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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 7:42:04 GMT -7
I am new to the forum, and really grateful to have found blazing grace!
I have been married for ten years to a very reclusive, selfish, impulsive, charming man. He came from a very godly, loving home. He is a pastor's son, he is very intelligent. He neither fears nor loves God. He is either on the computer or his blackberry incessantly. I thought he was a believer when we married and eventually had three girls together. Now it is clear that I am totally unequally yoked.
I knew from the first week I met him that porn was part of his life. I have found it on and off through the years. I would confront, be angry, and he would say sorry and shrug it off. I was either in denial or filled with the faith that God would heal my man the way He healed me.
A couple of times I found sites depicting teen sex. I was alarmed, and still am. I have fought with him, until I am blue in the face:
"Don't you know those are real people?" I say.
"sure" he says nonchalantly.
"They are not 18."
"Oh yes they are. They are all ID'd''
"Who cares if you are 18 when you look like you are 13? Their bodies are like girls, not women."
"All men like young bodies. I think I am pretty normal. Men like young, firm breasts."
"How would you like it if I looked at porn of men with huge penises, and got myself off? Would you feel inferior?"
He laughs at me.
Then the next day he pouts and says, "that was a really hard conversation." Then, "if we just have sex every other night, I won't look at it. As long as you are nice to me and we have sex, I won't need to look."
Now I am in the position of being really responsible for porn in my home. What if I am on my period? What if I am sick?
I know he does not like my body and wants me to get implants. I never stand naked in front of him, as I feel too embarassed and ashamed. I am a size 4 and pretty, but I have had three kids, all breastfed. I have a lot of stretch marks, a saggy belly pouch and deflated, very small breasts (size aa). Also, I like sex and spent the majority of our marriage trying to get him to have sex with me; he rejected me a lot. He says I was unattractive (the baby years, when I was a size 10). We now have sex about twice a week, and I will give him oral sex if I am not in the mood. We never, ever make out. We have not 'french kissed' in 8 years. He absolutely refuses to. I can't look in to his eyes when we have sex, as I feel really embarassed/ashamed. I also do whatever he wants in bed, which is not what I want. I have to refuse him on a couple of things, but he always pushes to try to get me to do it. I give and he takes, that's the dynamic.
I know there is something wrong with me. Co dependent, like my mom.
I recently read an Atlantic Monthly article called 'Is Pornography Adultery?". It really got me thinking if my husband's porn use is adulterous. In my Christian soul, the answer is of course yes. But since he is not a believer, he does not subscribe to my morals. It would be unfair of me to hold him to my standards.
Is pornography adultery? Let me define: porn as images of people having sex, and the viewer masterbates to it.
I am not talking about anything else. I recently asked my husband:
"What if I paid to watch two people have sex, right here in my room. But I just watched and masterbated. I didn't actually touch them, and they are strangers. Would that be okay with you?"
"No."
"What if I just peeped on our neighbors having sex, would that be okay?"
"No."
"Why not? What is the difference? The people in porn are real people."
"It is different than real life. It is just a fantasy. Of course it is different, and it is ridiculous for you to suggest otherwise." he says in a kind of mocking way.
"Tell me in a logical way, HOW they are not real people. I want to know. Persuade me."
"I don't need to. You are being ridiculous." then looks at his blackberry.
He has told me that all men look at porn, and that it has always been a part of his life. He uses it for 'maintenance'. He is also a computer whiz and has our computer outfitted with a million different programs. The history is never saved, everything is locked down with passwords. It is not 'my' computer, it is his. He gets furious if he finds out I snooped, which I try to do.
I am now in a period of examination of my reality. I am considering purchasing a recon device to break in to the computer and find out exactly what is going on. On the other hand, he has told me (the iceburg tip I am sure) he is using porn. Perhaps I am looking for proof for grounds to leave him. Though I could have done that 3 years ago when he had an affair. I forgave him for that and God restored a lot of our relationship. But there has always been the porn.
I have been sweeping the porn under the rug for ten years. I wanted to believe it was his problem. But lately I have been going through profound, repeated times of despair. I read 'The Porn Trap', and the chapter on how porn affects wives. I could relate to every word in that chapter.
On the outside, our life looks great. We have wonderful children. On the inside I feel ashamed of myself, alone, confused and inadequate. I don't trust my husband. If he was having a flesh and blood affair, I would end the marriage. Is porn the same as a flesh and blood woman? Do I need to establish the type of porn/frequency to make the call? Is there much of a difference between playboy and full on sex videos?
