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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2009 4:50:37 GMT -7
When I was young, it was fashionable to view women as victims and men as evil oppressors. My Dad worked hard to disabuse me of that. He said: "Women control all the sex and money in the world. Why do you think they lack power?" I realize now that set me up to believe that sex is power or that sex is the most important sign of love. Wrong, Dad. I love you anyway.
For a long time I bought the lie that women could do anything a man could do, only better, faster, smarter, etc. I also bought the lie that a woman could have it all: A challenging and fulfilling career that demanded 60 hours a week, a family, a husband, etc. The result was I was strung out and stressed out all the time. If I was at work, I was guilty about leaving my kids and neglecting the house. If I was at home, I felt guilty about leaving work and what needed to be done there. It was a nightmare. I decided to leave work, raise my children, and return to the workforce when they were older. The result: I became totally dependent on my husband for support. I am rebuilding my career, but I've really had to start over.
When I left work, the balance of power in my marriage shifted tremendously. This is when he openly started sneering at me, and when I believe lust took over. Shortly after I left work is when I hauled him to Marriage Counseling for the first time. Looking back over the decisions I made, I wonder if I made the right decisions. Right now, I find that I would do anything to help a woman who is in a bad spot. Generally, I have a very negative view of men. I'm trying very hard not to generalize. The Tiger Woods revelations took me back to the point of revelation. I feel for Elin.
Going forward, how would you advise women to balance work and family so that they are never totally dependent on their husbands?
There is no greater joy in a woman's life than that afforded by raising her family. But I don't think I can or ever will advise my daughter to do anything other than to seek a career and maintain it, fitting the family in around it. My s-anon sisters are trapped precisely because they cannot support themselves. The men in their lives seem to realize and exploit this.
I'm struggling to find the right balance and to figure out what to tell my daughter. I would appreciate any advice and prayer.
My best, Devastated Wife
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2009 8:08:42 GMT -7
Hi DW,
Wow! That is a tough question. I'll have to mull it over.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2009 14:38:27 GMT -7
Approx. 20 years ago during a very rough patch in our marriage (now I know alot of it was directly related to my husband's addiction ) I informed my husband that I was no longer going to follow him, I was going to follow God. And I did ( to the best of my ability ! ). Because my husband did not he has suffered greatly and missed out on some great relationships ( with me and the kids ). But I must say I have had the most fulfilling life knowing and being loved by my Father. I raised and homeschooled our two children and loved every minute of it. I worked 2nd shift sometimes when we needed extra money, when the kids were older I started a Dance Studio, now I work an almost full time job ( at the place my husband works ! ) and still have my Studio. I have teachers working for me at the Studio - And I believe it's all because I depended on God, not myself or my husband. Since I found out that my husband had a major struggle with addiction ( work & sex ) temper and lack of intimacy most his life I truly felt bad for him. Yes, believe me I have been greatly hurt - it's been over 6 1/2 months and I haven't found my old self who truly loves life, yet . But, because of my relationship with my true Father I know I'm OK ! As we say around here "you've got OKness". 'Cause when I let God be my life, I just knew no matter what - everything was going to be OK. God works everything for His glory. I hope and pray almost constantly that my husband builds a strong relationship with his Father, but I know 'cause I know 'cause I know I'm not the one who has lost out.
I want what God wants for my daughter, but I have no idea what that is - so I trust God. She's soon to be 24 yrs old. Has dated on occasion - but thinks most guys are jerks.She is still a virgin and proud of it. She wants to wait for marriage. We have talks about not trying to " look " for a husband, but just plan and live your life. Maybe you'll find someone or maybe you won't. Either way you've got OKness. Yes, I do worry (probably a bit too much ) about how much the sins of the father will effect them. My husband and I have agreed that they will go and meet with our counselor at the proper time.
I still believe that in a Godly marriage the husband and wife become one , not dependent on each other ,but a loving part of each other. I pray that for my marriage . I don't know if it will happen, but I'm going to keep on fighting for it until my Father tells me other wise.
