Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2010 16:10:05 GMT -7
I have to get this out, all of it... And it'll be long so I promise I understand if you don't read it all lol...
I met my husband and fell in love almost immediately, I always had a strong feeling something was wrong with him... Maybe something with porn, with children, with sex, I wasn't sure. I ignored it though, telling myself that I was sure it just stemmed from my own childhood of being sexually and physically abused. (Random fact: I also suffered from "porn addiction" at a very young age... 6-14ish because of my past) None of the cautions mattered to me, he was everything I ever wanted.
Well... Long story short, even with his bad temper and crazy mood swings, I ignored every bone in my body and married him. One day I got on my computer, checked the history, and BAM! There it was, loaded down... The images made me sick, violently ill. He was sitting just across the room from me when I ran to the bathroom and began to vomit. He got mad that I accused it of being him, he said it was sick and he'd never do that... The next day his story was "what if I'm so messed up I dont remember looking at it..." excuse. Then finally I used mind games(in a way) to coax it out... and he admitted that it was him, he has struggled with it for most of his life, and he finds himself sick and twisted and beyond the help of God. He blamed God a lot when I found out, and he was in no way a religious man then, though he did have roots in church from his mom who he is very close to. I took time to explain the real God to him, explain how he was to get help and the only One who could help him... We slept seperately for about 2 months as he "worked on himself". I always knew he wasn't trying as hard as he should, but I wanted to believe it so bad that he easily convinced me he was changed, but then one day his temper which had been slowly getting better came out FIERCELY. I knew something was wrong, I didn't know what though. That next day during a nap, which I rarely take, I had very vivid sexual dreams of me enjoying sexually immoral acts and awoke KNOWING something was WRONG. I can give all thanks to God that He has help heal me of 90% of the emotional, physical, and mental problems I obtained from my childhood, so I knew the dreams weren't something I wanted. Sure enough, 2 days later I found dirty porn sites on his phone! he didn't have access to the computer, so he found a way... We had a huge fight, but I was going to hang in there with him... Until the next week after I caught him he stayed angry. Yelling, hitting things(never me), bad temper, finally I told him I wanted a divorce. I couldn't take HIM breaking our marriage vows then being mad at ME for it!
Well... He spent a good 2 weeks after that doing everything in his power, honestly everything to change. He began talking to our pastor, getting a handle on his temper. I saw a changed man, not healed, but in the process. I could see that he really had a DESIRE to make God his focus, and heal. He wasn't lieing or faking it this time, and I knew it... He gave me his phone, but... One sunday night I was at work and he "slipped" I found it four days later, on our playstation 3 internet browser. before I found it I asked him, because I knew something was wrong. God has been good at revealing to me when something is wrong... He lied and lied and got so mad at me that he called his mom (who he recently told his problem to) and told HER I was accusing when he hadnt done it!!! The next day I found the sites and confronted him. He was so mad he broke both cell phones we had, punched out my car window, and 2 new holes in the wall... yeah... This anger of his is only this bad when the porn shows up... It isn't anger at me, it is anger and hatred toward himself... Inward turmoil, I believe.
Anyway... the anger stayed another 3 days or so... Until he finally began pushing hard back into praying and reading, he is even finally considering going to group meetings... He tells me "even if you give up, I'm not giving up" and told me plain and simple I wasn't getting a divorce, because he KNOWS he can change, and he KNOWS that not only can he, but he already is changing. Well... Needless to say, by this point...
After knowing he looked on his cell phone while laying in bed beside me when I was asleep, after seeing the sick things he watches... After seeing those women I will NEVER be like and knowing that is who he WANTS... I am broken, ashamed, and feel like all the progress God made with healing me from my past, the devil is trying to rip back open with my husband...
Now.. My college major is psychology, and I have studied it several years... So from a psychologist stand point I understand it, but I can't seperate my emotions from it like I sometimes feel he wants me to... I just can't. I'm too hurt... The devil has used this to bring me down SO MUCH from where God had put me.. But at the same time, it has drawn me WAY closer to God... It has made me need Him more, that is for sure!