One last thing. I think there is also a difference between a person engaging in lust without remorse, versus the humble and repentant person who struggles with lust. I actually have a lot of respect for christian men who continue to love and follow God, despite their weakness. Bravo to you men, because you haven't just thrown in the towel. Keep looking to God to fill your hurting hearts!
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 8:45:26 GMT -7
Welcome, Babette........ I will share what I have learned over the course of the last 10 months. My day of discovery was July 5, 2009. 1. You didn't cause this, you can't cure it, you can't control it. This is HIS PROBLEM, not yours. As Mike Genung clearly explains (paraphrasing), "you could be an 18 year old with a perfect body and give him all the sex he wants. It would not resolve the holes in his heart." Please see: www.urbansermons.org/f/wiki/healing-wives-whove-been-hurt-adultery-porn-addiction2. You are a beautiful child of God, perfect as you are, created in His image. YOU DO NOT NEED IMPLANTS. I really believe that cosmetic surgery is medically assisted self-mutilation. Please do not allow your husband to pressure you into getting implants or any other cosmetic surgery. He has saturated his mind with the images of the nip-tucked floozies---none of which are REAL. Please do not allow him to devalue you or allow him to set the standard by which you judge yourself. Are you healthy? That's the only standard that should matter. 3. Your needs for non-sexual affection and emotional intimacy are as real and legitimate as are his needs for physical intimacy. Please do not subordinate your needs to his "needs." If he refuses to meet your needs, please do not feel any obligation to meet his. You have to set a healthy boundary here. If you are sick, having your period, whatever, he needs to learn how to subordinate his "needs" to your very real needs. If he can't do that, then he's nothing but an arrested adolescent. The Jews take a very healthy approach to marital intimacy. The observant Orthodox follow the laws of family purity, which provide that husband and wife can only by physically intimate two weeks out of the month. The other two weeks, they are supposed to work on other aspects of their relationship. www.jewfaq.org/sex.htm4. Please do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. He has chosen to serve the god of lust, not you. You have given him three beautiful children. He should celebrate the changes in you, both physically and emotionally, not reject them. It is unreasonable to expect that you would not experience some physical changes as a result of motherhood. Strechmarks are medals of motherhood. Please don't let him devalue you. 5. He has to take responsibility and ownership of his choice to view pornography. He has to admit that he is an addict. He has to enter therapy, enter a 12-step program, and submit to any other requirements you may wish to inflict. He, through his actions, has forfeited all right to serve as the head of the household. You are going to have to take charge and take control. You are going to have to be tough as nails....please do not be afraid to do what know in your heart that you have to do. My best, Devastated Wife |
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 9:27:31 GMT -7
I am sick in bed today, so I have had some time to do a little resarch on the laptop. The kids are having a heyday with me out of commission!
I came across an interesting article about pornography and adultery by Mark Larson of the North Charlotsville Church of Christ. Here are some of the exerpts:
Clearly, adultery (or fornication) starts in the heart where sin is first committed: “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. "All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man†(Mark 7:21-23).
. “Mental Adultery†as a Cause for Divorce Is Too Subjective: Suppose you catch your spouse looking at a pornographic web site or magazine just one time, would you then feel justified to put him away? No? How about twice, maybe three times, or four? Suppose you catch him or her flirting with another, will you then file for divorce? Maybe him watching a sensual TV show or browsing a women’s lingerie catalog will be enough to provide just cause. Such examples demonstrate that mental adultery as a cause for divorce is left up to the whim and opinion of the individual, rather than the authority of Scripture. Such a standard will be based not on the Word of God, but on the degree of emotional hurt of an offended spouse. Furthermore, this puts the husband or wife in the inappropriate and impossible position of “searching the heart†of his or her spouse.
In contrast, physical adultery is not determined by the subjective estimation of a spouse whose feelings have been hurt. With physical adultery, there is much more certainty. Either he (or she) committed adultery (a form of fornication) or he did not.
Well, unless you are Bill Clinton!
Actually, I don't think I can quite agree with Mr. Larson's conclusion. There is much more gray area. Truthfully, I think I would rather my husband had a one night stand on a business trip with a flesh and blood person, rather than years of corrosion of his heart and mind, wanking away.
