New and desperate for support

" Is it okay for me to blame my husband and his addiction for the damage that has been done?"

 

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Please do not blame yourself.   I'll write more after my client meeting.  You are not alone.......and you didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you cannot control it.  More later.

 

 

DW,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I have read those articles before, but it was refreshing to read them again.

I had an individual session with our counselor last night. I found some things helpful in what he had to say, but the rest left me uneasy. I asked if I could share my story, but the counselor did most of the talking as usual and said, "Oh, I'm sure I already know what your story is". What kind of remark is that??? I do NOT think I am co-dependant because I am not in denial of my husdband's addiction. Nor am I excusing his behavior. I do NOT think I am addicted to him because I know that I can live without him. My reason for staying with him is because I have believed his lies, and was trying to do what I thought God wanted me to do. NOT because I was afraid to live without him. I have been devistated because I feel like our marriage was based on false pretences and now we have a child involved. I am responsible to God for what happens to our child on this earth!  I have used FAITH to keep my hope in God saving our marriage. THAT IS NOT AN ADDICTION!

I am not happy with my counselor talking down to me saying that "Oh you just can't keep your mouth shut, you just can't help yourself can you?" He then advised me to apologize to my husband because I told my husband that he is not welcome in our home while he continues his filth and lies. This is not right. I am the one seeking help here. I'm tired of people telling me where I'm wrong. I'm ready to be told what I need to do for my own sanity. I am more interested in someone giving me scriptures to study, show me how and what to pray for, and for people to be sensitive when talking about my own weaknesses because I have hit rock bottom. For 10 years my husband and his family have told me how I don't measure up. My husband has told me that I am the reason that he cheats. In addition to him feeding me this garbage for 10 years, I now feel like this counselor thinks that I have contributed to his addiction. Even if this is the case, it was done unknowingly. Am I a defensive person? Absolutely. I see how this addiction has damaged me and I want people to listen. I am no longer seeking help for our marriage I am seeking help for myself. My counselor is still trying to save my marriage. I am trying to find health and safety for myself and our son. What is so hard to understand about this?? I am thinking of confronting my counselor. Although my counselor fully beleives that my husband is a sex addict, I feel like our couselor is treating me just like the police officer in this article.

www.awomanshealingjourney.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=23:story-accident&catid=1:a-womans-healing-journey&Itemid=9


Sorry for venting...I am so frustrated, and struggling with what I know is God, and what is NOT! I appreciate your support in my journey.

Dear ItsMeTime,

Welcome to the forum.  There's a lot of good advice here.  I've found it a place where I learn a lot from reading about the experiences of others.  What I've needed to do is take bits and pieces from everyone's writings.  You have to apply things to your own beliefs, experiences and circumstances.  I'd like to share with you my experiences with my sex addict husband.  And again, take what helps and discard the rest.  With that being said..... 

I'm pretty much a "newbie" myself.  I found out my husband was a sex addict about 5 months ago (all throughout our 22 year marriage!).  I know exactly where you're at.  The situation is so overwhelming that it feels as if the weight is about to choke you.  You pace the floor struggling for air to breathe while a trillion thoughts bombard your mind.  There were times I would just let out these gut wrenching, primal screams that would send our poor dog under the bed!  To see my husband would physically make me sick.  I ran through the whole spectrum of emotions....betrayal, fear, anger, hopelessness...the list is endless.

Then came the questions.  How could he do this to me and our family?  This is a hard one to answer as every man's circumstances are different.  My husbands addiction started with being sexually abused as a child.  He was a child exposed to very adult situations that he did not have the emotional capability of handling.  Add to the situation, parents that were present but unavailable and the result is a lifetime of pain.  He is in a tremendous amount of pain to this day.  I give caution here because understanding the "why's" may be helpful and important but it doesn't "excuse" the behavior!  I found this website that may be helpful.  partnersforpurity.com/news.php  If you go to the "community" tab you'll see lots of questions actually answered by a sex addict.  It gives some insight from their point of view.

There are a lot of terms thrown out there to label us wives.  Addicts, co-addicts, enablers!  I'm not too crazy about these labels.  I think that at different times some of MY present behaviors could fall into each of those categories.  So my advice would be to throw the labels out the window and just deal with your "behavior of the day"!

The only thing you have control over is you.  Not the addict, not the addicts family...no one but you.  I strongly recommend that you find a therapist experienced with addiction.  It doesn't have to be "sex" addiction because all addictions are the same. (In my opinion)  I had a hard time finding a S-anon meeting myself.  The closest is about an hour from my home.  I do have a therapist who has been amazing.  There are lots of times I don't feel like going and am amazed at how good I feel when I leave.  There are lots of times I feel worse when I leave her office, but then after taking some time to think, I realize she has me in the right direction.  The important thing is to keep going!

