The Ironies in this addiction

Dear Godsgirl,

Boy, that seems like a lot of weight you're putting on your shoulders!

I don't believe my husbands sex addiction is my burden to carry....it's his.  His healing will come from seeing Christ in ALL things, not just me.  And compared to ALL things, I am but a small leaf on a tree.

Christ was sent here to carry all our burdens.  He is the only one with shoulder's big enough to do so.  Let go and let God!

Allalone

First, I like DW's crisp statement of one of the sad ironies of this affliction.

Second, do you mind a somewhat free-form reflection from an addict on Godsgirl's shares?

It's easy to worry about the burden Godsgirl is taking upon herself.  If I'm powerless over my addiction, then definitely anybody else is.  And surely someone else's salvation is outside my grasp, isn't it?  I wonder if some time with the Serenity Prayer might be time well spent, as it is for most of us?

But I want to speak from my own experience a bit.  For me, my addiction has been the central thing in my life that has brought me closer to God.  It has done that by showing me over 40 years of living in hell that life on my terms is unbearable.

Getting that message took me an awfully long time.  I had to spend decades thinking I believed in God, believing in God intellectually, but not really having faith in God and trusting Him.  I had to spend those decades praying for strength and getting nowhere.  I had to spend those decades trying to appear before God as somebody I wasn't - somebody better and stronger and more repentant.  I had to spend those decades hearing at every liturgy the prayer, "Let us commend ourselves, one another, and our whole life unto Christ, our God," singing, "To Thee, O Lord," and thinking, "But not everything.  Some things, I'm holding back for myself, out of prudence, for my own safety."  I had to spend those decades getting more and more isolated, more and more hooked, more and more angry, more and more depressed, more and more suicidal.  Farther and farther into hell.

I gave it a good, long run before I finally hit bottom and gave up.

In order finally to give up and turn everything over to God, in order finally to admit I needed help and to start trusting others, I needed to have exhausted all the alternatives.  It needed to become clear to me that nothing I was doing was working, that nothing I could do would ever work, that the only possible end to the road on which I was walking was growing despair, growing fragmentation, growing bondage, growing isolation from others and from God, and eventual death alone, trapped, despairing, likely by my own hand.

Somebody other than me might have started trusting God and others before hitting that point, but I couldn't.  I needed to arrive at that bottom.

Forty years digging myself deeper and deeper into hell isn't the blessing I would have asked for, but it was the blessing I needed, and it was the blessing I received.

And once that message was well and truly received, once I finally understood that my way had failed and that I was done, then finally life and hope and faith began to become possible.

As long as I thought I could still be in control and that there was safety there, I held on to that hope.  That hope had to be slowly and systematically dismembered and smashed before I could begin to look where I should have looked in the beginning - to God and to the people who loved me.

So my story, and I think it is a common one among addicts, is this: I couldn't begin to see heaven (or earth, for that matter) until I had been through hell.  For me, the only path to hope was through unbearable hopelessness.  I had to exhaust every other option until I could see what had always been there for me all along had I been able to let go and to trust.

The common saying is that the people upstairs at church in worship are trying not to go to hell.  We 12-steppers meeting in the basement have been to hell and are trying not to go back.  It's a pretty strong motivator.

And so my question to Godsgirl is this:  I'm not sure the burden you're trying to carry is good for you.  I'm not sure it's one you can keep carrying.  But even if you can carry it, I'm not sure that's what your husband needs.  Maybe, like me, he needs more pain.  Maybe he, too, needs his time in hell.  Maybe as long as you protect him from experiencing his own hell, he won't be able to complete that stage of his journey and to surrender to a new way.

Maybe he needs what you're trying to keep him from.

Are you sure your path is right for either of you?

I don't have answers, just questions.  But those are the thoughts and questions that come into the mind of this addict when reading your words.

Peace,

Tim M.

I am coming back in today to make a further response. Let go and let God :-) I thank you all so much for sharing. I am very grateful to have a site where I can remain anonymous J  listen to others experiences, vent out & discover my innermost thoughts & feelings & walk through this healing journey with those who understand the pain. This is for "me" Allalone......... as a "reminder to me" of what I must do. Please do not think that my disagreement is acted out anger towards my husband taken out on you....... It is simply my way of dealing with these things. "my" thoughts, my perceptions and my understandings of the scripture. Though we are brothers and sisters in Christ......... there are times that I must walk ......., in Christ alone, by myself. :-) DW......... please forgive me for high jacking your post :-) I just a need a place to express myself.......... (lol) Its great therapy! Forgive me for working through my battle in your post. This is what the Lord has put upon “my” heart....... this is how he would choose for "me" to walk.

I shall never be simply a leaf upon the tree J I have been grafted in to the branch.

 Paul shows us that the olive tree represents the covenants[/b] and promises [/b]to Israel, growing from its holy root.  The natural branches are the people of Israel.  Christians are the wild branches grafted in among the natural branches to “become a partaker with them of the root[/b] and fatness of the olive tree,” which God established.  (Romans 11:17)

I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit. Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned. If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. ]Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.”[/size]* (John 15:1-8)

Christ is the vine, and every individual Christian is an individual branch; every branch is an individual member of the vine, and every Christian is an individual member “of Christ.[/b][/font]

Colossians 2:9-10 I am complete ][/b]in Christ.[/b]
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.[/size]

Timothy 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love] and a sound mind. (He is still working on this one) For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

[size=Truly, truly, I say to you, He that believes on me, the works that I do shall he do also;]][/size] and greater works than these shall he do; because I go to my Father.


No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.][/b]

Philippians 4 v13 I can do] “all things through Christ” which strengtheneth me.