What Mr. Larson has not included here is the content of the porn, or the frequency of usage. Put together, they constitute serious betrayal.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 9:37:45 GMT -7
Devastated wife,
I like your pointing out that my emotional needs are just as important as his sex needs. I feel like sex is put at utmost importance, a lion that must be tamed continually. I think I am going to point that out to him.
As for getting help, he seems to believe his behavior is normal, just like all the other dudes out there.
I would like to improve my life without expecting anything from him. My therapist pointed out that is exactly WHY it is so easy for him to step all over me. I won't fight for him to do things that make me happy. I would rather just ignore him and improve my life. That was how I was getting by. Until recently (read my post 'Is pornography adultery?')
I am now having a hard time getting by. Every day I fantasize about leaving the marriage.
Here is an interesting question: What if rather than setting ultimatums and begging for therapy, why don't I just look him square in the face and tell him I have no reason to stay married but for the sake of the kids? I have no respect for him and wish I didn't have to be with him.
Wouldn't that make a person either know how awful they've become, or decide to leave me? Should I just be blunt and honest with him? I know he doesn't know I feel this way.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 11:18:48 GMT -7
Hi Babette,
I'm not sure that I agree with the author of the article you quoted either. By the wiggle room he gives, how physical does an affair have to become to count as adultery. Where does it begin between flirtation and penetration?
It does not, in the least, matter if your husband rejects God's standards of purity for marriage, especially since he fraudulently lead you to believe that he was a believer to begin with. I think DW has given you sound counsel here. If he wants to save the marriage, it is he who must prove himself faithful to continue, getting counselling, and learning to treat you lovingly.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 11:48:02 GMT -7
Do you mind an addict's take? I'll run along quietly if you do.
On another board on which I'm a member, a wife whose husband had an affair and is a porn addict writes, "And it is all my fault don't you know...I wouldn't forgive him for the affair...compared to the porn an affair is chump change." I was blown away by this breathtakingly blunt analysis from somebody who's experienced both.
I think the analysis that mental adultery is too subjective to count as grounds for divorce doesn't come anywhere close to describing the realities of porn addiction.
In the course of my addiction, I've had long periods of time where I was using every day, sometimes hours every day. I spent money I didn't have. I ignored my wife and kids. Because of the shame and pain of the addiction, and the need not to feel, I became completely emotionally unavailable to my family. Angry at myself and seeking conflict which justified my isolation and seeking fulfillment alone, I erupted at my wife and kids in unpredictable, abusive rage. And I did all this for year after year, gradually sinking deeper and deeper into depression and indifference and distance.
Now, I don't have a neat Bible verse to say that it is justified to leave someone who behaves like that. But personally, I don't see why one would need one. Behavior like that is so far beyond the acceptable, so obviously and deeply painful and harmful, that any effort to suggest that it should be tolerated is just unbelievable. Sure, life is full of hard cases requiring uncertain judgment calls, but if Mr Larson thinks that requires one to stay married to an active porn addict, then Mr Larson is completely clueless about what it's like, and he should stop preaching and start listening.
(Of course, Mr Larson may not think that. His examples are about viewing porn a handful of times, not viewing - how many images did I see over 40 years? Hundreds of thousands, for sure; probably millions. His examples have no relevance to our situations.)
Is one justified in divorcing a partner who is never present, never caring, who is distant and abusing and hurtful to one and to one's children? Of course. Of course.
Having said all that, of course I'm also grateful that eventually I began to learn how to live a different life, and that my wife has elected to stay with me. But should I sink back into active addiction, she would be entirely justified in giving me the boot, and should probably do so for the sake of the kids.
That's my life and my opinion and nobody else's, and I realize I'm imposing on your conversation as a guest. But Larson's analysis is so far off base from the reality of porn addiction that I can't help but comment.
Anybody who crafts an argument that the spouse of an addict needs to stay with that addict is enabling abuse and is dead, dead wrong.
Of course, that's just how it seems to me, and I've been wrong before, plenty of times. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 12:08:09 GMT -7
Thanks TM2. Congrats on your recovery! Way to be a man!
Yes, I agree with your analysis of Mr. Larson. He sounds like an older gentleman who doesn't know much about computers, or web cams...
No, I don't mind you posting here. Maybe you can answer the question: In your heart and mind, is acting out to hardcore porn similar to having sex with flesh and blood? Did you think you were being unfaithful to your wife?
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 13:05:33 GMT -7
Yes. I buy the description of what I've done as visual adultery.
