It "sucks" to be me!

I'm an addict, and I won't try to respond to a pain I haven't felt, but one quick suggestion:

I don't see mention of phone meetings on the S-Anon page, but COSA has both phone meetings and a Yahoo discussion group for partners of sex addicts.  There's info at cosa-recovery.org/ .

Continuing to brainstorm, you could always drive the 100 miles, at least now and then.  Maybe you'd meet people you could be in phone/e-mail contact with, but whom you also sometimes saw in person.  Maybe there are people at the meeting who live in your direction, and perhaps you could meet those people halfway in between.  100 miles is a long way - twice as far as I have to drive to SAA meetings - but if you need it and it's all there is . . .

And maybe Alanon is worth a try.  Drunks don't necessarily give one HIV (though once you're drunk in a bar, other things can happen), but they get abusive and get in car wrecks with your kids.  There may be more connection there than you think.  I have attended open AA meetings when I couldn't get to meetings of my own fellowships, and there is a lot of good recovery there.

May you find the peace you seek!

Tim M.

Dear Allalone,

Please know that you are not "all alone."  I am very willing to help you in any way I can. 

I am a bibliophile by nature....maybe that's my addiction, but I will tell you that reading several books on this subject has helped me immensely. 

Marsha Means wrote the story about "the accident" wherein she analogizes and compares the innocent spouse, usually the wife, to the injured passenger in an automobile accident.  Here's a link:  www.awomanshealingjourney.com/articles/viewArticle.php?articleID=23

I found my husbands porn after 23 years of marriage, so I can relate to your agony.....and there's really no other way to describe it.  The world that you lived in pre-discovery no longer exists.  The man that you thought you were married to doesn't exist.  Everything that you thought you "knew" is now called into question.  Your life is upside down, in such disarray that you cannot imagine ever returning to any semblance of "normal" again.  Your heart pounds, thoughts race in and out of your head and you would give just about anything to return to the moment just before discovery so that you could turn your head and change the path you are now on.  That is how I felt during the weeks immediately following discovery.

But as you correctly and cogently realize, in your situation, ignorance is not bliss.  The reality is that your husbands extramarital activities involve physical contact and you are at risk.  First things first.  YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST.  Please make an appointment with your doctor and get tested for everything under the sun.  Shut him off.  He has forfeited all right to physical intimacy with you.

The children.........You may think the children are unaware, and I'm sure they do not understand the details, but I am equally certain they sense the tension in the house.  I think the uncertainty, the not knowing why Mom and Dad are angry or depressed creates unbelievable anxiety in them.  I think you need to come clean with them to an age appropriate level.  Reassure them of your love for them, let them know you are seeking help and getting the help you need.

S-anon meetings.......I found them tremendously helpful simply because I could talk with other women who have walked this path.  I would encourage you to find a fellowship of women with whom you can be 100% open and honest.  It may be worth driving the 100 miles.......or perhaps you should consider starting an s-anon fellowship that meets at the same time as your husband's SA meeting.  If there are enough men who are meeting, there are probably an equal number of women who are in the same boat as you are and are desperately looking for other women with whom they can share experiences.   My s-anon meeting meets at the same time as my husband's meeting, in the same church, different room.  My first s-anon meeting was surreal.  I found myself engaged in a kind of an out of body experience, looking around the room, looking at all the beauty and talent in that room, wondering "How in the *@#@$$@!) did we all end up here?"  We've been faithful to our marriages, raised or are raising our children, going to church, working, juggling multiple responsibilities, contributing to society, living "correctly" in the eyes of God and society, and still......here we are........and our experiences are so similar that we can finish each others sentences after meeting for an hour.  There really is no substitute for this.  You need fellowship with other women.

Your recovery........Please realize that you are grieving the loss of your husband.  Emotionally, you are a widow.  The man that you thought you were married to is effectively dead.  If he had physically died, you would have the support and understanding of family, friends, church, etc.  In this situation, emotionally you need that support, but it is unavailable because you feel you have to keep this a secret.  Please understand that you need to find a friend in whom you can confide and receive support.  You will go through the stages of grief.  I know that I did, and when I reached the anger phase, for me, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  If there are guns in your house, separate yourself from them now.  Place them with a friend for safe keeping.  You are or will be justifiably, righteously angry, and reason may succumb to emotion.  When anger hit, I quite literally could have killed my husband.  Please head that off at the pass now.

At 10 months post discovery, the pain and anger have subsided and I am resigned to the reality:  I am married to a sex addict.  I am equally resolute in the following:  I will live my life free of the effects of sexual addiction and pornography.  Either my husband gets it together (I've given him two years to get it together) or we will divorce.  I WILL NOT LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH AN ACTIVE SEX ADDICT.  I'll share some of the stops along the path I took to reach this point...........

"I want a mulligan."  "I've been duped."  "I entered this marriage under false pretenses."  "My life has been a lie."  "My marriage is a lie."  "I'm a moron."  "Why didn't I see this?"  "I am a victim."  "I will not be a continuing victim."  "I will live the rest of my life on my own terms."