Thank you for letting me vent... Finally.
I met my husband and fell in love almost immediately, I always had a strong feeling something was wrong with him... Maybe something with porn, with children, with sex, I wasn't sure. I ignored it though, telling myself that I was sure it just stemmed from my own childhood of being sexually and physically abused. (Random fact: I also suffered from "porn addiction" at a very young age... 6-14ish because of my past) None of the cautions mattered to me, he was everything I ever wanted.
Well... Long story short, even with his bad temper and crazy mood swings, I ignored every bone in my body and married him. One day I got on my computer, checked the history, and BAM! There it was, loaded down... The images made me sick, violently ill. He was sitting just across the room from me when I ran to the bathroom and began to vomit. He got mad that I accused it of being him, he said it was sick and he'd never do that... The next day his story was "what if I'm so messed up I dont remember looking at it..." excuse. Then finally I used mind games(in a way) to coax it out... and he admitted that it was him, he has struggled with it for most of his life, and he finds himself sick and twisted and beyond the help of God. He blamed God a lot when I found out, and he was in no way a religious man then, though he did have roots in church from his mom who he is very close to. I took time to explain the real God to him, explain how he was to get help and the only One who could help him... We slept seperately for about 2 months as he "worked on himself". I always knew he wasn't trying as hard as he should, but I wanted to believe it so bad that he easily convinced me he was changed, but then one day his temper which had been slowly getting better came out FIERCELY. I knew something was wrong, I didn't know what though. That next day during a nap, which I rarely take, I had very vivid sexual dreams of me enjoying sexually immoral acts and awoke KNOWING something was WRONG. I can give all thanks to God that He has help heal me of 90% of the emotional, physical, and mental problems I obtained from my childhood, so I knew the dreams weren't something I wanted. Sure enough, 2 days later I found dirty porn sites on his phone! he didn't have access to the computer, so he found a way... We had a huge fight, but I was going to hang in there with him... Until the next week after I caught him he stayed angry. Yelling, hitting things(never me), bad temper, finally I told him I wanted a divorce. I couldn't take HIM breaking our marriage vows then being mad at ME for it!
Well... He spent a good 2 weeks after that doing everything in his power, honestly everything to change. He began talking to our pastor, getting a handle on his temper. I saw a changed man, not healed, but in the process. I could see that he really had a DESIRE to make God his focus, and heal. He wasn't lieing or faking it this time, and I knew it... He gave me his phone, but... One sunday night I was at work and he "slipped" I found it four days later, on our playstation 3 internet browser. before I found it I asked him, because I knew something was wrong. God has been good at revealing to me when something is wrong... He lied and lied and got so mad at me that he called his mom (who he recently told his problem to) and told HER I was accusing when he hadnt done it!!! The next day I found the sites and confronted him. He was so mad he broke both cell phones we had, punched out my car window, and 2 new holes in the wall... yeah... This anger of his is only this bad when the porn shows up... It isn't anger at me, it is anger and hatred toward himself... Inward turmoil, I believe.
Anyway... the anger stayed another 3 days or so... Until he finally began pushing hard back into praying and reading, he is even finally considering going to group meetings... He tells me "even if you give up, I'm not giving up" and told me plain and simple I wasn't getting a divorce, because he KNOWS he can change, and he KNOWS that not only can he, but he already is changing. Well... Needless to say, by this point...
After knowing he looked on his cell phone while laying in bed beside me when I was asleep, after seeing the sick things he watches... After seeing those women I will NEVER be like and knowing that is who he WANTS... I am broken, ashamed, and feel like all the progress God made with healing me from my past, the devil is trying to rip back open with my husband...
Now.. My college major is psychology, and I have studied it several years... So from a psychologist stand point I understand it, but I can't seperate my emotions from it like I sometimes feel he wants me to... I just can't. I'm too hurt... The devil has used this to bring me down SO MUCH from where God had put me.. But at the same time, it has drawn me WAY closer to God... It has made me need Him more, that is for sure!
Thank you for letting me vent... Finally.