I don't have an opinion on the relative hurtfulness of my actions versus physical affairs. I'd like to say that what I've done hasn't been that bad, but the reality is that my addiction has consumed far more of my time and energy than any physical affair could have. It's created a much more pervasive pattern of isolation and abuse. So while it hasn't involved the physical and emotional betrayal that go with affairs, it may well have been more emotionally damaging to my wife and kids than would have been the occasional fling.
At bottom, though, I don't have an opinion on the relative weights of those wrongs. They're both really, really wrong.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 14:52:41 GMT -7
aw sweetie my heart goes out to you...your husband (now this is my opinion) is trying to keep you dancing with his games which to me are bordering on emotional and mental abuse, please stop second guessing your own BETTER JUDGMENT. and do not in anyway compare yourself-nor let yourself be compared to trash! you know the Truth because he lives in you. YOU my sister are a child of the Most High made in His image after His likeness - so how could you be anything but perfect? you already have very good advice on this forum from both side of the fence. the Lord will give you the strength to do what ever he's telling you. do not be afraid.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 17:01:10 GMT -7
Dear Babette,
I stayed married to my husband "for the sake of the kids" when I should have left, "for the sake of the kids."
I now believe that we all would have been better off without him. I think it is better to know you have no emotional support than to look for that emotional support from a husband/father and receive only the occasional crumb of support.
This is a hard call. My belief was that if there was surface level "peace" in the house, ie no open fighting or conflict, the kids were better off in an intact family situation. I'm no longer secure in that belief. My kids seem relatively normal now, but I wonder what will crop up later on. Their father did not value them, would not voluntarily spend time with them or take an active interest in their lives while they were young. Now that they are 19 and 21, they can step into his world, and there is more of a relationship, but I question how much damage was done during their younger years. My husband never assumed his place as the spiritual head of the home. My kids never saw him pray or read the Bible. I think their faith is stunted as a result.
I feel as though there were times when I was not the Mother they deserved because I was so emotionally empty as a result of the years, no DECADES, of abuse and neglect. Emotionally, I was like the mother who gave her children the last morsel of food she had, but starved herself to death, leaving the children without a Mom. I would caution you to guard against doing the same thing. YOU NEED AND DESERVE EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND. If he will not engage with you emotionally, eventually, you will starve to death and where will that leave your children?
Only you can realistically assess the situation and your emotional reserves. Please, please, please do not neglect yourself or your emotional needs. They are real and legitimate.
As to improving your life without him......not asking him for anything.....I agree with your therapist. That is exactly why he will continue to act like the self-centered adolescent that he is. You continue to move forward without asking for anything from him. Why would he change? He is enabled. He can continue in his own little self-centered, sex-centered world. You've maintained the fantasy that there is a relationship in order to keep yourself going. That fantasy is breaking down. You know that in your heart. The fantasies about leaving the marriage are the manifestation of that. Perhaps you should listen to that voice---decide to leave or force your husband to meet his marital obligations. Stand up for yourself and your needs. They are real and legitimate. Your needs are not being met. It is natural to want to have your needs met. I think it is perfectly acceptable to tell him that the only thing keeping you in the marriage is YOUR FIDELITY to YOUR marriage vows. Praying for you......
My best, Devastated Wife
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2010 5:04:03 GMT -7
Wow, you all are great! People like us, we are huge believers in LOVE. Maybe we are too idealistic, maybe we are dreamers. Not sure, but I like these voices that are rising up and not giving up.
I often try to think if I was the next door neighbor to myself, and I was listening to me talk. What would I think the right course would be? It is so much easier to make the call for someone else. If my daughter was in a relationship like this, what would I advise her to do?
Sadly, my mother hates my husband and refuses to see him at all. She comes to visit the second he goes out of town for business. She says she does not trust him. She thinks he is controlling and I have low self esteem. But she is not a believer, so she doesn't think my desire to honor my vows before God are valid. Interestingly, she left my philanderer father after 15 years of being repeatedly cheated on. I think she is crazy for staying with him that long! My mother is one of my heroes. By the way, my mom looked like Sophia Loren when my dad was stepping out. My dad still laments how he messed it up with her. But he never changed and he is now a dirty old man.
Beside the attempt to see myself more clearly, I now need to make a game plan.
Need some advice here.
I have the huge insecurity that I am an overly sensitive woman, who is blowing things way out of proportion and that I have unrealistic expectations for my husband, and that I am just ungrateful (this is what he tells me I am).
