Is there really such a thing as recovery?

 

Hi Allalone,
 
These are some very difficult questions, and as you noted tend to differ from couple to couple.  Over the course of counseling, I hope that one goal would be to gain a clear grasp of what a healthy relationship looks like, and for both of you to apply that understanding, as best as any of us sinful people are able, to your marriage.  If that happens, it is likely to require time to grow trust proportional to the length and depth it had been broken.  Trust only grows in an atmosphere of openness and honesty.  Your husband needs to realize that verifiability of things he tells you is important.  Notable changes in the absence of healthy interaction, or the presence of unhealthy behaviors are red flags.  Complacency is the enemy of any relationship, but vigilance can become unhealthy if it takes the form of constant paranoia/suspicion.
 
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for slips in acting out to occur.  Only you can determine how much and/or what form(s) would constitute a deal-breaker.  I would think that behaviors that put your health at risk would be a higher priority for consequences than something that does not do so.  My husband's issues were considerably milder than much of the heartache I have read here.  First, we worked on things just between the two of us.  There has been, to the best of my knowledge, one slip.  At that point we sought counsel from a pastor not our own.  He knows that if I find anything else, that it is our pastor with whom we will seek counsel.
 
My own experience, and that of many others that I have read, is that God is known for revealing sin, especially if asked to do so.
 
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker

Here's my dilemma.....

My husband is dealing with a tremendous amount of shame and guilt.  He's barely touched upon his issues of sexual abuse as a child.  Emotionally, he's going through a lot.

I recognize his addiction and the compulsion he feels.  After all, it's been his life for more than 30 years.  Something like that just doesn't turn off like a switch.  So I know he must be struggling.

Should I let him be and not add any more pressure to what he's going through?  Yes, I know I'm going through a lot myself, but should my outlet be S-Anon, my therapist and this forum?

We both see the same therapist, just not at the same time.  At my last visit, I voiced my feelings of being alone because of not having anyone to talk to besides her for my weekly hour.  She suggested S-Anon (at the time I was having great difficulty finding a meeting) or a friend who could be non-judgemental.  Honestly, I don't know how any of my family or friends could be anything other than judgemental!

It seems a bit silly to me...I talk to her about my concerns on Thursday.  She addresses them with him on Monday.  Then I talk to her for an update on Thursday. And on and on and on..... The next thing you know, a month has gone by and we're still talking of the weather!

We did find one "Couples Recovery" meeting. But they only meet on the first Saturday of the month.  Although we've been strong believers in God, we have not been affiliated with any churches and do not have a relationship with a pastor.

Truthseeker talked of learning about what a healthy relationship was and trying to integrate that in our marriage.  Should we be learning that together?  He has his time with our therapist and I have mine, but what if the same "curriculum" isn't on the agenda for the day?  This whole thing seems crazy to me.

But then again, patience, patience, patience!?!?!?!  I can ask him what he wants from this relationship but honestly, I think he's just trying to get through the day.


Thanks,

allalone

Dear Allalone,

Initially, I had to deal with the shellshock of the revelation, then I was just too angry to engage in any joint counseling.

Initially, all I could do was scream at him.  I flew through the hurt phase and set up permanent camp in the angry phase.  I think his attempts to blame me had a lot to do with that.  I'm still furious that he tried to blame me for his addiction.

At the two or three month mark, we started joint counseling.  I think that was an appropriate point to do that and joint counseling makes more sense if you can be civil to one another.  That nicey-nicey talk about the weather isn't going to heal your relationship.  Feel free to scream.  Compassion for the addict is one thing........subordinating your needs to his, again, still.......is entirely another.  It seems to me that wives of addicts are not good at self-care....always willing to subordinate their needs to the husband, the kids, the whatever.  Resolve to stop putting yourself last on the list. 

he's going to have to face the difficult stuff.  STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE ADDICT.  Let him have it.  We've sugar-coated for far too long.  We've subordinated our feelings for far too long.  Resolve to stop being the Stepford wife.  The Bible says that only a fool gives full vent to his anger....My thought is that only a bigger fool bottles it up.  Let 'er rip.  Establish a new balance in the relationship.  Let him know you will not be a doormat and that you will not put his feelings first.  YOUR FEELINGS will come first.  I am willing to bet that is a foreign concept to you.....and to other wives of sex addicts.  YOUR FEELINGS NEED TO COME FIRST.   YOU ARE AS MUCH OF A VICTIM AS HE IS.  Let it out......whether it's here, with your therapist, or with him.  Let him have it...and if he doesn't like it, that's just too bad.  If you bottle it up, it will eat you alive.

My best,  DW

I awoke this morning at 3:38 AM......thinking about the wives of sex addicts and how we have been conditioned to think of ourselves last, to only consider what we might like if everyone else is taken care of, to make sure we're doing the right thing for everybody else, etc.

In the recent posts here and in my own life, I'm seeing this with incredible clarity.

I say this to myself and to my "sisters," with as much love as I can muster:  STOP IT!

We really have to put ourselves first.  Start engaging in self-care.  Stop! stop! stop! caring for everybody else.


Let's start slow and small.  What one thing will you do for yourself today just because you want to do it?  I have to think about that....but will post it as soon as I decide what I will do strictly for myself today.

Hi Allalone,

Knowing that your husband's childhood sexual abuse has played a role in his adult acting out, I might suggest reading up on that in addition to your research about SA.  I'm not sure how that abuse impacts men and women differently, but I compiled a list of books in the resources forum a while back about healing from abuse, though I believe that most or all of it was directed toward women.

It may be a good idea to ask your therapist when/if  she feels that it will be time to work with the two of you together, or perhaps she could recommend a book that you could work through together about what a healthy marriage relationship looks like.

I'm afraid that my opinion differs somewhat on expression of feelings.  While I agree that it is tremendously important to be honest with your husband, and for him to listen to and validate your feelings, I believe that it is more productive to healing your relationship to do the rawist venting elsewhere, in order to maintain a safe atmosphere for two-way communication between you.  Each situation is different, and only you, perhaps with input from your counselor, are able to determine the extent for which tough love is necessary.  I am not in any way suggesting an absence of firm boundaries, but rather the biblical principle of the truth in love.

Praying...
TruthSeeker

"...sometimes that one small thing  might include NOT doing and not feeling guilty for not doing for someone else..."

AMEN SISTER JOANNE!  WELL SAID!!