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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2010 12:23:10 GMT -7
My heart is just torn up over this. My brother-in-law is going to be married in about a month, and I really doubt that his fiance knows that he too is addicted to porn. He is a recovered drug addict and alcoholic and she knows that and accepts that, they met after his recovery. She views him as a changed man (which to that degree he has), but I know he still has a problem with porn. It is so difficult to talk to her, because I want to warn her about the pain that is ahead, she is a really strong Christian and has a beautiful spirit and I do not want to see her hurt, but I wonder if talking to her is the right thing. Will she listen, when she is so blissfully in love? Will she be mad at me years down the road when/if she finds out and knows that I knew? I just wanted to get some feedback from others. Maybe this is bothering me so much because it is so front and center in my life right now, but I want to spare her the pain. Of course, if I said something, my brother-in-law would be furious. What to do?
Praying for all affected by this and hoping to prevent others
Empty
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2010 14:54:25 GMT -7
This isn't remotely a situation I've been in. I have no advice. Perhaps, though, by thinking out loud, something may suggest itself to you?
Your brother-in-law has an obligation to be honest to his fiancée. The ideal thing is for him to inform her, not for you to inform her. For you to be in the middle feels very unpleasant.
So is there a way to insure that your b-i-l does what he should? You could confront him yourself, but that still places you in the middle. Is there some trusted third party who could be informed of the problem, and who could then confront the b-i-l? The clergyman marrying them? If they have undergone any sort of premarital counseling, then the person providing that counseling?
Whoever confronted the b-i-l would need to be strong enough to be willing to inform his fiancée should he refuse.
It's also possible that the b-i-l could inform but minimize and leave both himself and his fiancée deluded. "I used to have this habit, but I promise to end it now." I've said things like that, and I've believed them, and I've been completely wrong. I don't see how to keep that from happening.
Some people in this situation would consider informing via anonymous mail or some such. It's hard to be wild about that, but it's a possibility.
It's not comfortable to say that this is a personal thing between the two of them, and not your affair; but that is also a perfectly possible action.
I'll quit. I don't know. Not a happy situation.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2010 3:48:17 GMT -7
Hi Empty,
I think Tim had some great ideas.
In my opinion, I would make sure that this comes to light somehow, because I think that if I were her, and found out later that anyone knew and didn't tell me, that I would indeed feel betrayed and furious.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2010 1:54:13 GMT -7
Dear Empty,
This is a tough question. If/when confronted, your BIL may say and may believe that he will not be tempted after marriage. That is a delusion.
Your BIL's fiancee has to know BEFORE she takes the wedding vows.
I would probably sit down with her, explain what has gone on in your own life and suggest very strongly that she ask your BIL straight up about his use of porn.
If she's in tune, she'll understand what you are telling her without telling her.
She may ask if you know something about your BIL's use of porn. If she asks, I think you have to be honest about what you know and you must be prepared to tell her how you came into possession of the knowledge.
In my opinion, and this may be worth precisely what you paid for it, the finacee absolutely MUST know before the wedding. If she does not know, then I believe she will be entering the marriage under false pretenses and a fraud will be committed against her, for which she will have little or no recourse.
If someone was about to defraud the financee of money, would you intervene? Would you attempt to protect her? Is this different? Isn't the gravity of this situation even greater than a monetary fraud?
Praying for you and all those who have been impacted by this addiction.
My best, Devastated Wife
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