In order to prove that I am not, should I gather evidence that cannot be denied? Should I get the recon device and search the computer? Then confront? This way he can not deny it.
I would also appreciate any men in recovery to comment.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2010 5:51:27 GMT -7
I have the huge insecurity that I am an overly sensitive woman, who is blowing things way out of proportion and that I have unrealistic expectations for my husband, and that I am just ungrateful (this is what he tells me I am).
In order to prove that I am not, should I gather evidence that cannot be denied? Should I get the recon device and search the computer? Then confront? This way he can not deny it.
Dear Babette, Your husband is using your insecurities against you. My husband did the same thing. Don't buy into it. It is a lie. I used to think "if only I cooked more......if only I cleaned more........if only....if only..if only.....he would take notice and engage with me and the kids." THAT IS FALSE. It is a deception designed to keep you off-balance. DON'T BUY IT!!!!! He used to openly sneer at me when I clearly expressed my need for conversation. After I did, I think he consciously tried to see how few words he could speak to me. Your husband is sick and twisted, not you. Addicts will do anything they have to to justify their behavior. He puts you down.......scapegoats you and the kids to justify his habit. Here's what you tell him: "Swing and a miss, buddy! Nice try. I'm not going to allow you to devalue me, the kids, or to deny my very real needs. Henceforth and hereforward, here's the way it is going to be......." It probably makes sense for you to get the recon device and to search the computer simply to gather evidence and so you know what he has been looking at. Before I confronted my husband, I had indisputable evidence in my possession, in my office, so that he could not destroy it and deny it. You have to be three steps ahead of him. Before confrontation, I had reviewed it. I was never tempted to compare myself to the filth I found, but I did want to know the depth of the depravity I was dealing with. If I'd found kiddie porn, I probably would have killed him....but knowing what he had been looking at allowed me to craft a specific response to his predictable attempt to blame me. Fortunately, I thank GOD I had found this site and read Mike Genung's writing on the subject before I confronted him. I steeled myself and prepared this response: "Your attempting to blame me for the fact there are pictures of girls our daughter's age, tied up with rope, professing to "want it" on your computer?" Even the addict saw the stupidity and futility of going down that road. I followed with: " I hereby unequivocally refuse delivery for any portion of the blame for your addiction." I would urge you to gather evidence simply so you can craft a specific response to him. Please do not compare yourself to the fillth. Please don't go there. My husband also tried to weave a tale for our therapist about how he viewed women as equals, yadda, yadda, yadda. Because I had reviewed what he had on his computer and had the evidence that he was using headshots of women with whom he worked to make "fakes"...ie pasting their heads on nude bodies, I was able to call a BS foul on that. I think knowledge gives you power. Please do not use it as a basis of comparison...only use it against him....not yourself. Before I confronted my husband, I'd also seen a divorce attorney, toured condominiums, drained bank accounts and brokerage accounts, gotten all the valuables out of the house, changed my beneficiary designations on life insurance and IRA's and told a couple of close friends that I was not suicidal and to blame my husband if I turned up dead. Only you can decide how much of that you need to do........but be smart. Be three or more steps ahead of him. Find your voice. Don't take any of his nonsense. My best, DW |
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2010 11:39:53 GMT -7
You have heard that it was said, "Do not commit adultery. But I tell you anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:27,28
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Post by teetop on Jul 6, 2016 23:52:17 GMT -7
I am sick in bed today, so I have had some time to do a little research on the laptop. The kids are having a heyday with me out of commission!
I came across an interesting article about pornography and adultery by Mark Larson of the North Charlotsville Church of Christ. Here are some of the excerpts:
I Spent a good part of the day trying to run down, Evangelist Mark Larson as he no longer is the Pastor in Charlottesville, Virginia. And as I finish this off, I'm still waiting for a phone call where he's living now.
I pasted a little more of what his Blog/sermon covered on the topic: Is Pornography Grounds for Divorce?
Thanks to Babette finding this great article and Evangelist Mark Larson, who wrote three other Blogs within the context of the same topic, (Links below) I am better able to understand the depths of my own fleshly depravity and denial of the truth..
"Clearly, adultery (or fornication) starts in the heart where sin is first committed: “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. "All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (Mar_7:21-23). Those who think such evil thoughts are already unclean or offensive to God and must seek His forgiveness (e.g., Act_8:22).
