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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2010 3:07:09 GMT -7
hmm. maybe you're right. thank you for the advice. i've already been in touch with an attorney. maybe i'll set up a formal consultation.
thank you for your concern. i take it to heart.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2010 5:20:03 GMT -7
Dear ItsMeTime,
I quote you....."I have not responded to him. This is out of the norm for me, but I feel so much better when I just don't respond to him when he plays these games. I think it's freaking him out a little bit. As much as I would like to know why he is doing these things, I know I will just be giving in to the flesh if I ask, and contribute to the insane hurricane that I've been living in. I'm okay with him just throwing his fits and ignoring it. I know this is just the begining but I already feel like I'm starting to be strengthend"
One word for you.....Brava!!!!! It will be difficult, but try not to get sucked into his insanity. Make a printout of your own words and keep it in your purse. Whenever you are feeling low, pull out your copy, re-read your OWN words and remember how good it felt to be out of his tornado!
I do agree with Devastated Wife. You need to protect yourself! Consult an attorney, pull a copy of your credit report, monitor you bank accounts. Do you have an account set up in your name only? Everyone has their own feelings about this, but I've had a separate account set up for years (even before I knew about the addiction). It's in my sister's name (of whom I have complete trust) with my kids listed as beneficiaries. Every now and then, when I have a few extra dollars in my pocket, I swing by the bank and make a deposit. You'll be surprised how those few dollars add up over time. I call it my "What If Fund". What If I want to leave my husband, What If I want to take a trip to Paris with him, What If anything. You never know what God has in store for you. Money goes in but NEVER comes out!!! No matter what financial struggles we've had, that fund is NEVER touched!! Think of it as stopping at Starbuck's in the morning. Once you buy that cup of coffee, you can never return it for a refund!!
Anyway, good luck with your session. Keep your thoughts on you, not your husband!!
AllAlone
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2010 1:10:58 GMT -7
Hi ItsMeTime,
Only you can judge whether or not this would be prudent, but my first thought when reading your post about your H entering when you are not home is that it is time to change the locks.
Praying... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2010 5:00:24 GMT -7
You might gain a lot of wisdom reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It is about the tactics abusive men use to control women. Not just physical abuse, but verbal, emotional and sexual. My husband purposely emotionally abused me during his affair, so that the marriage would be ruined. He was trying to get me to divorce him so that it wouldn't be his fault. I read that book and WOW...it was like a giant light flipped on for me.
Mostly, controlling men purposely confuse and humiliate their partner, so she doesn't have the strength to defend herself. He then gets to continue getting his way.
There is nothing so refreshing as seeing that you are NOT crazy! Knowledge is power.
I go to a counselor who is old enough to be my mother, still married with grown children, very confidential, intelligent and faith filled and let's me direct the topic of the sessions. I don't think a man could understand the woundedness of the female soul in regards to porn. I also admire her marriage, so I know when she gives me advice she has lived it.
By the way, if I knew then what I know now, I would have cut off all communication with my cheating husband. He was so whacked out that nothing he said could be taken seriously anyway. Picture yourself putting your fingers in your ears and humming loudly.
I did end up with enough courage to separate. After 3 months alone, he started changing his behavior and wanted to work on the marriage. 3 months more and we moved back in together. We are still married. So, I am proof that recovering from affairs is possible. However, it takes an attitude of humility for a man to return--not cockiness. Until he shows you some kindness, put your fingers in your ears and start humming.
Blessings to you and I hope God works a great miracle in your life.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2010 5:23:23 GMT -7
Another update. Went to marital counseling Wednesday night. I was shocked that my husband actually showed up. Once again, the counselor bashed me. He had some good points, but I felt as though he was "shaming" me. I broke down and confronted him. He backed off of me and I truly think the counselor was convicted for his actions. My husband sent me an email yesterday checking on me b/c he recognized how hard the counselor was on me. He told me that he was pissed at the counselor for being so "one-sided" and blaming me for everything and him for nothing. He assured me that he does not blame me for what's happend. He said that he wanted to comfort me but didn't know if it was alright, so he did nothing. I appreciate my husband's concern but I'm not letting my guard down. I met with a different counselor last night who is the director of the Celebrate Recovery program in our area. Wow! I am confident that I have finally found the help I have been desperately seeking for such a long time. I stayed for the Celebrate Recovery class after our session. I really like the curriculum and atmosphere in Celebrate Recovery. Thank God I don't have to see the marital counselor for 2 weeks. That's a lot of time to seek God on how to handle him.
Hope you all enjoy your weekend!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2010 7:13:58 GMT -7
Dear ItsMeTime,
It's a big victory against the battle when your husband actually attends a therapy session. Congratulations! Take one day at a time and be grateful for today's blessings. I've found that when I look too far ahead, I usually get disappointed (mostly due to my own unreasonable expectations for someone else!)
I am sorry that your counselor was once again "bashing" you. That's great that your husband recognized it as well. My concern is that the counselor seems to be a bit "one sided". Not good when you're trying to counsel a union between two people. How can he be objective?
