Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2009 15:15:26 GMT -7
I have been porn and masturbation free for 6 months now and I believe that it is God's grace that I have. When my wife found porn on our computer last june and confronted me I found it hard to admit that I had an addiction problem. Since that time I've accepted that fact and have done an online course to get sober and stay sober. That course is a life saver!
Our problem now, as I see it, is that I'm not changing fast enough to suite my wife. I am frustrated by this beyond words! Can anybody give any advice that may help here?
Bob
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2009 23:49:19 GMT -7
Hi Bob,
What type(s) of change do you believe your wife is looking for beyond freedom from acting out? Is marriage counseling, with your pastor or Christian counselor a possibility? Sometimes a mediator can assist in bridging communication gaps.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2009 4:24:24 GMT -7
Hi Bob,
Your wife wants her world back. She desperately wants to return to "normal," to regain her sense of safety and security. She wants the man she thought she married to magically appear before her eyes and she wants it now. I've been there.
The reality: This addiction undoubtedly has its roots in your childhood. It sprouted in your adolescence. It grew into full bloom during your adulthood. The work that needs to be done to uproot this cannot be done in a matter of months. That reality doesn't change the way your wife feels.
Please, see a Christian counselor, preferably one who specializes in sexual addiction. It can make a world of difference.
Praying for you.......
My best, Devastated Wife
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2009 9:56:19 GMT -7
Truthseeker ,
Thanks for a quick response!
The change that my wife is seeking, if I understand correctly, is for me to allow God's love to flow thru me to her and others. I seem to have a problem accepting God's love and you can probably tell the outcome there. My temper has been very short lately. (side note: I am seeing a christian counsellor but he's on vacation til Jan.) My wife is concerned that without him I will not move forward with healing. She's also upset that I haven't shown her enough "cash"... words do not suffice since I've broken trust. I know that this is a mess that I caused and that only I can fix it, but last evening I was given until Jan to show significant improvement or she wants a separation. During an argument last evening I grabbed her by the arm in an attempt to keep her from walking away from the heated discussion. She viewed it as abuse. I suppose it was since I am quite a bit larger than she is. I have apologized. Those types of actions really aren't acceptable and I have asked God to forgive me and help me remain calm during moments like that. Funny thing is, I felt more passion between us then than I have in years. Any way, I'm praying that she won't have to leave and that our marriage of 33 yrs will survive this and grow stronger.
May God bless you,
Bob
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2009 0:24:00 GMT -7
Bob,
I've just started reading "Your sexually addicted spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. Perhaps this book would help your wife.
From the back cover:
"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse includes:
Positive steps to recovery from the trauma and post-traumatic stress suffered.
Healing affirmations and personal stories for the journey to renewal.
Promising strategies, leading to empowerment, health and hope.
Reference guide for readers, mental health professionals and clergy counseling those affected."
This is the first book I've found that really addresses what I've thought and felt after finding out that my husband of 23 years is a porn addict. This book describes the shell shock and I hope to find additional tips on healing for the wife. The book doesn't assume that those of us who ended up married to porn addicts are sick and in need of a 12-step program to deal with our issues. This book recognizes and validates the trauma that we experience and paints the resulting behaviors as normal responses to trauma. The authors even suggest that wives of sex addicts suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Bob, you've got to walk the walk, and the walk better be along the straight and narrow path. What your wife is calling "cash".....I call "walking the walk." For me, talk is cheap and means nothing. I now assume my husband is lying until proven otherwise. I suspect your wife is in the same place.
Praying for you.......
My best, Devastated Wife
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2009 13:50:21 GMT -7
Dear DW,
Thanks for the info about the book. I will certainly look for it.
I am aware that I need to walk the very narrow path and am doing my best to do so. I really thought this process would be easier! But then one of my uncles always said, "who ever told you it would be easy?" The honest answer to that is nobody but I think most of us, (especially addicts), would like it to be. If we actually thought about it we would understand that life will never be "easy" but that it will be well worth it. Speaking of books, I recently read A GAME PLAN FOR LIFE by Joe Gibbs and found in its pages some very interesting an helpful advice. It was written for men like me who need direction and some correction and a plan for the rest of our lives. I highly recommend it! In fact, my son will receive a copy for Christmas with the hope that he can get a jump start on his life.
Thank you for your prayers and we will keep you in ours,
Bob
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2009 12:13:42 GMT -7
Hi,
Thought I'd send an update to this thread. The Saturday before Christmas as I was praying in the morning, I recieved a revelation pertaining to my personal situation. God revealed that I have suffered most of my life with a profound sense of worthlessness. I know it was God because it was accompanied by no guilt and I felt a sense of true worth for the first tlme in my life!! Praise Him!!! Since then things have been much better between my wife and I and my attitude has improved 1,000 percent! Why I felt worthless most of my life is a topic which I will explore in more detail with my counselor at next visit. I now know that it was the sense of worthlessness that drove me to act out and to abuse myself in other ways. I have literally maimed myself to get jobs done at work. Now as I think about this whole situation, I wonder where it will lead and will I ever truly recognize my full potential? I pray that I do! I want to thank you all for your encouragement and prayers and let you know that it works!
