Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2010 6:18:23 GMT -7
I found this article to be scientifically based, and very interesting.
Available here: www.jenniferschneider.com/articles/couples.html
Snip-its, Bold emphasis is mine:
"...A key finding in the survey was that the addict must be actively involved in a recovery group for at least a year before the partner is willing to forgive and begin to trust again, even when he or she is also working on their own healing from codependency. We have encountered many addicts who are perplexed, resentful, or impatient because they have been doing "all the right things" for several months and yet their partners are still distrustful, angry, and keep rehearsing the past. It will be helpful for counselors to inform couples of this typical time frame and to counsel patience during the first year.
Another interesting finding was the tendency of men (mostly addicts) to underestimate the level of forgiveness by their spouse. One possible reason for this is the addicts' guilt about past behaviors and about pain caused to the partner. Talking about forgiveness might be a fruitful topic of discussion for recovering couples.
Another area of miscommunication involved decisions about what sexual behaviors were considered unacceptable in recovery. One-third of couples had differing perceptions about what boundaries they had agreed on. The counselor can facilitate open discussion about this topic, which is particularly relevant in view of the finding that 31% of addicts reported a non- masturbation relapse at some time during recovery.
These specific gaps in communication were symptomatic of a more general lack of skill in communication and conflict resolution. Many addicts and coaddicts grew up in dysfunctional families where open expression of feelings was not allowed and where effective problem solving was never modeled. They can benefit from education about techniques of conflict resolution such as using "I" messages, writing letters to each other, agreeing to listen without responding until the other person has finished, crafting a "fair fighting contract," etc. ..."
"...A period of sexual abstinence, typically 60-90 days, is now a standard recommendation in the early treatment period. The survey results supported the benefit of such an intervention for most couples, but also raised some cautions. Because both sex addicts and coaddicts often equate intimacy with sexuality, many have little experience in being affectionate or close without being sexual. The counselor may need to educate clients about the importance of non-genital touching and non-physical affection. The purpose and goals of the abstinence period should also be discussed with the couple. Discussion of the abstinence period needs to be individualized with each couple...."
"...Balancing the needs of the individual with the needs of the relationship is an ongoing theme in couple recovery, as these needs may sometimes conflict. Because the coupleship can be only as healthy as the individuals in it, we believe that solid individual recovery is the cornerstone of successful relationship building. The counselor may need to explain this to the person who complains of the time their partner spends at 12-step meetings and other recovery activities, or who is unsupportive of an abstinence period. Carnes (1991) described the time frame of recovery for addicts and coaddicts. In the first 1-2 years, the emphasis needs to be on individual recovery for both members of the couple. Support for the coupleship may be garnered by meeting with other recovering couples..."
Available here: www.jenniferschneider.com/articles/couples.html
Snip-its, Bold emphasis is mine:
"...A key finding in the survey was that the addict must be actively involved in a recovery group for at least a year before the partner is willing to forgive and begin to trust again, even when he or she is also working on their own healing from codependency. We have encountered many addicts who are perplexed, resentful, or impatient because they have been doing "all the right things" for several months and yet their partners are still distrustful, angry, and keep rehearsing the past. It will be helpful for counselors to inform couples of this typical time frame and to counsel patience during the first year.
Another interesting finding was the tendency of men (mostly addicts) to underestimate the level of forgiveness by their spouse. One possible reason for this is the addicts' guilt about past behaviors and about pain caused to the partner. Talking about forgiveness might be a fruitful topic of discussion for recovering couples.
Another area of miscommunication involved decisions about what sexual behaviors were considered unacceptable in recovery. One-third of couples had differing perceptions about what boundaries they had agreed on. The counselor can facilitate open discussion about this topic, which is particularly relevant in view of the finding that 31% of addicts reported a non- masturbation relapse at some time during recovery.
These specific gaps in communication were symptomatic of a more general lack of skill in communication and conflict resolution. Many addicts and coaddicts grew up in dysfunctional families where open expression of feelings was not allowed and where effective problem solving was never modeled. They can benefit from education about techniques of conflict resolution such as using "I" messages, writing letters to each other, agreeing to listen without responding until the other person has finished, crafting a "fair fighting contract," etc. ..."
"...A period of sexual abstinence, typically 60-90 days, is now a standard recommendation in the early treatment period. The survey results supported the benefit of such an intervention for most couples, but also raised some cautions. Because both sex addicts and coaddicts often equate intimacy with sexuality, many have little experience in being affectionate or close without being sexual. The counselor may need to educate clients about the importance of non-genital touching and non-physical affection. The purpose and goals of the abstinence period should also be discussed with the couple. Discussion of the abstinence period needs to be individualized with each couple...."
"...Balancing the needs of the individual with the needs of the relationship is an ongoing theme in couple recovery, as these needs may sometimes conflict. Because the coupleship can be only as healthy as the individuals in it, we believe that solid individual recovery is the cornerstone of successful relationship building. The counselor may need to explain this to the person who complains of the time their partner spends at 12-step meetings and other recovery activities, or who is unsupportive of an abstinence period. Carnes (1991) described the time frame of recovery for addicts and coaddicts. In the first 1-2 years, the emphasis needs to be on individual recovery for both members of the couple. Support for the coupleship may be garnered by meeting with other recovering couples..."