needing incouragement

Dear Tired,

You didn't cause this.  You can't cure it.  You can't control it.  This isn't about you or what you do or don't do.  It's not about the time you spend together or not spend together.  Don't let any counselor lay a guilt trip on you.   It's him.  It's ALL him.  Please don't accept any of the blame.  None.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  None.  You are the victim.  You have been victimized.  Please do not allow yourself to be a continuing victim.

Something I learned from counseling and s-anon:  "You're only as sick as your secrets."  Anything that we work to keep secret has tremendous power over us.  Once it is brought into the light of day, it loses power over you, over the addict.  Your husband needs to join a 12-step program and come clean with other men.......who can serve as accountability partners.   For your own sanity, you need the support of other women who are going through this same thing.  You should probably join an s-anon group.

Reading books and going to private counseling alone will not solve or cure this.  The origins of this addiction are multi-faceted, and each of the facets needs to be addressed........all the tentacles of this addiction need to be severed......or else, AS YOU HAVE CLEARLY SEEN, it will return.

1.  The psychological roots:  Dr. Patrick Carnes has found that 80% of sex addicts were sexually abused as children.  I'm sure that abuse set your husband up for this.  A good counselor should be able to help your husband heal these wounds and heal the cleaving or cleft of the soul that results. 

2.  The religious or spiritual roots:  There is no question in my mind that this is spiritual warfare.  We have been called to the front lines.  The devil has identified and exploited our husband's weakness.  We need to put on the whole armor of God and go to battle.  Our husbands have chosen to fill the God-sized holes in their hearts with smut.  Your pastor should be able to help you fight the spiritual battles.

3.  Neurochemical:  On MRI, the porn addicted brain is not materially different from an opiate addicted brain.  Our husbands have learned to self-administer naturally ocurring, endogenous opioids by masturbating.  At the root, this addiction is also a drug addiction.  Most competant sexual addiction counselors suggest a period of 60 -90 days of complete abstinence where they go through withdrawl.   This is necessary to correct the neurochemical mess they've made of themselves through compulsive masturbation.

4.  Behavioral:  Our husbands must learn to substitute healthy "feel good" behaviors for masturbation.  Our husbands have learned to prefer the predictable mood alteration that accompanies porn/masturbation to the unpredictable mood alteration that accompanies relationships with PEOPLE....real people....who dare to have real wants and needs of their own.  Our husbands no longer appreciate the simple, beautiful things in life....like a beautiful sunset, a beautiful hillside that is alive with fall colors, flowers, spring rain, the smell of spring rain, a brisk walk, a conversation with a loved one, a nice meal.  Behavioral modification has to be a part of his treatment, but it cannot be all of his treatment. 

All facets must be addressed or he will fail.

If you have been dealing with this for 5 years, without meaningful recovery, then I'd say it's time for a different approach.  I tend to deliver a heaping helping of tough love..........Clear, unequivocal ultimatums, legal documents, seizure of assets, insistence on counseling and a 12-step program, church attendance, etc.  I am now nearly 9 months post discovery.  My husband is doing better, but he's not cured.  He will never be cured.  He will always be an addict in recovery and if I ultimately stay with him,  I will always have to watch my back.   Only you can decide how much tough love you are willing to dish out.........and whether you are willing to accept any porn or the effects of porn in your life.  I have adopted a zero tolerance policy.  If I find any evidence of porn in my house, he's gone. 

The screen name that you've adopted suggests that you are worn down.........tired of dealing with the effects of porn in your life.  I don't blame you.  It is exhausting and debilitating.......if you allow it to be.  Claim power and control over your life.  You may be powerless over the addiction, but you can claim power and control over your life..........live it as you alone see fit.  Please do not allow yourself to be worn down by this, controlled by this or manipulated by this.  SEIZE THE POWER for yourself to live your life according to your morals.  If your husband is not living up to his marriage vows or your moral standards, are you better of with him or without him?  Only you can decide.

My best,  Devastated Wife

"in sickness and in health" is the vow you took.  I applaud you for trying to keep it.

Let me remind you that HE took a vow to keep himself only unto you as long as you both shall live.

Don't let him play you........not for a minute.........not for a second.

If you are going to be bound to your vows, he has to be bound to his.  If he breaks his, are you bound by yours?

I've struggled with this.  "In sickness and in health" only goes as far as he is showing me real dedication and progress.  All else is just theater and I refuse to play along.

Please do not allow yourself to be played.

Praying for you and your husband............