the one who looks up movie ratings when we want to watch something...WTH? 
I've been enabling him for so long because I am afraid of the choices I will have to make when I don't see the progress or "high expectations" (as he likes to say) of what it would take to rebuild trust and rebuild this marriage aside from our own personal recoveries. I feel like wow, if I don't make a effort on any of the above he sure doesn't so what happens then?, separation, divorce, etc?. He says I have these expectations of him and he falls short of them and that nothing he says or does makes me happy.
And the funny thing is as he was talking yesterday he's naming all of these things that he doesnt do like ok maybe I haven't checked on counselors and therapy, maybe I haven't checked on meetings that we could both benefit from, maybe I don't make a effort to check movie rating, maybe I don't... and it's just like wow, I'm a idiot!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2010 3:40:08 GMT -7
Dear Lonely1,
You are not an idiot. You've simply been conditioned over a long period of time to "LIVE YOUR LIFE AROUND HIS." That's the way I describe what I've been doing for the first 23 years of my marriage. I didn't see it clearly then, but I see it clearly now.....that's why I can see it in others. I've been there, done that, lived it........not doing it anymore.
Make him meet you halfway.......at least.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2010 8:30:11 GMT -7
Thank you DW, I appreciate the kind words you and the others provide in this forum...they are comforting to the soul when everything seems so messy and you think you're all alone in this and then realize that there are many of us going through this yet here we all are trying our best to comfort each other still.
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