Forgiving, should not be this hard :-(

I am beginning to feel that way too. It is just so very sad...... I feel nothing for him in my heart right now........... there is only an emptiness. I thought that I would be strong enough to withstand the wounds that would come from this battle..... but the scars are so thick............. I am almost numb.......... It is so hard for me to believe that God would want me to spend the rest of my life with this struggle........... but that is all I can foresee........... It has been over 8 years now............. I am so weary...........

 

I find myself in the same situation Godsgirl. I have a past history of my father being addicted to porn and I found out about a month and a half ago about my husband's three year porn addiction. He kept asking me to let go and forgive that he'd been clean for a month but I kept having this nagging feeling. Anytime I wanted to talk about his addiction he would say it was embarassing, counterproductive and that I was just saying things to beat him over the head with what he'd done. He would tell me how good he'd been all month. Well come to find out he had LimeWired a music video with a woman writhing in a nude body suit and swinging inside of a cage. I can see he's still flirting with disaster. It may not be outright pornography in some peoples eyes but it was about as close as you can get. He said he didn't think it was that bad and that I wouldn't get this torn up over it...does he really think I'm that stupid? I know exactly why he watched the video and he LimeWired it to get around Internet browsing history. I had resisted the urge to check up on him for a month, to give him some trust and privacy, but he didn't even deserve that.

When I first found out about the porn itself I was depressed and pitied him. All I could ask was "How could you? Why would you". Now I am incredibly angry that he would act like he had been a saint for a month and that he was worthy of my trust. Being guilt-tripped and lied to a second time after begging him to tell the truth from now on just makes me incredibly angry and drains me of all positive emotions. I pleaded with him to be accountable with me and tell me of his daily struggles. I am so tired of hearing that the past is the past and this time he's for real. For two days now I have been lying around sleeping for as long as I possibly can...anything to avoid facing the day. I thought I had forgiven him but now question if I am staying with him for financial reasons and because I'm afraid of being alone. My family and I aren't close and I have no desire to become involved with another man again. My husband tries to hug and kiss me but I feel nothing...sometimes I think I just feel revulsion. His sincerity seems so convincing but I'm finding it hard to trust him anymore, and what kind of relationship can two people have if one doesn't trust and the other doesn't open up? I'm going to try marriage counseling as a last resort. I don't want to jump to conclusions but this has gotten worse instead of better and I don't want to invest much more of my emotions or time in this, if he is only going to let me suffer the rest of our relationship.

Thanks for your support hun. Unfortunately I thought this might pop up at some point in my marriage when my husband went through the mid-life crisis or something, but I never imagined it entering my marriage within its first year and I'm only 27. It has destroyed any faith I might have had left for the male gender. My husband's latest fetish was a half-asian girl who started making porn for "Barely Legal". He claims he didn't know that she was asian and that he thought she was "just a white girl". I really hope he doesn't expect me to believe that - there is no mistaking almond shaped eyes and dark hair. His other obsession was Shakira, who is from Columbia and is of mixed ethnicity. He claims he is just a fan of her music but I think men have a way of fantasizing to vocals of pop artists, whom they find attractive (after all, we all know singers like Britney Spears don't have talented vocals). He used to make Cds of Shakira's songs and play them in the car. I always asked him to turn it off because of how sexual the songs were in subject and vocals. He denies being hung up on certain ethnicities so I'm not sure what his problem is. I find it insulting because I have the same body type as these girls, small up top with a larger bottom. I am no perfect 10 but I was a premie and have always been small. I have kept up the same weight that he married me at while he has gained. It's so hard when I know I tried to be alluring and he let himself go and turned elsewhere.

I am so sorry that you found the porn after a year of thinking that maybe his addiction was done with. Eight years is such a long time to bear that burden and you are a strong woman, who he should feel very blessed to have in his life. Everytime a man betrays our trust, the harder it is to believe he's being honest "this time", or that he's even trying. It can be really frustrating. Whenever I am hurt I have a tendency to build walls but I fear alienating myself from him for worry he will feel deprived and be more tempted to turn back to porn. I think I've also had a major setback because I tried wearing lingerie again, a few days ago, and it just made me feel so dirty and objectified...as if I were competing with his loose women.

I confessed to my gynocologist back when this first happened and she put me on Lexapro for depression, which she suggested 6 mos. minimum. It made me feel like I had the stomach flu and I was so sick to my stomach and couldn't stick with it because I was starting a brand new job when my world came crashing down, and couldn't afford to run for the bathroom all through work. I also hated the way it made me feel zombified but maybe indifference to everything is what I need to get better. I also dread supposed side effects of weight gain, loss of libido, and inability to climax. It would kill my self-esteem and make recovery harder for my husband. I feel counseling is all I have left to help me at this point. I hope you will consider it as well, as sometimes it is hard to get men to talk. I realize a counselor can't force them but I think they can definitely coach things in the direction they need to go by being a mediator. Really dreading the expense though ...

Honeybee,

I'll slip out if you'd rather not hear from somebody on my side of the fence here, but one quick comment?  You write,

That's true, but I wonder if it isn't setting the wrong goals in counseling.  It sounds like you're looking at counseling as a way to fix him.  That's a noble goal, and he clearly needs fixing, but I don't think it can be your goal.

Facing the many emotional deficiencies that lead us into addiction is hard and terrifying work.  It's not something we'll undertake because of a little cajoling.  We have to be driven to it by complete desperation.  We have to become willing to face anything, however scary, rather than continue on as we are.  Until we reach that point, we're powerless over our addiction, and you certainly are powerless over it.

I hope your husband and all addicts become willing to face themselves and find freedom, but I think that fr your own well being it's important not to make that your job, but to face the fact that you can't make him better.

Instead, now is the time to place the mask over your own nose and mouth, looking after yourself before turning to the child next to you.  You're the one feeling pain.  You're the one unable to get out of bed.  Go to counseling to help you be better - better if you decide to stay with him, and better if you do not; better if he comes to his senses, and better if he does not.  That's a goal you can set for yourself, and a goal with which counseling can help you.

As DW asks,

How about now?

Again, apologies for stepping in if I should steer clear.  Just say.  I think it's awfully important, though, for people on both sides of the fence - for humans in general - to find, as the prayer says, the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace,

Tim M.