Restoring Self-Esteem for the Wife and the Addict

Thank you, TruthSeeker.  I appreciate your thoughts.

It became clear to me this evening that this voice in my head is telling my my husband has relapsed.

His reasoning skills are non-existent again.  Either there is a serious mental-cognitive problem, or he's back into active addiction.

I suspect I know the answer, I just don't have the proof, nor have I confronted him with my suspicions, but no one who is not in active addiction could be so stupid.

Thank you again, TruthSeeker, for your kind words of encouragement.

My best,  Devastated Wife

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“Because of the weakness and imperfection of human nature, and the great frailties of man; for such is the weakness of man, and such his frailties, that he is liable to sin continually, and if God were not long-suffering, and full of compassion, gracious and merciful, and of a forgiving disposition, man would be cut off from before him, in consequence of which he would be in continual doubt and could not exercise faith; for where doubt is, there faith has no power; but by man’s believing that God is full of compassion and forgiveness, long-suffering and slow to anger, he can exercise faith in him and overcome doubt, so as to be exceedingly strong.”

His powers are unlimited, but we must do our part in order to access them. The first part of the equation is found in choosing to believe in Him and that He is a kind, wise, understanding and compassionate God. The second is that we must go to work. One must study the language of recovery and apply the principles taught. ... Having a plan of action is critical to move forward. I love the words of Victor Hugo, who said, “He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidents, Chaos will soon reign.” The scriptures teach us that “faith without works is dead,” (James 2:20) and that, “it is by grace we are saved after all we can do”.

This implies that we must put forth effort. When one is doing their part, they should feel confident that God will sustain them and help them. The one thing we must do to access this power is found in the principle of faith. “But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him” (Hebrews 11:6).

Faith is exercised by making a choice to believe. The one thing God will not do is force us to believe. We must make that choice ourselves!

Recovery (not just the addict) begins in the mind with faith. “O then despise not, and wonder not, but hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him”

Here is a portion of a letter from one of our clients spouse that may help you:
"During that 5 years, my emotions were on a rollercoaster. Originally, I was devastated and blamed myself. I thought if I was prettier, a better wife, more available to him, etc. that it would solve the problem. I was working full-time, going to school full-time, and trying to be the “perfect” wife. The stress of everything affected me to the point where I had to go on antidepressants. I remember one night after my husband had a particularly hard day that I almost didn’t come home from work. It was only because I couldn’t think of a good excuse to tell my parents as to why I wanted to stay at their house that I went home. I was embarrassed about my husband's problem and didn’t want anyone else to know.

After multiple times of being hurt, my feelings turned to anger. I was mad at my husband for not being able to just stop and mad that I had to deal with the problem. I felt like I had to be his mother and constantly “police” him which I resented. Next, my emotions turned to indifference. This was when I began to get scared. I put up multiple walls around myself to avoid getting hurt anymore. When my husband would tell me he had a slip, I would just ignore him and pretend like everything was fine. I flip-flopped through these emotions many times over the years.

The trust we had in our marriage had been gone for a long time and I wasn’t sure it would ever come back. Every time I went to work or left my husband at home, I was worried he would slip again. When he would call me at work or when I was gone, my first thought was always that he had slipped again."

Hopefully this helped.