Back to day one

Giving ourselves a punch in the face is part of the problem, not part of the solution.  We act out, feel shame, then act out again in order to deaden the pain of our shame.  It's a vicious cycle, and we need to step out of it.

I sure relate to the "playing church" thing.  As my addiction got worse and worse, my alienation from God got greater and greater.  I still remember the year I kept clean all through Great Lent only to find myself masturbating to what I could see looking through the fuzz on the TV at 1AM on Bright Monday (the day after Easter).  How does that make one feel?

Is it time to look for more help?  I spent 30 years feeling terrible about myself and praying for strength and making no improvement.  When things started to get better was when I accepted that I really was an addict, that I really needed all the sources of support other addicts needed, and that you know what?  Other addicts managed to get clean, and so could I if I did what they did!  And so I started going to 12-step meetings, online and face-to-face.  I found out what the steps were about - building a new relationship with God, daring to face all the fears and resentments within me that were leading me to act out in my addiction, looking at the sources of guilt and shame that separated me from other people, making amends to them, and letting those things go.  In short, finding peace and trust with God, with others, and with myself.  It seemed utterly amazing to me that ordinary people like me who weren't great saints could find such peace and blessing.  The hope that those blessings could be mine and that finding those blessing could also cause the desire to view porn to be lifted seemed like the greatest hope one human being could offer another.

I can't claim my own recovery has been completely monotonic.  I was sober for a couple of years, then had some slips, and am working my way back up toward those 2 years again.  I've struggled some.  But my life is unimaginably better than it was when I was acting out every day or every few days, isolated from other people, hiding from myself, angry at God, drifting deeper and deeper into incipiently suicidal despair.  It was pure hell, and now, for the first time, I can see heaven.

It's hard work - going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, daring to look inside ourselves, working hard at counseling, doing journaling and prayer and meditation, getting honest with the central people in our lives, trusting others, working with other addicts.  All that's the hardest and scariest thing most of us will ever do.  But other addicts get sober that way, and we can, too.

So I just mention it, if you ever hit a point where what you're doing isn't working and you're ready to try something new.  It's sure saving my life.

Peace,

Tim M.

A few comments:

(1) There are, of course, online support groups.

(2) So, are you working with your youth pastor?

(3) You know your parents and I don't - things like how angry and abusive they are.  As a parent myself, though, this is certainly the sort of thing I'd hope my kids felt safe telling me so that I could help them get help.

(4) Any addiction is about hiding and isolation, but this addiction above all.  But there's an old program slogan that we're only as sick as our secrets.  We think that telling someone will destroy everything, that we will be irretrievably lost and humiliated if we show ourselves honestly.  But not only is showing ourselves honestly part of our healing, but also my experience is that every person I have told about my addiction has been honored that I would trust myself to their care in this way, and has received me with love.  That list includes my wife and kids, my mother and sisters (my father died long ago), some clergy and counselors, a half a dozen friends, and a lot of fellow addicts in SAA and SLAA.  Think about how you would react if someone came to you with a story like yours, or another story equally serious about some other aspect of their life.  Would you turn on them?  I don't think so.  I think you'd thank them for daring to share, and that you would treat the soul that had been entrusted to you with care and with love.  Now, that's not to say that the best thing for us to do is to take out an ad in the local paper saying we're sex addicts.  Obviously we have to be careful about who we share something this sensitive with.  But discovering that we can be who we are and still be loved, that we can dare to show ourselves to others, to God, and even to ourselves, is a huge step toward freedom.

Just how it seems to this old man, of course.

Tim M.

You know, I'd like to, but I feel queasy about that.

Forgive me, but as a parent, I would welcome and deeply honor and respect my kids working on inner issues that were troubling them.  But I'd also be uncomfortable having my kids, behind my back, meeting self-described sex addicts like me on the Internet and going to online meetings with adults facing that issue.  There are people at those meetings with wonderful recovery.  There's also always the occasional lurker hoping to pick somebody up, and there are people who struggle, sometimes doing the right thing, and sometimes falling into their old ways.

I've benefited enormously from those meetings, but as a parent, I'd want to know that's where my kid was.

So no, I don't feel like I can point you at places your parents don't know about.  The info's not hard to find, but I won't be at peace if I directly give it to you.  I hope you understand.  I feel bad about that, too, but I'll have to ask you to wait until your parents know or until you're an adult.

Like everything about this addiction, that sucks.  Maybe it's a small additional argument for openness?

Tim M.

I would like to find a good online support group.   Can you recommend any?