I think all of those feelings are legitimate and common among women who learn relatively late in the game that they are married to sex addicts.  I really resented the fact that I was immediately labeled "co-dependent" or an "enabler."  BOLOGNA.   If we didn't know, how can we be co-dependent?  If we didn't know, how can we enable?  I enabled only to the extent that I kept the balls up in the air while he was emotionally and physically absent.  I enabled by being a competent and capable manager.  Is that a weakness?  I don't think so.  I will never acknowledge that as a weakness.

Marsha Means has written about the stress and trauma that we experience.  She seems to be the only author who understands that we are innocent victims and that we need care and treatment as much or more than the addict.  She has found that we suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of our husbands addictions.  She has written "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse".  I haven't finished it yet, but from what I've read, it is a good book.  I also recommend "The addictive personality" by Craig Nakken.  It's 120 pages.  Easy read, and it does a good job explaining the addictive process. 

Please feel free to write with questions....or to vent.  I will answer as time permits.

Praying for you........

My best,  Devastated Wife

Dear Allalone,

I found my husband's porn quite by accident.  You are fortunate that your husband reached the point of voluntary disclosure.  When I initially confronted my husband, he blamed ME for the fact that he "needed" porn.  I really think that is what triggered my rage.  You may avoid the rage that I felt.  I pray that you do.

My marriage had been on rocky ground since day one.  Prior to discovery, I'd hauled my husband to marriage counseling for two separate series of sessions......once from a Christian perspective.......another from a purely secular perspective.  The issues were his lack of engagement, inability to relate with me or the kids, etc......all classic signs and symptoms.  Neither therapist put it together absolutely, but the second therapist got close and that's when he stopped attending the sessions.  The common element here is that both of our marriages were in trouble because of our husbands emotional unavailability.   It is/was real.  It was not, as my husband attempted to allege, that I was overly "needy" or that I had "issues" with which to deal.  He was emotionally absent......as was your husband.  Don't let him or the therapist blame you for the fact that your needs were not being met.

The "ah hah" moments......I describe the discovery and realization that my husband is a sex addict as the framework into which all the pieces of the puzzle that I've seen over the years assembled themselves to create a technicolor picture.  In one instant, everything that I'd been thinking and feeling suddenly made perfect sense.  I had one ah-hah moment after another.  I can remember standing in my kitchen, screaming at my husband, detailing the litany of abuses....instances of neglect........and punctuating every point with "and it never occurred to you that your behavior, your porn and masturbation habit prevented you from bonding with me and the kids?"  The denial that they engage in, the stupor that overcomes them is just incredible.   My husband finally admitted to me that hardcore print media porn came into our first apartment before our first anniversary.  He also admitted that at the worst, he was masturbating "2 or 3 times a day."  It is my understanding that addicts typically under-report their activities by 100%......meaning my husband was masturbating 4 - 6 times a day.....and in his mind this was my fault.   The stupor and the denial are just incredible.

The kids.........Secrets are a common element in families with addiction.  I would urge you to come clean with the kids without them having to ask.  Chances are, they're not going to ask.  They'll bury the experience....until it creates issues in their own lives.  Then they'll deal with it.  One of the things I'm trying to do is to stop the cycle.  As you have clearly seen in your husband's life, this is cyclical.  The sins of the father are visited on the seventh generation.  You have to work to break this cycle.  Unfortunately, it will probably fall to you to do this.  Your husband is probably too sick to do it.

Compassion for the addict.......it is certainly not wrong to have compassion for the addict.  Please guard against allowing that compassion to be used as a tool of manipulation.   Please realize that you are the one who sees the situation clearly.  The addict is in a drug-induced stupor.   The drugs are naturally occurring, but drugs nonetheless.  A porn addicted brain and a cocaine addicted brain are not materially different on MRI.  For me, compassion means delivering a heaping helping of tough love.  The horrific abuse that your husband suffered does not grant him license to abuse and neglect you and the kids, or to break his marriage vows, or to visit prostitutes.  You have to be firm and resolute.  The buck stops here.  The abuse stops here.  The neglect stops here.  Either he gets it together or you need to leave.

Is recovery possible?  I believe that sex addicts can be in recovery.  I believe they will always be addicts subject to relapse and/or prone to transferring their addictions.  I think you will always constantly have to be on guard.  I will always have to be constantly on guard.  I'm not sure that is the way I want to live.  I pulled two years out of the air as the time limit primarily because that is the period after which a no-fault divorce will be granted in my state without the consent of the non-filing spouse.  I really don't know how long recovery typically takes.  it is probably different for every individual, but I am not going to spend any more of my life trying to make this marriage work if he is not actively in recovery.  I think that time frame has to be individualized, but I think you need to pick a date certain by which to make a conscious decision about the marriage.  I am not willing to muddle along and muddle my life away.  I think that is part of taking charge and refusing to be a continuing victim.

He's not helping you because he can't.  He's too sick.  The irony of this entire situation is that he is supposed to be the earthly protector, the earthly source of help and support........but he is in fact the source of your pain, the source of the problem, the whole reason you are in the mess you are in.  I can remember feeling this terrible conflict.  You want comfort from him, but he's the source of the pain.  There is an internal tug of war.  I remember it well.   You have to find the strength you need and the support you need outside of him.  Lean on our Heavenly Father, lean on the women in s-anon, lean on a few carefully selected friends.  It is a terrible irony.......but again......you are not alone.  You are not the first person to feel this.  You just have to find other sources of strength.

Praying for you......

My best,  DW