I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and will have a Happy and prosperous New Year!!
Bob
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2009 13:40:04 GMT -7
Dear Bob,
Praise God! Your revelation was undoubtedly sent from heaven.
It sounds as if you learned that you were only valued when you performed, so you became a "human doing" instead of a "human being." My therapist told me that at the root of this addiction is an intimacy disorder which formed in response to an attachment disorder with one or both caregivers. You might want to explore your true feelings about your parents and whether you only felt valued when you performed or whether you felt valued simply because you were you. In high functioning, high achieving families, very often, kids get the message that they are only "worthy" when they perform. I know that's what happened in my husband's case. I suspect it may have happened to you too.
May God continue to lead you and present you with new insight as you heal and recover.
My best, Devastated Wife.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2010 8:40:54 GMT -7
Dear DW, Sounds like your husband and I may have had the same parents! I've known for years that I needed to balance my life between the being and the doing, but have never been very successful at it. Probably because of the ingrained training. God, however, has been doing His best to intercede and help me learn how to be a human with all the successes and failures that go along with that. I am now recovering from some sort of the flu. Started Jan 7 and turned into a case of bronchitis that has me on antibiotics now. I have been unable to go to work because I have been incredibly weak and in need of alot of sleep. I thought that I might make it to work today but couldn't. Perhaps tomorrow. This situation to a former workaholic is very unacceptable and is beginning to drive me crazy. Oh, I neglected to mention that I also gave up my 40 yr cigarette habit during the flu period.  I can tell you that without God this is not possible!!! My Dr. said that in about 3 wks I will feel much better simply due to the smoking cessation. This I am looking forward to! I am still free from any sexual acting out, Praise God!! I bought my wife a copy of the book you recommended and she has been very happy with it so far, I'm not sure if I am but if it helps her I'm good. Thanks again! I pray that you have been well! Bob |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 13, 2011 10:37:56 GMT -7
Back again! It has been over a year since I've posted here and what a year it was! I thought I had accepted the fact that I am a sex addict but lo and behold, I had not. I found out in January of 2011 that I had been lying to myself and everyone around me and had not truly embraced the fact. Now I have joined an SA group which I meet with weekly and until recently had a few months of "sobriety" under my belt. Last tuesday that changed. After struggling with temptation for 2 weeks I gave in and broke my sobriety. I knew I had to tell someone asap and since tuesday evening is my SA group nite, they heard first. Then I came home and told my wife. Needless to say she was less than excited about the news. I learned a couple of things from this experience: 1. Sobriety is very fragile and must be enforced with God every day or it will break. 2. I now know that if I am struggling then I need to seek God immediately because temptation is knocking at the door! and I suck at resisting temptation on my own!. 3. Definitely most important... God is right there every time I turn to Him! AT least now I know what to do with my mind! Pray that it gets renewed so that my wife and I can have a happy, contented life together.
I'm back on the road to recovery with a new set of guidelines from my wife and new realizations about myself that need work. This process will take time, which due to my age is dwindling so I must get a move on. Any and all support is greatly desired and appreciated!
Bob
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 31, 2011 16:11:33 GMT -7
Hello to anyone who will listen! :shock:
When I started this page, I really was confused as to what to do with my mind. Now a year + later, I know what to do with my mind! I've learned that if I take my mind off of me and place it on God and Godly matters I not only can think better but I feel much more free! I believe that God told me last week that I have been a totally self absorbed individual for most of my life:(. He also told me that that is because I had been trained that way! That I no longer have to live that way and to begin to deny my self and focus on ministering to others as the way to recovery. What a concept:)! In order to be fulfilled I need to forget about being fulfilled and concern myself with fulfilling others!
I know that I have a long row to hoe and that it will most likely take years of praying and searching to uncover and confess all the self centered crap that I have held on to, but this journey is going to be exciting and holy and fun. Very different than the last 50 yrs that have been a lie and quite miserable at times:X. I have been wrong:(! I once was lost, but now I'm found:D!
AMAZiNG GRACE!
Bob
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 31, 2011 16:56:46 GMT -7
Hi Bob,
It sounds like you have made some wonderful progress in understanding yourself. Praise God!
The only caution I would offer is to measure the energy you put in to serving others. It is possible that the pendulum could swing too far in that direction and that that could become your new addiction. Balance is the key.
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2011 5:25:10 GMT -7
Truthseeker,
Thank you so very much for your encouragement!!
I agree that balance is key to everything and I take your caution very seriously.
In Him,
Bob
|
|
I can tell you that without God this is not possible!!! My Dr. said that in about 3 wks I will feel much better simply due to the smoking cessation. This I am looking forward to! I am still free from any sexual acting out, Praise God!! I bought my wife a copy of the book you recommended and she has been very happy with it so far, I'm not sure if I am but if it helps her I'm good. Thanks again! I pray that you have been well!