Therapists are sometimes clueless

This is so true!!...I've actually beat myself up at points the last few months because my DH has told me that he doesn't feel like we have a marriage and that we're more like roommates than anything else since there was no physical aspects of our relationship going on. He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he feels as if I don't love him because I don't show signs of physical affection like kissing and hugging, etc a whole lot. I tried explaining that there are points where I honestly don't necessarily feel the physical stuff because there are days I guess I go through flashbacks and the anger returns.

We haven't tried couples therapy since our pastor at our old city dismised us in January (although I feel we could use some marriage counseling at this point my hubby is taking a break from therapy). We have gone througha  few individual therapists the past few months and sometimes it does seem they are crazier than we are! (lol).

I was fortunate enough to find a christian therapist a few weeks ago who also happens to be the spouse of a recovered sex addict and I feel very comfortable but I don't know if we can continue to afford going to therapy at this point

I pray the Lord will guide us all to where he wants us to all be, especially us spouses as only another person going through this truly understands our pain. God Bless ladies and thank you for posting

Dear Rachel,

You are so right about the loveless marriage. 

Today marks the one year anniversary of my discovery that my husband is a porn addict.

He also conveniently left on a business trip today.  When discussing how he could best support me while he was away, I said:  "I want a daily conversation."  He then proceeded to ask if that was an e-mail or a phone call.

I give up. 

It's been a year, we've spent thousands on therapy, and today he asks if I want a daily phone call or a daily e-mail.

I can't decide who is the bigger idiot here.........him........or me for trying to make this work.  I am vindicated.  Men are scum, women are stupid.  I count myself among the stupid.

My best,  DW

I think that for me it has been a combination of therapy and 12-step, both of which God is a part of.

Early on, it was clear that 12-step and the resulting reliance on God lay at the center of my recovery.  More recently, I think much of my going deeper has happened as a result of counseling.  How applicable that is to anyone else, though, I don't know.

It's certainly true that finding the right counselor - someone who understands the problem and with whom one connects personally - can be hard.  I've been blessed to find someone who understands and accepts sexual addiction and for whom the solution must be spiritual.  In that sense, we have been on the same intellectual wavelength from the beginning, though it has taken a while to develop emotional connection.  I've also had some significant rough times trying to find a path that incorporates both surrender to a Christian God and some spiritual practices and points of view I've met in counseling and elsewhere that are not at their foundation Christian.  But that's a big subject, and probably not one best carried out on a Christian board.

I don't know how much that answers your question.  Let me know if you'd like me to make another run at it.

Tim M.

Dear Lonely1,

In terms of my own "recovery" or coming to grips with what has been going on in my marriage without my knowledge or consent, I would have to say this site, my dear friends in whom I've confided and the books I've read have been instrumental in my "recovery."  Of course, God is and was a part of all of that, but there were times when I definately felt He was absent in my life. 

I recently had a screaming session wherein I screamed at my husband.......if I thought it, I screamed it.  The venom came out.  The screaming session was precipitated by his unbelievable thoughtlessness, but the resulting screaming session was cathartic.  I needed it.  I had to let the venom out and let him know in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate being last on his list of priorities.  I plainly told him I'd reached the point where I believe I am better off without him than with him.  I've also realized that I cannot make him love me the way I need to be loved.  And I do not think I'm overly needy.  I'm a normal woman who needs emotional intimacy with her husband.  After 24 years of marriage, three separate sets of marriage counseling, he still doesn't understand that.  If he does not understand that at this point, he never will.  I doubt very much that he will ever be the husband I deserve or the husband God intended and wanted him to be.

Now that I've let the venom out,  I have a renewed sense of peace and I've been able, truly able to thank God for the blessings and mercies He has shown me throughout this ordeal.  This is something I've not truly felt for a long time.  The bile that was building up within me seems to have been blocking my connection to God.  It's renewed, and it happened when I let the bile and venom spew forth..........four letter words and all.

As to therapists, for me, I can't say I've gotten much out of the sessions.  My first therapist automatically assumed that I was co-dependent because I found myself married to a sex addict.  He subscribed to the "heat seeking missile theory" that says sex addicts and co-dependents are drawn to each other like two heat seeking missiles.  He quickly learned I did not fit into his cute little co-dependent compartments.  He didn't know what to do with me, so he pronounced us "cured" and dismissed us from therapy.

The counselor we are now seeing is a Christian counselor who specializes in addictions.   She helps us to set clear, defininite goals, but as far as treatment or helping me deal with and process my emotions, thoughts, anger, etc.......I don't think she's been much help.  You really need to talk with someone who has walked the path.  I get the sense she has not.  I praise God that she has not, but she lacks the perspective of a wife who has been betrayed from day one of a 24 year long marriage and that lack of perspective is evident in every session.  As far as his treatment is concerned, I think she's been good at that.  She told him to enroll in SA and get an accountability partner.  And I think that has been instrumental in his recovery.  I'm not sure she's been very good at getting to the source of his sexual addiction, or helping him deal with the pain of his childhood or whatever caused this, but she is good at setting goals and she did tell him to go to SA.  ISo, maybe I should continue to attend the sessions without any expectation that I will get something from them....attend simply for him.....try to force him to engage in self-examination with brutal honesty.

I've tried to post books that I've found particularly helpful in the "Resources" section of this site.  Off the top of my head:  "An affair of the Mind,"  "Every woman's desire," "Your sexually addicted spouse," "The addictive personality,"  "Your Husband's Secret Wars."  I'm sure there are others.........I think I've read a library on this subject and coming to understand the psychological, spiritual, neurochemical and behavioral aspects of this addiction has helped me to process.  I think this is a coping mechanism the psycho-babble specialists call "intellectualization."  It helped me dissociate from the situation and try to understand it from a clinical perspective.  If this is not your coping style, it may provide less relief to you, but I would still recommend reading all that you can.  I think it's safe to say that I learned something from every book I read.  I bought the books........and they were a heck of a lot cheaper than individual therapy, but they helped me much more than the therapy.

I hope that helps.........

My best,  DW

Thank you for the link.  I did find the explaination helpful.  The hook into the limbic system explains why this addiction is so difficult to overcome.   I think my husband and I will be ordering some of your materials.  Thank you again for the link.

You are welcome.

We have a free weekly boost which is helpful not just to an addict but to a spouse as well. You can sign up on our sit.

We also have our blog and podcasts that we do, which is for spouses, addicts and those seeking understanding. helpforpornaddicts.com/

Again, best wishes.