Every Woman's Desire

For those who do not have time to read the book, I am providing an outline of the things I found particularly significant from the book.  I would recommend reading the book if at all possible.

From Chapter 2:   "Men are primarily responsible to complete God's call to marital oneness (drawn especially from Ephesians 5:23, where we're told, "for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior").  While women have clear responsibilities in marriage, let's speak plainly:  Who is God like to hold most responsible?"

From Chapter 3:  "I had trampled Brenda [emphasis mine], crushing the opportunity for oneness in our marriage.  I had stampeded her concerns, stepped on her feelings.  Such trampling [emphasis mine] is sinning against your wife. ... Most of us Christian men sin against our wives regularly, but we're just too blind to see it."

When there is an impasse..."The natural pattern is for the 'leader" to call for a vote, as it were, and break the tie in his own favor.  Isn't that what guys do all the time...?  ...  We are to follow Paul's example from Romans:  ""Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."

"To paraphrase Paul's words in Romans, we might way, "look, Tim, your freedom in Christ is not to be your only focus, although you're the leader of your home.  NO CHRISTIAN [emphasis mine] lives for himself alone, but rather for Christ's purposes.  God called you to lead your marriage into oneness [emphasis mine].  Why are are you putting a stumbling block in Sally's way?"  ....  "Husbands' submitting to our wives for the sake of oneness is a bedrock biblical principle.  And it's here that we begin to understand the role of male submission in marriage.  For us husbands, as for Paul, there are more important things than exerting any authority in our marriage--things like oneness and growth of a tender, fragile relationship.  I call this "submission to oneness.""

"Any stumbling block we place in the way of oneness with our wives is sin.  It weakens God's purpose for marriage and glaunts our leadership at the expense of God's work."

"I once talked with a fellow named Richard, who said, "Fred, my wife doesn't like French kissing.  She says it makes her nauseous and totally ruins the whole sexual experience for her.   She's nuts!  [Absolutely ignored her point of view and trampled her essence.]  French kissing really turns me on, and I feel cheated and downright furious when she won't do it.  After all, the Bible says that we aren't to deny our bodies to each other.  To me, that means I should get what I want, but I don't!  She just won't give in.  From time to time, we'll be in bed and things will be going along so well that I'll give it another try.  But she immediately goes rigid and loses all interest.  She acts as if it's a big sin, yet there isn't a single Scripture verse against it.  If God has no problem with it, why should she?"  [Ladies, did you notice how many "I's" there were in that?  Clearly espoused by a self-centered child.] 

Richard has a point.  There's no Scripture against French kissing.  His wife doesn't even call it a sin.  Bur for Richard, French kissing is a sin because it tramples his wife's sexuality, a precious essence of her soul.  Nothing breaks oneness like trampling your wife's soul essence---that mysterious, God-created combination of her innermost qualities."  [emphasis mine]

"Paul teaches in Romans 14:16-18 submission for the sake of oneness.  This fosters peace, joy, and righteousness.  ....  If Richard's wife yields to his authoritative demands for French kissing, he may think he's gaining pleasure.  but his wife will only be nauseous and seethe deeply in her soul.  In the future she's more likely to avoid sex at every possible turn, going to bed early [or late] to avoid what has become for her a demeaning, joyless act.  [emphasis mine]"

"More often than not, we must give in at impasses for the sake of god and for the sake of oneness.  That's called servant leadership.

From Chapter 5, Pursuing your woman's desire:  Oneness.....

"Many men whitewash their lives with the language and customs of the Christian culture.  Satisfied with salvation alone, they avoid the strenuous work of submission necessary for oneness with Christ.  So singing in the choir by day, they hit their wives by night.  Nodding their heads about the sanctity of marriage by day, they wallow in cyber sex by night.  Ravaging their homes with verbal abuse by day, they serve at deacon meetings by night.  One the outside they seem Christian enough, but they refuse to meet the terms of oneness."

"When we turn on the computer and masturbate to naked, nameless lovers lying across our screen, we trample His essence."

"Who sets the terms for oneness in marriage?  Your wife.  more accurately, your wife's essence.  and that means there will be some sacrifice on your part."

Are you clueless?

Paraphrasing:  A woman's home is a reflection of her.  If your wife asks you to fix up the house, do it.  Give her projects the same priority as your projects.  A wife's response to her husband's procrastination:  "In six years, he couldn't find a single weekend to make me happy.  I wasn't a priority to him.  every time I stepped into those bathrooms, I was reminded that he didn't care about me.  I was hurt, and then I became angry.  I resented all the things he made sure he did for himself and especially those things he expected me to do for him." 

"The whole plan of marriage was designed that you might be one with her.  And because women were created for relationship, her highest priority is that you would honor her essence as you do your own, living in mutual submission with here.  This is every woman's desire."

"Most of us husbands are not thinking about what our wives truly desire.  Our wives want rich communication and a bond that no one can touch.  They long to blossom in marriage.  They long for our eyes to meet in meaningful dialogue. 