I pray you hear God's answer for you,
Mustardseed3
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2010 3:23:54 GMT -7
Dear Devastated Wife,
I am so thankful for your responses to my first Blazing Grace post. I am reading through your posts hoping to absorb some of your experiences. I came across this post and even though it's several months old, I felt the need to respond.
I too have a daughter and have thought long and hard about advice I would give her. And let me take that a step further and say that I have thought about what to advise all my children (boys, too). Based on my own life experiences, I would encourage them to find a careers that are both rewarding and financially secure. I do believe people should do what they love. But I also believe that they can find something they love that can also provide for them financially. Throughout their entire lives, we have tried to expose our children to as many new and different experiences as possible. It has always been our belief that this is the only way to open their "windows".
Your post stated you would recommend a financially stable career and advise your daughter to work family around it. I took the opposite route with my second career. My second career was chosen based on my family needs. It provides me with financial security and the flexibility of hours that enable me to choose when I want to work. It was never at the top of my list as far as favorite things to do. But knowing that I am being rewarded with that flexibility makes it the most wonderful career in the world for me. Having my "window" open allowed me to achieve some balance between work and home.
I myself, have had two successful and rewarding careers in unrelated fields that have provided financial security. I am confident that I am able to provide for my children without the support of a husband. I instill in my children the idea of "preparation". We must all be prepared to handle as much as we can. No one knows what's in store for us. Be it divorce or death, being alone is a very realistic possibility.
This preparation is essential for them to embark on what I believe is the greatest journey of all...parenthood. I believe that children and family are the greatest blessing that God bestows on us. My family is my source of joy and I thank the Lord daily that they are with me. No career, no amount of money can ever replace the feeling of fulfillment that they provide. From them I learn, I smile, I laugh, I exist! They are my reason for living.
The best piece of advice I was offered about juggling family and work was "You can do anything you want, you just can't do everything you want". I thank the Lord that I was given that advice early in life because I've used it with all my decisions. It's helped me put things into perspective and prioritize my life with what truly matters. That is the advice I will hand to all my children, my daughter AND my sons.
My advice is based on my own experience. It there to be taken or left or simply to initiate some thought.
Again, thank you for YOUR words of wisdom.
AllAlone
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2010 4:10:15 GMT -7
Dear Allalone,
My first career was as an accountant.....a CPA. I went to law school in mid-life. I am now a self-employed attorney-CPA. Being a sole practioner gives me flexibility, but I still find it difficult to cover all of the bases........make sure my clients are well-served and make sure my kids are well served. The juggling never ends.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2010 5:23:10 GMT -7
I personally know a significant number of men who are trustworthy and upright. Though I don't know what their sexual struggles are, I know that they proudly and lovingly attend to their wives and children. True, loving leaders. My own father in law is like that to me. He continually makes sacrifices for his family.
As I raise my three daughters, I plan to tell them to work on their own excellence, as any man of quality will be looking for an excellent woman. I also plan on teaching them a lot about men, what the red flags are, what good character looks like, etc. I plan on coaching them about men. Whether they choose to listen or not is their free will. All I can do is try. Falling in love is a beautiful part of life and family is a gift from God. We just have to choose WISELY.
My mom set aside two private bank accounts, for me and my sister. She told us they were for us alone, in case something happened with our marriages. She said the money was not to be touched by our husbands, but us alone (our husbands hate this). She said it was 'just in case'. Well, I dipped in to my account three years ago when I had to separate during my husband's affair. I used $10,000, which was all of it. My mom just told me 'that's what its there for', and to this day she has not said a single word about paying it back. Of course, I know she is disappointed that I chose to stay in the marriage. Yep, that's my hero mom.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2010 11:36:37 GMT -7
I'm re-reading some of the posts here as I sit in the hospital watching over my Mom.
My latest revelation on this question is "Never live your life around a man. Never." And Mustard Seed provided some really good advice: Live your life for the Lord, all else will take care of itself.
The boards are quiet. I hope that means there is healing underway.
Praying for all..........DW
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2010 3:05:30 GMT -7
Hi DW,
Hope all is well with your Mom. Yes, the boards have been quiet and I'm not sure what that really means. I continue to hang in there...not really sure about much of anything.