I've put many of my questions on this forum and am very lucky to have been answered and advised by many wise women.  They will never know how much they have helped me.  So often I couldn't wait for a therapy appointment and needed questions answered "now".  This forum did that for me.

I don't know about your relationship with God.  I was always a believer.  But this situation has brought me closer to him.  I talk out loud to him daily.  My conversations have to be audible.  At first I felt a bit silly but now, it's helping me to keep my sanity.

Another thing I've done is to read, read, read.  And then read some more.  I've been trying to learn as much about sex addiction as possible from BOTH perspectives...the addict's and the spouse.  I've also learned a lot from reading books about "healthy" marriages!  It has helped me gain a great deal of insight about how dysfunctional we were before I found out.  Not to mention, some much needed insight about myself!  There isn't a person alive without "baggage".  Right now, I've opened my suitcase and am working on sorting my clothes!

It's important that you realize you are not responsible for your husbands addiction.  You did nothing to create the situation and likewise, you cannot cure it.  The responsibility is his.

Right now, I'm still dealing with a lot of anger.  I'm angry at him, I'm angry at his family, I'm just angry at the whole situation.  Nothing will ever be normal again.  And if you really think about it, that's a good thing!  Being in the dark is not real.  It's living in an illusion.  You need to work on finding what your new "normal" is!

I'm so sorry if I seem to bounce from subject to subject.  I was just writing as thoughts were entering my head.  Hopefully some of what I said will help.  Just breathe slow and take your time.  I'm finding that this is a process.  A long, slow process that we all need to go through with or without our addict.  Unfortunately, it's been a lot slower than I would like but patience is one of my clothing items I'm working on sorting!

When I first found out, I just wanted to run as far away as possible.  I couldn't even imagine life without all the pain and always wondered how I was going to get through this.  Well, it's been only 5 months and I'm better.  Not good, not great, but better.  And that gives me hope!

Blessings to you.

allalone

Dear ItsMeTime,

I'd like to third the motion.............IT'S PAST TIME FOR A NEW COUNSELOR.

Go into Donald mode.  Practice this:  YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Next Applicant, please.........

My first counselor also assumed that I was co-dependent.  He's no longer our counselor.

Best,  DW

ALL addicts carry an enormous amount of shame and guilt.  The fact that your husband is even beginning to speak of his addiction is a milestone.

My husband and I met jointly with a marriage counselor prior to him revealing his addiction.  However, once he revealed his addiction, our therapy sessions changed to individual meetings with occassional joint meetings.

I am not a therapist and have no qualifications in the area.  However, I believe addiction is a disease that requires intensive one on one therapy.  If your husband is happy with your present counselor, wonderful.  But that doesn't mean you need to have the same therapist.  You should be seeing someone that offers an open, non-judgemental environment.  I would suggest that you search for such a therapist regardless of your husbands needs, wishes and concerns.

Please.....If I'm mistaken, I would welcome comments from others in the forum!

Good luck with tomorrows meeting.

Allalone

Once again, thank you all for your support and kind words. An update on me. Last night I had a glimpse of peace and happiness. I decided that I was going to be in a good mood, not answer the phone and just spend quality time with my son. I owe this to God, and I am so thankful that he  cleared my mind, brought me peace and comfort for the night. I must also thank each and everyone of you because for the first time in a long time I don't feel like I'm crazy.

Meanwhile, husband has been trying to pick at me by leaving evidence that he has been at our house while I'm at work (he is not staying in our home). He has been taking little things here or there, with-holding half of his paycheck, changing the mailing address on his auto loan (I am the co-signer on the loan), etc. I have not responded to him. This is out of the norm for me, but I feel so much better when I just don't respond to him when he plays these games. I think it's freaking him out a little bit. As much as I would like to know why he is doing these things, I know I will just be giving in to the flesh if I ask, and contribute to the insane hurricane that I've been living in. I'm okay with him just throwing his fits and ignoring it. I know this is just the begining but I already feel like I'm starting to be strengthend.

Anyway, we'll see what happens this afternoon in our session, or if he even shows up. If he doesn't show up, then I will confront the counselor with my concerns on how the counselor has been addressing me. I'll keep you updated.

As always, and comments or advice is welcomed.

Be blessed!

DW,

I appreciate your response. I have been thinking about that as well. For now, my husband is depositing just enough money so that I can pay the bills. I am being careful, and trusting that the Lord will protect and show me favor financially. I'm not going to try to control my husband at this point with his tantrums. In my mind he either needs to go through this to hit his bottom, or he's just making a huge bed of destruction and regret that he will have to lie down in. My husband has always been vindictive and likes to "teach me lessons". This is how he has controlled me in the past. I will not let him control me anymore. I am confident that the Lord will direct me to move when I need to move. Of course prayers for the safety of myself and my son, physically, emotionally and financially will be appreciated. I truly believe there is power in numbers and prayer.