The therapist my husband and I have is very good at pointing out when I'm wrong but also, when I'm right. She gives that same attention to my husband. She functions as a non-judgemental on-looker with the experience and education to back her opinions and recommendations. It's a very open environment.
Might I suggest a conversation between you and your husband about seeking a new marriage counselor? The ultimate goal is a successful marriage, not just two successful individuals.
Since your counselor seems to "favor" your husband, the subject may be a bit tricky. After all, doesn't it feel good when someone takes the blame off you? Your husband may be reluctant to change counselors. But seeing that even your husband noticed his comments, you may be more successful in your goal.
You specifically said "I'm not letting my guard down". Well, the last place you should be "guarded" is in a counselors office!
Good Luck!!
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2010 4:47:28 GMT -7
Good morning all! Hope you are all having a wonderful day. I have a question that is open to anyone. In a nut shell my husband is still not living at home. He is going to marital counseling, but not getting help specific to the addiction. He is checking on me periodically to see how we are b/c he "cares" about us (me and child). However, he has admitted that he is still committing adultery (internet, meetings, whatever), and is trying to figure out what his intentions are and what he wants to do. I know that right now I should probably just be patient and allow God to do a work in him. But, part of me really wants to just call it quits and get a divorce. Can anyone explain what is going on in my husband's head? I don't understand this behavior. I am trying not to react with emotion. My perspective is that he wants both worlds (me and adultry). How can I honor and respect a husband that is doing this to God and his family?
Confused today!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2010 7:14:29 GMT -7
Hugs and hugs...you are in such a yucky, murky place. I was in the same place once. Here are a few things that might help: 1) Read the Psalms. Your despair is not surprising to God. Let yourself cry and grieve and know that God is right there with you.
2) Good worship music. You must flood your life with hope. It is also good for your child.
3)Make your home a safe place for your heart. It is a mercy right now that you are not under the same roof as your husband. Get rid of any piece of furniture that reminds you of his sin. Clothing that brings bad memories. Tvs, computers, whatever. Get crazy about cutting off yucky reminders of immorality.
4)Consign or sell your clothes, and get new ones. Get a haircut, new shoes, new makeup. Be really, really nice to yourself. Work out. You are being totally humiliated by your husband. Stick up for your dignity.
5)Biblically, you have two roads ahead of you. Only you know which one God is calling you to:
A--If you feel like God is asking you to stick it out with your husband, you must wait to see what he will do. Tell him he is the one who must serve you papers. You let him know you want the marriage, but he can't move back until he is faithful. Meanwhile, as he flounders around like an ass, you take excellent care of yourself. You have a big job of waiting ahead of you. Focus on keeping your own heart pure and alive. If he comes around, repentant and serious about the marriage, then you slowly rebuild. It is possible!
B--You have the right to a divorce based on your husband's ongoing unrepentant adultery. Ask Devastated Wife on this site for legal and financial advice.
You might consider ending the marriage counseling until he can stop cheating on you (with real women at least). You go to your own counselor without him. Why spend time and money in therapy with a man who is ACTIVELY humiliating you? You can strongly tell him you want to go to counseling with him, WHEN he can stop the physical adultery and figure out if he wants to stay married.
In your situation it is tempting to think in extremes. Remember that setting your boundaries does not mean you are leaving your husband. Separating yourself from him shows you respect yourself and you protect yourself. You can also say you still love him. Here is an example: "I love you and want to work on the mariage. I am separating myself from you until you can agree to stop the adultery, so that we can decide whether or not we can stay married. If you want a divorce, you can serve me. For now, I am waiting to see what you decide." Versus this: "I am separating from you because I hate you and you make me sick" OR, "Because I have to set boundaries it must mean I don't love him, or he is a monster or I am giving up on the marriage. OR "I have to let him come and go as he pleases, since I want to stay married. I can't set any boundaries because I don't want him to leave me"
A couple of other resources that helped me: James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough (he addresses your exact situation)
Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends. Helps understand and heal from adultery.
The online community at Michele Weiner- Davis's Divoce Busting website: www.divorcebusting.com
You are a strong woman! God is with you. Blessings, Babette
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2010 7:30:55 GMT -7
Thank you Babette. I really like your suggestions. I really need to think about which option I want to pursue. However, I am so thankful that you gave me specifics. It sometimes seems like people will tell me to set "healthy" boundaries, but they don't offer specifics. Then when I try to set boundaries based from the "Boundaries" book, I am told that I did the wrong thing. I'm trying to set boundaries, I just think that I am unclear on what the "healthy" ones are. Anyway, thanks again.
Even if I wanted to file for divorce, I no longer have the money to do so. My husband is with-holding half of his paycheck.
I have been taking care of me lately. Eventhough I get lonely for companionship, I really enjoy the time with my son. Not as much to clean up after when 1 adult is gone! :-)
I took down all wedding pictures and put them away a few weeks ago. I have also started to re-arrange things in the house. I just want something new, and like you said...nothing to remind me of the "humiliation".
If my husband was truly at a place of admitting brokeness that I would absolutely do what it takes to save the marriage. But since he is not there, I'm in a bind. I will look into your suggested readings and take your advice to heart.
Have a blessed day!
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