I have an "Accountability" question

Deleted
Deleted Member

Posts: 0

I have an "Accountability" question May 12, 2010 3:10:55 GMT -7

Quote

Post by Deleted on May 12, 2010 3:10:55 GMT -7

Hi All,

Looking for some information and suggestions. It has to do with the sex addicts accountability. Sex addicts are instructed to have an accountability partners. My husband and I are being told that I should be his accountability partner and even have another partner from SA.

So specifically, what does that entail? My husbands issues are masturbation and prostitutes. So does that mean every time he walks in the door I ask him.....Did you masturbate today? How many times? Did you hook up with a prostitute today? I'm not with him 24/7!

Here's my dilemma. First, his recovery is his business. I can't force him to go to SA meetings, meet with his therapist or stay sexually sin free. Yes, I can be along side him with encouragement and support, but I can't actually make him do the work. And, shouldn't I leave his recovery to him as my recovery is to me?

Second, according to SA, the ultimate goal is no sex with anyone (including himself) other than your wife. So am I supposed to still slap his wrists if he masturbates 3 times a day instead of 10? This is a man who has been addicted for 40 years! I'm not a fool to think it will turn off like a switch. I don't want to be placed in the roll of "mother" to him.

I would be interested in how any members have integrated "accountability" into their relationships!

(By the way, he thinks it would be helpful to be accountable to me. We just don't know how to do it!)

Thanks,

AllAlone

Deleted
Deleted Member

Posts: 0

I have an "Accountability" question May 12, 2010 4:05:49 GMT -7

Quote

Post by Deleted on May 12, 2010 4:05:49 GMT -7

Dear Allalone,

I think you've gotten some bad advice or misunderstand the accountability process. As I understand it, ideally the wife is NOT supposed to act as the accountability partner. In s-anon we are taught "You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it." Acting as the accountability partner flies in the face of that. As you correctly observe, it also places you in the position of "porn policeman" not wife. I think the external accountability is supposed to come from other men....and you are supposed to concentrate on your healing and the relationship. And I think you're quite correct.......a 40 year addiction will not evaporate. It will take time.

Best, DW

Last Edit: May 12, 2010 4:07:00 GMT -7 by Deleted

Deleted
Deleted Member

Posts: 0

I have an "Accountability" question May 12, 2010 4:17:29 GMT -7

Quote

Post by Deleted on May 12, 2010 4:17:29 GMT -7

Me as the "accountability" partner seemed a bit odd to me. But I did read in other posts that there are wives in that role.

I really don't think I need to be asking questions. After all, he an excellent liar when he wants to be. The key is that I can pretty much tell when he's lying by what he says, how he says it and how he acts.

All these years, I never even considered that any of the lies had to do with his sex addiction. So I guess it wasn't something I looked for. I just thought he would lie to avoid my wrath. We've had a sick "mother/son" relationship at times during our marriage.

Now that I know what his issues are, I doubt if I would casually brush a lie away. Too much is at stake now.

Thanks for the input.

allalone

Deleted Deleted Member Posts: 0	I have an "Accountability" question May 12, 2010 4:24:41 GMT -7 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Deleted on May 12, 2010 4:24:41 GMT -7 We married arrested adolescents. I think we can all relate to feeling like a Mother at times.....

Deleted
Deleted Member

Posts: 0

I have an "Accountability" question May 13, 2010 2:59:36 GMT -7

Quote

Post by Deleted on May 13, 2010 2:59:36 GMT -7

I would really like to know how long the two of you have been together and when you became aware of his addiction........ My husband was regularly with prostitutes on a weekly basis before we were engaged............ I found out a year in to our relationship about his addiction. That was 7 years ago. He is now at the point that I honestly believe in my heart he no longer sees prostitutes......... I believe he saw them up until a few months before we were married. I never could get proof or would acknowledge the possible signs... perhaps... but I knew and know in my heart he was remaining unfaithful. He was a 48 y/o bachelor w/ 2 children from different women and I believe the one of them, to have been a prostitute.... just not the "street walker" kind, like the rest of them. If I could have had explicit, undeniable, in my face proof....... I would have ran away from him & straight to the arms of God...... (where I am now because the pain is even "still" to great to bare............. alone..... I am telling you these things because you and I my dear are married to "severe" addicts................... Lets... see....... should you be your husbands accountability partner?

