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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2010 4:41:51 GMT -7
I will try to make this as short as possible. I have been a follower of Christ for over 20 years....... strong faith. So much so that I foolishly chose to marry my husband, believing that "God" actually chose him for me & that "he" would fix him and I wouldn't have to (lol) therefore.. it wasn't a mistake or bad choice but my "purpose" in life :-) my calling.... blah..blah..blah... :-) I now know......... the devil is a great deceiver......... though it has taken me several years to acknowledge that I was duped!! :-) Please forgive my sarcasm and cynical attitude at this moment, for it is with much pain that I write. I prayed for a Christian man.... I spoke to God like he was my Santa Claus............. I cried my eyes out seeking his answer to my prayer & gave him my list of must haves..... then I "foolishly" vowed right then and there to God........ that if "he" sent me the "one" and I knew for sure it was him, that I would not leave him.... I would not run away... I would accept him faults & all and quit trying to find my perfect man. I would take who ever God sent me and leave the imperfections, hows & whys to him. The next morning my eyes still puffy & swollen....... I met my husband at work. He was exactly what I had asked for! Nice chest and all....... I know........ Im bad...... and he was wearing his companies work shirt that said Christian xxxx & xxxx !! ( he owns the company) I believed right then & there he was the one! God had answered my prayer... and why not? He always had in the past. ( I now believe it is satan who has been magically / deceiving me all these years....... :-( anyways... sorry so long...... "Two years" later my husband finally asked me out...... I was already dating someone else ( for 3 months) ........ I did not want to miss this opportunity from God though... !! So I prayed for 3 days and spent much time in my room over the weekend and decided to break up with the man I was seeing and go out with my husband. 1 year in to our relationship, I had a horrible dream that the I was standing outside of my future husbands bedroom looking up at the moon. There was a TV in the sky and I was waiting to see what was on it, (it was very important in the dream) then the moon fell apart and fell to the earth......... I woke up sad and empty..... knowing something was terribly wrong....... though I already knew this in my heart as my future husband was emotionally unavailable...... the next day it struck me...... duh............. he always had a video camera in his room by the TV..........!!?? I had asked him about it before but he had some lame excuse I "wanted to believe" I clumsily figured out how to hook them up together and watched in horror......... him having sex with black prostitute........ after prostitute........... (We are Caucasian) so this puts an added twist of the knife in to my pain.......... for I can never be that black woman that he wants to have sex with ;-( I can not believe I am sharing this with you......... I am afraid my story is too long........... if anyone replies, I will come to complete it......... I am just not feeling like finishing right now.......... Im sorry............. it is very painful......... I need to stop for moment.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2010 8:24:15 GMT -7
Hi Godsgirl,
Take your time.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2010 10:43:32 GMT -7
Thank you........ I will be back to finish......... in a way it feels good just to vent..... I feel so alone sometimes, though I know that God is with me........ Prayers are welcomed & very appreciated :-)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2010 13:03:48 GMT -7
I forgot to mention something very important :-) I am not leaving my husband....... I have accepted our life together............. or should I say rather.....? My life with God? I "will" stay to battle for him & with him........ I just need a place to share ............ thanks...
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2010 16:48:28 GMT -7
Hi Godsgirl,
Lots of self condemnation, bitter regret and disbelief over your choice in a husband. No matter how much you kick yourself, you just can't turn back time. I know exactly how you feel.
Since there is no turning back, we must learn from our mistakes and wise up. There has to be a second chance in the wisdom department, right? We might have been foolish before, but let's decide to stop being foolish now.
I pray God will give you deep, rich wisdom to know what His will is, and to stick up for yourself. You have been terribly humiliated.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 1:05:27 GMT -7
Godsgirl,
I think we can all relate to your pain and the anguish we all feel when we realize that we've been duped. In my case, for 23 years.
I confess, I have a very negative view of the male of the species at this time. I guess being married to a sex addict for 23 years will do that. Perhaps you should ignore my words as this really is a vent. The last two or three months have been really bad. Seems to me that men operate with the complexity of a rubber band. Sex is still the Lord of my husband's life. I thought he was making great strides. LOL. Right now, I'm convinced "Men are scum, Women are stupid." There is a book written by that title that purports to tell women how to find decent men, written by a man. Pfft.
I watch men in groups, I watch male behavior in public and I see hunters, not men who are capable of or have any interest in creating a lasting relationship. I see the way they look at women and it is incompatible with relationship. They are sexual hunters. We all want to believe that a man exists who will love and care for us because he loves and wants to care for us. That is a fantasy. The only reason a man enters into a relationship is to secure a source of sex. So, on the one hand, when I read your post and I see that you are committed to staying with your current husband, my first question is "why?" Why would you commit to stay with a man who has violated your trust, his marriage vows and hurt you so deeply?
On the other hand, I really don't think any decent men exist. I think every stereotype of the male of the species is true. If they are all alike, and I'm convinced they are, why bother trading in the devil you know for the devil you don't know. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of leaving your husband, however. If you are going to put the Lord on the throne of your life, you have to leave that door open, you have to allow the Lord to make that decision. If he's not willing to make a change, leave him. There is no reason you should continue to expose yourself to disease and abuse.
When I die, I really hope that I get some time to ask questions. I want to know how many of the differences between men and women were part of His plan for our lives and how the fall messed up His plan.
I will add you to my list of prayers.........
Signed, Old, Bitter, Devastated Wife
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 4:03:41 GMT -7
As God's thoughts are higher than my thoughts, and His ways higher than my ways, I am completely insufficient to explain why sometimes He grants the miracle of restoration in our relationships, and other times He does not. I simply stand as a testimony of His gracious work of a beautiful marriage for which I am profoundly grateful.
Praying for all...
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 6:05:45 GMT -7
'Miracle of restoration'
That nails it. Restoration, redemption, repentance...all are spiritual mysteries. God gives the power and grace, the sinner receives.
Why do some reject Him, and others embrace Him? Also, what is the purpose of God's timing?
For sure, our men are deeply deceived. But what about us? The evils of women involve idolizing men. Doing anything for male attention. We will risk the safety of our own children for the sake of a man's attention. I find this to be just as disgusting as whatever men do. Or, we simply deny the truth so as to not lose the affection of men.
Just think of what porn stars do for male attention. Women will do most anything for men. Remember what God said to Eve: 'your desire shall be for your husband and he will rule over you'.
It is a miracle that God has saved us at all. But He has! What does it now mean that Jesus broke the curse in the garden? What does it mean for us, when our husbands have turned away from Christ?
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 6:32:04 GMT -7
I am at work now and can not respond as I would like to.......... I will be back to continue though soon! I dont believe my husband is physically with women anymore.......... I truly dont! I believe that I would find out somehow........ once bitten......... always on the look out ya know? But about once a year or so I do find his porn............... and it sickens me just the same.......... I always "feel" it in the house........ and know its time to look for it :-( when I do........ it rips back open all of the old wounds........ and the healing "goes on"............ I dont trust men any more either "Devastated" not truly................... I believe I have been damaged beyond ever having total trust again........... Thank you Babbette and to you, Truthseeker.......... I am holding on to the kind of faith that you speak of!!!!!
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