Is Mental Adultery Equal to Physical Adultery in Every Way?
By Jesus’ own words, “mental adultery” is equally sinful before God as actual, physical adultery: “... everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Mat_5:28). Jesus goes on to warn us of the Eternal consequences of lusting (Mat_5:29-30). Thus, either mental or physical adultery can condemn our souls to Hell if not repented of (Heb_10:26-27). We are no better off in the sight of God when we commit sin in the heart than when we physically commit the sin.
Unmistakably, there is a sense of “equality” between the two. Does it, therefore, follow that if a person catches his or her spouse lusting after another person (e.g., flirting) or viewing pornography that he or she has grounds for divorce? After all, adultery is a form of fornication and fornication is the cause that Jesus allows for a person to put his or her spouse away (divorce) (Mat_5:32; Mat_19:9).
“Adultery in the Heart” Is Figurative, not Literal Adultery.
Immediately following Jesus’ warning against adultery in the heart (Mat_5:28), Jesus explains just how seriously we should fight against it: "And if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. "And if your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to go into hell” (Mat_5:29-30). In both passages, Jesus uses figurative language to get His point across more vividly. In verses 29-30, hyper boles are used. A hyperbole is an “obvious and intentional exaggeration; an extravagant statement or figure of speech, not intended to be taken literally, as in “to wait an eternity” (From dictionary.com). Jesus is not advocating self-mutilation. If we pluck out the right eye, we still have the left one that remains and even a blinded man may exercise his imagination and lust in his heart. Instead, what Jesus is teaching us, through figurative language, is that we must make whatever sacrifices which are necessary in order to resist sin, no matter what the price (e.g., TV, Internet, certain friends, career, etc.).
The “adultery in the heart” of Mat_5:28 is no more literal than Jesus’ discourse of plucking out the eye or cutting off the hand that causes a person to stumble! Adultery (moicheuo), by definition, is unlawful sexual intercourse, specifically with another person’s spouse (See Thayer & Vine definitions). “Adultery in the heart” does not involve the physical act of adultery, for it takes place in the heart, not the body. The adultery committed in Mat_5:28 is figurative, not real or physical, yet nevertheless a sin, an offense to God.
Both Are Sins, Yet Have Different Consequences.
Whether adultery is committed in the heart only (Mat_5:28) or with the body also (Rom_13:9), sin has been committed. However, each type of sin does not result in the same exact consequences. While both kinds of sin can condemn a person eternally, there are significant differences in the consequences or results that each one brings.
Mental adultery makes one morally unclean before God (Mar_7:21), yet it is not a sin against the body like physical adultery is: “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body” (1Co_6:18). Moreover, adultery in the heart is a private or individual act that does not require the joint participation of another person and his or her body like actual adultery does: “Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a harlot is one body with her? For He says, "The two will become one flesh” (1Co_6:16). Adultery in the heart simply does not result in the same kind of consequences (e.g., unholy sexual relations, pregnancy, disease, etc.). Of course, adultery in the heart can eventually lead to acting on those thoughts (Jas_1:14-15), but this is not always the case.
One of the possible consequences for committing adultery (not mental adultery) is to be put away (divorced) by your spouse for fornication and thereafter have no right to remarry another (Mat. 5:32; 19:9). When Jesus taught that fornication is the only just cause for divorce, He used the word literally, not figuratively. A person cannot lawfully (scripturally) put away his mate for viewing pornography any more than an angry person can rightfully be put to death for his temper by the state! (Mat. 5:21-22; cf. Rom. 13:1-5). Pornography and wrath, for example, are both wrong (Gal. 5:19-21), yet they do not lead to the same exact consequences as actual adultery or murder does. Both can condemn our souls to Hell (if we fail to repent), yet each has different consequences for us while on earth.
“Unfaithfulness” Does not Always Mean Actual Adultery.
Commonly, we try to be discreet when speaking of the problem of adultery by saying: “He was unfaithful to his wife.” Yet, when we do so, we are not being specific as to the nature of the unfaithfulness. This leads to generalizations and misunderstandings. Furthermore, this gives the impression that any type of “unfaithfulness” (as defined by us, not God) is grounds for divorce, when in fact Jesus specifically taught that there is only one kind of unfaithfulness which is just cause for divorce – the cause of fornication (Mat. 5:32; 19).