?? Only if you can stand to have a knife lunged in to your heart............ Can you do that hon? Because that is "how" it is going to feel. Im sorry.......... (I should not be giving my insights today) lol........... I cant believe that a counselor would recommend that........ Each time there is an occurrence or a slip up.......... the healing that you will have already done.......... or "thought" you did.... will be completely destroyed, and the wounds ripped wide open again and now there will be even more scar tissue to have to heal........ on top of what ever was there! Good news is??? Over time...... the scars will become so thick & calloused that your heart will become numb and your feelings will shut down............. do you still think you should be his accountability partner? No, I am "not" a professional, and can I say that I truly know what is best? No......... but because I am the addicts wife.................. and the one who lives it.......... I can tell you what you most likely have to look forward to by being his accountability partner......... When I "catch" my husbands slip ups...... and it seems like I always do......... Do I slap his hand? You bet I do! Do I call him out & set him down........ your darn right........ Do I throw out the porn that I find......... yep......... but not until after I rip it up or break it in to pieces (lol) I scold him harsh & quick and then I have no choice but to "let it go emotionally" .... if you dont... just being in the same room with him will make you want to throw up.... You will be playing the role of "mother" now for possibly a very long time................. whether you are his accountability partner or not. You will be on constant look out for danger.......... you will be scolding him like a child (out of anger) I dont care if you consider yourself the perfect woman or a Saint.......... when you get stabbed with a knife it hurts................... and you will not always behave like the calm........., loving, forgiving, understanding wife that you once use to be :-) I wish you much luck, happiness & success............ my prayers are with you.............

Deleted
Deleted Member

Posts: 0

I have an "Accountability" question May 13, 2010 5:12:48 GMT -7

Quote

Post by Deleted on May 13, 2010 5:12:48 GMT -7

Dear Godsgirl,

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. As hard as it may be to believe, I became aware of his addiction about 4 months ago. We've always had problems in the area of intimacy and emotional connection and went through counseling to address it. I think our marriage was at it's lowest point during the holidays of 2009. In January, I told him I was done and wanted out. I was sure that's what I wanted but was still trying to resolve my concerns about the kids.

He started seeing our therapist by himself and not long after revealed to me that he had been sexually abused as a child and his parents addressed the situation by never speaking of it and moving to another suburb. Throughout his teen years, he was left alone without any guidance or emotional support from his parents. Not long after that revelation, he told me of his sexual addiction and the control it had over him for the last 40 years of his life.

As I started to educate myself about sexual addiction, more and more questions came to mind. I knew he would masturbate occasionally, but certainly did not know it was 5 - 10 times a day. About a month ago, he told me that he had been seeing prostitutes throughout our entire marriage. He's a very skilled liar!

I've read a lot about sexual abuse and believe his addiction is directly attributed to the traumas of his childhood. He has a lot to work through and I know there is a long road ahead. As crazy as it may seem to others, I have a tremendous amount of compassion for him.

He's dealing with a lot and I want to help him the best I can under the circumstances. But right now I'm in sort of a "self-preservation" mode. And, I'm conflicted in wanting to help him but take care of myself at the same time. I'm beginning to think that right now, doing both is not possible.

I'd like to quote you...."Each time there is an occurrence or a slip up.......... the healing that you will have already done.......... or "thought" you did.... will be completely destroyed, and the wounds ripped wide open again". This is so very, very true!!! I know that because every time he revealed a little more about his addiction, I went through the whole roller coaster of emotions!. It really is a cruel way to live. Getting bits and pieces of his other "life" every now and then, leaves you wondering if there's more to come! Not to mention, all the horrific things your mind can imagine!

Our relationship right now is strained to say the least. We sleep in separate rooms and the thought of him touching me or showing any affection is non-existent. I'm still numb and beginning to wonder if I want to or even can, deal with any of his slips. I may feel differently later, but right now, this very minute, I feel I should be thinking about myself!

Thank you for your input

allalone

I have an "Accountability" question

Post by Deleted on May 12, 2010 3:10:55 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on May 12, 2010 4:05:49 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on May 12, 2010 4:17:29 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on May 12, 2010 4:24:41 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on May 13, 2010 2:59:36 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on May 13, 2010 5:12:48 GMT -7