Go into any restaurant and watch the older couples.  Most take a small corner table, order off the menu, and barely speak a word to each other during the entire meal.  Their eyes rarely meet.  As they shuffle past on their way out the door, [emphasis mine]  LOOK AT THE WOMAN'S EYES.  IT'S TRULY HARROWING.  SHE'S JUST PLAYING OUT THE STRING.  WAS THIS GOD'S DREAM FOR HER IN MARRIAGE?  FOR US?  IN PRE-MARRIAGE CLASS, EVERY FEMALE EYE IS BRIGHT WITH HOPE AND ANTICIPATION.  THE TRAMPLING OF MARRIAGE BRINGS DEATH TO THOSE EYES.  YOUR WIFE DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO TRAMPLE HER.  YOU SEEMED KIND AND GODLY BEFORE MARRIAGE.  SHE NEVER DREAMED YOU WOULD TREAT HERE LIKE THIS."

Sadly, most men are a mirage.  According to one recent study, our report card is shameful:

[*]Eighty-four percent of women feel they don't have intimacy (oneness) in their marriages.[/*][*]Eighty-three percent of women feel their husbands don't even know the basic needs of a woman for intimacy(oneness) or how to provide intimacy for them.[/*][*]A large majority of female divorcees say that the married years were the loneliest years of their lives.[/*]

What obstacles have blocked us from answering God's call to oneness with our wives?

From Chapter 7, Leading as a bondservant.......

"if you as chief tiebreaker are crushing oneness in your marriage, it's not enough to polish your image by making "sacrifices."  You need an entirely new mindset and a wholesale change in motive.  When Jesus washed His disciples' feet, this act of submission wasn't about showing off His superior humility or sensitivity.  Setting an example wasn't even His primary motive.  The sacrifice of male submission will set an example, but its primary purpose is to release our wives to life life fully and blossom to their full potential.  Servant leadership i smore than washing your wife's feet once in a while or vacuuming before she returns home.  It's more than washing dishes, running a load of laundry, or filling her car with gas.  We have neighbors  who would do these things for us in a pinch.

"But Fred and Steve, my wife is not my master!"  True, but becoming one with her essence is your master.  You submit your rights in whatever way necessary as leader to attain this, not because she has authority over you, but become you love her.  You've been commanded to lover her in precisely this way by someone who does have authority over you---Jesus Christ."

Submission, obedience to Christ leads to paradoxical blessings.  This servant approach has actually given the authors stronger leadership in their marriages, not less.

When they are leading as bondservants, their wives' submission becomes easier for her, which strengthens the husband's leadership.

And it affair-proofs the marriage. 

"Playing CHIEF tIEBREAKER WILL TRAMPLE YOUR WIFE'S CONVICTIONS AND EAT AWAY AT HER SOUL ESSENCE.  SHE'LL NEVER BLOSSOM UNDER THAT SCENARIO, AND THERE'LL BE NO ONENESS.   YOU WON'T EXPERIENCE INTIMACY."

"We need to lead and to lead strongly, but we need a bondservant style of leadership that creates oneness and radiance in our wives."

How?

1.  The bondservant constantly studied his master to find new ways to better serve his master.

2.  The bondservant did all he could to build the esteem and prestige of the master in the community.

3.  The bondservant treated his master's thoughts and opinions as being as valuable as his own.

4.  The bondservant was happy to do the most menial, thankless jobs to make room for the master to exercise his gifts.

5.  The bondservant made allowances for the weaknesses of his master.

6.  The bondservant's sin hurt his master and he didn't dawdle in seeking freedom from his sin.

What if I don't learn to submit?

"In all cases, you will not have oneness.  You may have peace, you may have marital longevity, and you may even APPEAR to have a marriage made in heaven.  But you won't have a relationship based on intimacy.  As a result, there'll be casualties on all sides, including one of particular interest to men -- SEX. 

"For women, sexual attraction is based on relationship.  If you've refused to take on a servant's mind-set, you'll have a wife with weak, little or no sexual attraction to you.  Take your pick.  That's just the way it is.

A church pastor one said to someone, "see that chair over there?  That's my counseling chair.  Do you know what complaint I hear most often from married men?"  No, what is it? he was asked.  "I'm just not getting any sex."

....

Why don't women want sex with their husbands?  The answer is that they have no real relationship with them.  They don't feel intimate at all.  Their husbands haven't allowed their wives' soul essences to be honored, loved and expressed with their own.  "

Hi DW,

I started a new topic in the wives section of this forum regarding this book.  I couldn't remember where I initially read about the recommendation.  Thank you for recommending this book.  I'm almost finished with it.  I too am surprised at how these men "get" it.

Early in his recovery, my husband read Every Mans Battle.  At the time, he was still in denial and only took from it one phrase...."men need sexual release at least every 72 hours or else.....".  Well, he had the nerve to say that to me and believe me, after my response, he never mentioned it again!

I'm happy to say that he has re-read that book several times since those early days and now has a clearer understanding of their writings.  The point to my little story here is that I was skeptical about reading "Every Woman's Desire" because it was written by the same authors.  What could they possibly know about women if they are telling men that sexual release is a physical necessity?

Anyway, I've read both books in their proper context and they are both very good.  "Every Woman's Desire" is a book that all men should read.  I'll even take it a step further and say that teenagers should read it too.  We formally educate our children in the skills of mathematics, science, and even auto shop but never in the skills of "Relationship Management".  All the traditional academic skills mean nothing if we can't even interact with one another.

Thank you again for the recommendation and to those reading this post, let me say that this book is well worth it.  The authors have put into words the feelings and emotions we all share.

AllAlone