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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2010 14:41:55 GMT -7
New to the site. Where do I even begin? Trying to save my marriage--bottom line. For my sake and the sake of my son. Husband is back viewing porn on the net again. Caught him in the act so he could not deny it. Wonder why I am staying when this makes me so angry. Feel like he has abandoned me and is setting a terrible example for our child.
As for some details, married almost 6 years. This is the third major fight about this issue. He started this when I was pregnant (and he wouldn't touch me during the pregnancy).
Feel like I am the absolute point of giving up. He doesn't seem to care and acts like everything is normal---while me, on the other hand, I am heartbroken, I feel lied to/deceived, and wonder what to do next.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2010 1:44:29 GMT -7
Dear NCLady,
Welcome. I'm sorry you find it necessary to be here. You feel as if you've been lied to and deceived.....because you have been. Please do not doubt yourself, your sanity or accept any portion of the blame for his addiction. You have every right to feel heartbroken because you have been abandoned emotionally and perhaps physically. Your feelings are perfectly normal.
I wish I would have been so fortunate as to find out or to know about my husband's porn addiction at the six year mark in my marriage. I found out after 23 years of marriage, two series of marriage counseling, being sneered at and made to feel as if I wasn't measuring up on a daily basis. My husband was never emotionally available. He never interacted with the kids at their level. He never assumed his rightful place as the spiritual head of the home or the head of the home period. He took no interest in our finances. I had to manage it all and as the years progressed, he became increasingly withdrawn and unavailable.
If your husband will not acknowledge that he is addicted to pornography and will not seek treatment, PLEASE LEAVE NOW, FOR YOUR SAKE AND THE SAKE OF YOUR SON. The symptoms that you are seeing now will only get worse over time, not better. This is a progressive disease and you really must draw a line in the sand. Even though there was a little voice in my head screaming at me throughout the years to "LEAVE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE," I didn't. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I didn't know what. I dragged him to two series of marriage counseling complaining of his unavailability and neither therapist put it together absolutely. I stayed in the marriage on the mistaken belief that kids were better off being raised in an intact home if there was no open fighting. I now believe I was wrong. My kids never saw a loving marital relationship. Their dad never interacted with them as anything more than a glorified babysitter. I think that there has been un-tolled emotional damage inflicted on them as a result of their dad's unavailability. Please do not inflict that on yourself or your son. You both deserve so much more.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2010 14:53:58 GMT -7
Hi NCLady,
I, too, am sorry that you need to be here.
If your husband professes to be a believer, then he is inconflict with his faith, and should know that Jesus equated lust and adultery. Even if he is not, the fact that it is harmful to you and your marriage should make it important to him if he truly loves you.
It won't prevent him from accessing porn elsewhere, but you can install filtering software for which only you have the password. That would keep it at bay in your home were your son might stumble upon it.
Sadly, if he will not get help, it is not a good situation in which to stay.
If he told you that he started viewing porn for the first time while you were pregnant, he is almost certainly lying, though you may have just not considered that he had done so before you knew him. Almost all addicts began viewing it in their teens--some even younger. Most have problematic familial relationships, and some have physical or sexual abuse in their past. If the roots are not exorcised, the tree will grow back.
Praying for you... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2010 11:27:10 GMT -7
I just wish I could get him to admit he has a problem. When I addressed it with him the first time, while pregnant with my son, he denied it over and over again. There was, however, no denying the temporary internet files and "sites visited" on our computer.
I feel totally lost and don't know what to do. We are at the point where I will barely speak to him. I told him that he has a choice--give it up or give up his family because I won't tolerate my son being raised in a household with that garbage. I won't let him touch me or kiss me because he might as well have been kissing or having sex with someone else. It feels the same to me, but he just doesn't get it.
I have prayed for answers. I hope that by at least talking to someone and reaching out, I can find a way to save our marriage. I sometimes feel that I am only holding on to the marriage for my son's sake (because I was in a single parent home), but is it wrong to want a family that stays together? At the same time, I don't want to be married and miserable.
My first husband passed away after we had only been married for two years, and it was so hard for me to let go and move on. I went through a failed marriage (due to alcohol use and cheating by my spouse). I thought when I got married this time that it would be forever. We both wanted a family, and we just seemed to compliment each other.
I feel like I am living a lie by staying with him, and I keep blaming myself over and over again. I just cannot figure out what makes him resort to this stuff. I feel like he just does not desire me anymore and that I am not what he wants anymore. I'm 35 and he's 40. No, I am not the 20 year old slut that he can watch on the internet, but I thought married couples were supposed to love each other for who they are, and for always.
My husband was never raised in a church-going family, and perhaps that is what he needs to help him understand his actions. I am not sure. No, I know that I am not perfect either--have even told him that. Although my mother raised me with a strict upbringing and knowing "right vs. wrong" (and sin vs. right thing to do), I never attended church either. I still have strong beliefs and faith, though. I hope that my prayers will be heard and that my faith can guide me through this.
Thank you for "listening" and replying. At least I can get some relief in knowing that I am not the only one going through this or the only one searching for the right answers.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2010 16:26:24 GMT -7
DEAR, dear NCLady, Please know in your heart of hearts that you did not cause this addiction, you cannot cure it and you sure cannot control it. Please, Please, Please.......DO NOT accept any portion of the blame for his addiction........no matter what he says. If you have not already done so, please read Mike Genung's writings on this subject, here: www.blazinggrace.org/cms/bg/healingforwivesIt's not your fault......and you should never allow your husband to devalue you........and never, but never compare yourself in any way shape or form to the nip-tucked floozies who appear in the porn. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, HE IS. You could be an 18 year old babe who gave him all the sex he could ever want and it still would not solve HIS PROBLEM with sexual addiction. This isn't about you, who you are, what you look like, or what you will or will not do in the bedroom. This addiction is, as all addictions are, about trying to medicate his hurting heart. If he will not acknowledge this as an addiction and if he will not seek treatment, then I really think you AND YOUR SON are better off without him that with him. I wish I could adequately convey the hell that I lived for 23 years while my husband used porn and masturbated on a regular basis. The sneering, the lack of engagement, the lack of emotional intimacy, the neglect, the failure to plan for our future, the failures----multiple failures----to take business risks or to start businesses that would secure our future......I cannot begin to tell you how he failed as a husband and a father. Please, please, please do not subject yourself to this and more importantly, do not subject your son to this. I wish I had words to convey the disappointment, the despair, the despondence, the depression, the feeling that I have wasted 23 years of my life.........so that you would be convinced to leave him. Staying in the marriage simply to provide your son with an "intact home" is no reason to stay in the marriage. The damage that sexual addiction can do is insidious.......and the only way to avoid it is to leave him. I will be praying for you.........and asking the Lord to show you the way........living with a sex addict is no life at all. My best, DW
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