Though Christ carries the burdens for me [/b]J[/b] , I have been asked to put on the shield and armor and fight for my husbands soul. The enemy seeks to attack at every turn. Through my marriage vows, it is my commitment to stand by & for my husband, interceding whenever possible. In sickness and in health………. For better and for worse. I am willing to go on the offensive for him, against the attacks and the storms. Sometimes we must be as David and fight Goliath, knowing and believing that Christ is there to strengthen us & bring us victory. I choose to learn the way of rising up in the power of my Lord and become a warrior for his cause, through “his” spirit. The Lord will do my fighting but I will be the vessel. [/b]
Be strong] in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled round your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

No, but I'm saying that perhaps it's time to allow him to walk into his own hell.

I'm not clear about the nature of your help to him.  But one thing that happens a lot in families with addicts is that everybody pulls together to help the addict.  He's drunk and not at work, so we'll lie to the boss for him about his being sick.  He's emotionally immature and can't deal with stress, so we'll work mightily to keep stress away from him.  He'd be in danger if he went out to buy more booze as drunk as he is, so we'll go buy it for him.  He can't hold down a job, so I'll work two.  The list goes on.

In my opinion - and it's a common one among addicts and people who work with them - that kind of love and support, which shields the addict from the consequences of his own actions, doesn't help the addict.  It enables the addict to stay addicted.  The right response in those situations is to allow the addict to experience the consequences of his own actions.  That's not the family causing trouble.  It's the family refusing to protect the addict from the trouble the addict is causing himself.  It can be a confusing distinction at first, especially if we're used to rushing in to save, but it's a vital distinction.

Now as I say, I don't know what sort of support you're offering, but hearing how much burden you take on yourself and how many excuses you make for him, I just want to invite reflection about whether you are supporting or enabling.  I don't know your life, so I'm without opinions myself, but I wonder if some serious reflection on the question might not be time well spent.

Just a thought, of course.

Tim M.

Godsgirl,

I'm trying to ask questions, not to give answers.  You'll get better milage out of a counselor who knows you personally and who understands the problems of partners better than I do.  This conversation, in which you're asking my opinion about things in your marriage, is making me intensely uncomfortable.  I'm an outsider in multiple ways.  I don't know.

But I also don't want to ignore what you're asking.  So with all that in mind, hypothetically and in this addict's opinion, can staying with an addicted spouse enable addiction?  Sure.  As an addict, I can easily reason like this:

"My wife doesn't like what I'm doing, but she won't really leave.  So it doesn't really matter all that deeply to her.  I just need to hide what I'm doing a little better, and then I can have it both ways.  I get the addictive pleasure, and I get the stable home life, the companionship, the sex, the person shopping and cooking for me, the respectability that comes with marriage, the connection with my kids.  See?  I don't have to give anything up, and I can still use all the porn I want.  I should just try to be a bit more discreet and not rock the boat.  But even if I get caught again, I don't think she'll really leave.  I can smooth things over.  It's worked before.  I might have to really quit then, but not now.  I'll face that when I come to it."

A bit of background: over many years of addiction, I was caught and confronted once by my wife.  I also disclosed to her several times.  I would promise to do better, believe that I could, then fail and go back into hiding.  My wife was unhappy, but she did not confront me.  I'm not sure how much she believed I was doing better, and how much she just didn't want to ask and know.  There was a lot of "Don't ask; don't tell."  At one point, my wife told me that she would seriously consider divorce if I didn't quit.  I took this seriously as a statement of her unhappiness, but I didn't think she'd really do it.  I don't think my analysis of the situation was quite as calculating as the paragraph above, but I don't think it was very different from that.  This obviously does not make me proud.

In any case, I kept using, figuring I could get away with it.

Was there a better course for my wife?  I don't know.  She also benefited from the security and stability of our marriage, even if it was deeply deficient.  Perhaps staying was the best thing for her.  I'm certainly deeply grateful that we are still married.

It's interesting to wonder, though, what would have happened had she taken a harder line, saying that what I was doing was unacceptable to her and actually kicking me out.  What if she had allowed my violations of my commitments to have real, visible consequences?  I might have been so deep in denial and so frightened of showing myself that I would have accepted that divorce was the only option.  Had that happened, I think we would both be in a worse place today than we are.  But I might also have found sooner than I did that the pain caused by my actions was unbearable and that I needed to do whatever it took to get better.  Eventually I reached that point, but it needed many years of real agony before I did, years in which I caused a lot of damage to all of us.  Years that might (or might well not) have been avoided had she been more assertive.

So that's my story.  I faced only self-imposed inner consequences, and I stayed actively addicted for many, many years.  All that's fair enough.  It's my addiction, my responsibility to recover.  But it's entirely possible that all those years of not rocking the boat, of accepting my behavior, of not confronting me with real consequences, helped me stay actively addicted and helped both of us stay miserable a lot longer than I needed to.

Or maybe those actions were the best possible course, keeping us married until I could hit bottom and start to change.  I don't know.

Far more, of course, I don't know your situation.  Are you happier married to an active addict than out on your own?  Then obviously stay with him.  But if not, and if you are staying with him because you think it's best for him, then do reflect on how sure you are about that.  Because in that case, separating might not just make you happier.  It might also be the shock he needs to hit bottom and find new happiness for himself in recovery.  And it would be a pity for both of you to continue on in misery when you could both have joy.

That's all I have.  Some questions for reflection with people wiser and closer to you than I.

Tim M.

That's a beautiful letter, Godsgirl.  Well done.  Trying to be true to your marriage vows is not enabling.  Taking responsibility, or trying to "fix" him, probably is.  Guard yourself.......take care of yourself.......and never subordinate your needs to his self-centeredness.

My best,  DW