In the Old Testament (in the NASB), to commit physical adultery is to be “unfaithful” to one’s spouse (Num. 5:12, 27). However, unfaithfulness is not restricted to such a narrow definition in the Scriptures. A case and point is the idolatrous behavior of the Israelites. Through the prophet Ezekiel, God declared to them: “... they have committed adultery with their idols...” (Ezek 23:37). Their idolatry was unfaithfulness to God (Ezek. 20:27-28). By failing to put God first and obey Him (e.g., put away idols), they were unfaithful.
Similarly, whenever a husband or wife displaces his or her loyalty and is no longer committed to the marriage, then it can rightly be said that he or she is being “unfaithful.” Failure to love (Eph. 5:25; Titus 2:4) and the shunning of martial responsibilities (e.g., 1 Cor. 7:3-5; Eph. 5:22-31; 1 Tim. 5:8, 14) is a demonstration of unfaithfulness. Certainly, “adultery of the heart” such as flirting with others or the partaking of pornography would be acts of unfaithfulness (Mat. 5:28). However, such does not constitute grounds for divorce. Only the cause of fornication does (Mat. 5:32; 19:9).
Physical Adultery Is Definitive, Mental Adultery is not.
If mental adultery is allowed to stand as a “just and lawful” cause for divorce, by what standard will it be decided that “mental adultery” has been committed? How will a person know, for certain, that he or she has a right to put away his or her spouse?
“Mental Adultery” as a Cause for Divorce Is Too Subjective: Suppose you catch your spouse looking at a pornographic web site or magazine just one time, would you then feel justified to put him away? No? How about twice, maybe three times, or four? Suppose you catch him or her flirting with another, will you then file for divorce? Maybe him watching a sensual TV show or browsing a women’s lingerie catalog will be enough to provide just cause. Such examples demonstrate that mental adultery as a cause for divorce is left up to the whim and opinion of the individual, rather than the authority of Scripture. Such a standard will be based not on the Word of God, but on the degree of emotional hurt of an offended spouse. Furthermore, this puts the husband or wife in the inappropriate and impossible position of “searching the heart” of his or her spouse. To the church at Thyatira, the Lord Jesus declared: “I am He who searches the minds and hearts” (Rev. 2:23). Indeed, only God has the power, the special ability to search a person’s heart and know exactly what it contains (1 Kings 8:39; 1 Chron. 28:9; Jer. 17:10; 20:12).
Physical Adultery Provides Actual, Scriptural Proof: In contrast, physical adultery is not determined by the subjective estimation of a spouse whose feelings have been hurt. With physical adultery, there is much more certainty. Either he (or she) committed adultery (a form of fornication) or he did not. There is no in between or middle ground about it (Unlike trying to determine if your spouse has committed mental adultery - Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t!).
Jesus tells us plainly what the only lawful cause for divorce is: “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery” (Mat. 19:9, KJV). Jesus also said: “He who rejects Me, and does not receive My sayings, has one who judges him; the word I spoke is what will judge him at the last day” (John 12:48, NASB). Jesus specified what the acceptable cause for divorce is, thereby excluding all other causes a person can name (e.g., pornography, “mental divorce,” emotional abuse, etc.). Only by standing upon the word of Christ will we have full assurance before the Lord on that last day."
posted by Mark E Larson | 5:32 PM
DEFINING MARRIAGE
The Deception of Pornography
Is Pornography Grounds for Divorce?
Winning the Battle Against Pornography
Babette said: Well, unless you are Bill Clinton!
Actually, I don't think I can quite agree with Mr. Larson's conclusion. There is much more gray area. Truthfully, I think I would rather my husband had a one night stand on a business trip with a flesh and blood person, rather than years of corrosion of his heart and mind, wanking away.
What Mr. Larson has not included here is the content of the porn, or the frequency of usage. Put together, they constitute serious betrayal.
It always tickles me when we grasp at grey areas.
I once took some extra credit classes with at the time, my live-in girl friend and daughters to; "Rape and Child abuse" classes at swocc(South Western Oregon Community College). And the first thing the instructor started with was, the Incest story of; 'Lot and his two daughters', trying to put the blame all on lot and not the sins of the daughters. (Let us remember 1Co 10:12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.) Our Instructor used the story of Lot to show us not to jump to conclusions nor pr-judge some one by our emotions.
Again, I want to thank Babette for leading us to Evangelist Mark Larson,s Blogs. His last Blogs ended in 2008, September I think.
May God's peace Bless you.
Virgil
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