Any advice on overcoming denial?

Dear Getting the Denial,

First, I'll be praying for you as you confront your husband.  He can't deny that he's using, as the proof will be in your hands (smashed proof?).  As to whether it is an addiction, I think that if he tries to blame you, that is proof positive that it is an addiction.  I would turn anything he says, or his attempts to blame you or deny that he's using, around on him with specificity.  Saying something like:  "It's MY fault that you watch ..............(insert specific porn fetish here)?"   I said something like:  "You are blaming me for the fact there are girls our daughter's age, tied up with rope, professing to "want it" on your computer?  Even through the stupor of addiction he realized that wasn't going to fly.  Once I made it clear to my husband that I was not going to accept any blame for his porn addiction, he admitted the addiction fairly quickly, however his attempts to blame me continued, albeit indirectly and covertly rather than directly.  Don't accept any blame.  None. 

With respect to the denial of the addiction, perhaps these would help:  "You deny that you are addicted, yet you buy the smut, knowing that it hurts me and our relationship?"  You deny that you are addicted, yet you buy this filth and hide it from me?"  "You deny that you are addicted, yet you buy this filth, watch this filth in violation of your marriage vows?"  "You deny that you are addicted, yet you buy this filth, watch this filth, thereby endangering your marriage, our children, and everything else you claim to hold dear?"  Try to set up "cognitive dissonance"---create or show him the inconsistency of his words and deeds. 

Tell him he will enter therapy, he will enter a 12-step program, he will agree to remove all porn from the house, he will agree to the installation of monitoring software, he will agree to get an accountability partner, or he can feel free to move out.  Hand him the apartment rental section of the paper and give him a week to get out.  I assume you've already taken control of all the assets you can get your hands on.  If not, you may want to re-think confronting him until you've taken control of as many assets as possible.

Praying for you............

My best,  DW

Hi J,

Sorry how often the story repeats itself, but always happy to listen and pray.

TruthSeeker

Hello!

I scheduled a meeting with my dad and my husband for yesterday, but last tuesday my husband called my dad and scheduled a lunch meeting to talk about my "terrible irresponsibility with money".

My dad called me and asked me if I thought we shouldn't just go ahead and have our "talk" at lunch, I agreed.

So, my husband thought we were having a meeting to discuss me and my credit card, which we did, and then we talked about his addiction and that I wanted a six month separation in which time I wanted him to seek treatment. I told him that if he would seek treatment and work dilegently, (I believe behaviour, not words), that I would be willing to walk through the fire with him, otherwise, at the end of six months, I would file for divorce.  He responded that he would NOT do that, that he WAS NOT addicted and that I had better just file for divorce.

Back in 2005 when we dealt with this the first time, we went to Doug Weiss' clinic in Colorado Springs for a long weekend, then he began seeing a couselor and was in group for 6 weeks.....then, he was "done"....and I did not hold him accountable.

I said to him, at our lunch meeting, "You admitted you were a sex addict in 2005, to me, in front of witnesses and in writing, are you saying that you were lying back then"?  He replied, "No, I was not lying". So I asked, "If you were one then, how are you not one now"? He got flustered and changed his story, several times....I wasn't one then, I was, but not now.....He kept trying to redirect the problem to one of financial problems, but I kept asking about the porn DVD's I found hidden in the Juke Box three weeks ago.  I just for once would like for him to TELL THE TRUTH, without having a "smoking gun". He would NOT tell the truth. Said it has been there for years, he forgot about it. LIES. The only way I found it is by digital tape recorder....I KNOW WHEN HE USED LAST AND HOW OFTEN. Whe he refused to come clean, I ended the meeting, politely, but firmly.

Wednesday I filed for divorce, Thursday morning I gave him the Petition (after I had gotten my daughter to day care). That day I got several emails listing what he wanted from the house, etc. I had all the locks rekeyed, packed him a bag, took it to his mother's and called him to tell him. He accused me of trying to keep everything. My only reason for doing this was to have a few days peace with my daughter to explain and to deal with my emotions. I thought he would man up and go to a hotel.  He arrived at 6 with the police to let him in. Somehow I got my child to the neighbor's with out her seeing the police. I had to let him in because I had no restraining order.

He cried all night, (his father died of cancer in March), he cried and said how sorry he was, how much he loves us, how sorry he was....I almost bought it....but then I remembered back in 2005, after returning from Colorado Springs, he was on the computer the night we got back! I have been here before....now he has been in the house all weekend and thinks he's back to stay. No time to talk because my daughter is here.

That is where I stand right now..... 

Thank you, GettingTheVictory, for your kind words.  Anger has gotten the better of me at times.  I think my recent screaming session dissipated my anger. 

I applaud you for your insight into the addiction, your strength and conviction.  I hope that your husband will acknowledge the addiction and seek treatment.  If not, you must press on with the divorce.....for your sake and your daughter's sake.

Praying for you........

My best,  DW

Yes my Dad is an awesome Dad. He is a Godley man and a very good negotiator.

My husband has agreed to seek help. First appt. with therapist is Monday.

Bless you all

Dear Truthseeker,

Why would knowing the copyright date help?