I've switched therapists and for now, I'm happy with my decision. Our old therapist - one that both my husband and I were seeing - hasn't been of any real help for months. Actually, if I think back, any progress that was made was either at my suggestion or insistence. Although I haven't seen her for months, my husband has continued. When I ask him if she's helping, his reply was that she "helps him spiritually". I've often asked him, "what does that mean"? What does she do or say that "helps you spiritually"? He could never really put into words what that meant.
We talked alot about it over the weekend and are open to one real possibility. She's a reminder of the "good" things about his childhood. His family was very religious. (Unfortunately, to the point where it was more important to get to heaven then to take care of your kids.) I hate to say this, it's almost as if she's an enabler for him. "It's OK, God loves you"! Yes, God does love him but he still needs to get off his a** and do the work!!!!
Anyway, he saw a new therapist last night, one that's a bit more straight forward and to the point. I think he made a wise choice and he will see some differences in himself.
All that being said...I'm still struggling. I'm starting to question whether I want this marriage at all. Even if he gets with the program and starts changing, he is still an addict. Do I really want to live with that stress? Will I have to question everything he says or does for the rest of our lives? Can I have sex with a man knowing there's a real possibility I might "catch" something as a result of a momentary "slip" on his part?
I posted a question about those very points a while back and never received a response. I was looking for answers from those couples that did stay married. I wanted to know how they lived their lives as a couple with this addiction. No one responded. Is that because there are no successful marriages? Did I pose questions that made others wonder if they had made the right decisions?
My husband and I went to a few meetings for couples. I didn't find them helpful at all. Each meeting was about a topic and everyone had a turn to speak about their views on that topic. Afterwards, meeting adjourned!
I don't know what to do anymore. My husband has been out of the house since June and will be returning home the end of this month. Certainly not because we have reconciled, it's only for financial reasons that he's coming home. I'm not thrilled with the situation and hopefully with the help of our therapists we'll have some structured plan....what our life is supposed to look like.
I just get through one day at a time. This is a never ending roller coaster and I never know if I'll be up or down. I do believe one way or another this will all work out. I have to trust myself to know when the downs outweigh the ups and when the ups are good enough to handle a few downs. We'll see.....
Take care,
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2010 1:13:44 GMT -7
Allalone,
I read your last post back when you wrote it and related deeply with your questions. I didnt want to respond with my experience hoping someone would have responded with a more positive outlook.
My husband and I have done the counseling, the groups. At one point we were each seeing our own counselor, a christian marriage counselor together and seeing a sex addiction therapist together and separately. I thought things were going to be better. And they were. For a little while. My experience has been a roller coaster for 10+ years. It only gets better for a little while...then he's back at it. Lying, denying, hiding, cheating...you name it. Everytime is a little different as he gets sneakier or change it up a bit for whatever reason. As I have noticed as he re-cycles over and over again the transgressions have become more and more severe and the period in which he is indulging lasts a little longer. And each time he is seemingly less remorseful. Yes, I have trusted him many times, thinking it will be different...only to find it was the same--usually long after his "truthful" admission has one way or another been shown to be yet another web of lies. I don't know how these other women deal with the slip ups. Why would God want us to deal with that for the rest of our lives? Does it make us stronger or are we somehow weak and become weaker every time we choose to look past or forgive his "slip ups" time and time again?? Maybe not all addicts continue in their behavior, but there is always that chance. Is he so wonderful that it's worth risking? What if you do catch something? Not everything has a cure. Ooops. He slips up and because you decided to be "Christ-like" and stick it out with him you are forever to live with some disease you didn't ask for. My husband has moved out and back in always due to financial hardship. It's hard not to hope for the best, but I think you have to listen to what God wants you to do. Don't give up or give in unless you know if that is what He wants for you. Pray always. He will help you to know. I wish I had a little more time to write more and fine tune this...I think it's a little scattered. I apologize for that and hope it will make sense and help in someway. I wish you the best of luck and pray you will find the answers you are searching for.
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