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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 16:06:22 GMT -7
I have been going through this board for quite some time now...and have gone out silently..always embarrased to accept my problem ...im at the end of the road pretty much...i used to look at porn on and off right from my teenage days..i come from a very traditional christian family and my parents are involved in the ministry. I am having serious issues with my family life as well. My wife and i fight all the time....I want to quit this right now and god knows i have tried hard. it works for a week but fail over and over again. I really want all of this to stop. I want God to fulfill his purpose in my life and i want to stop this behaviour of mine before it results in irrevocable damage to my relationship. I would like your prayers as i start once again my pathetic attempts to climb out from bottom of the pit of mire.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 23:32:38 GMT -7
Welcome!
For me, addictive behavior and arguments within the family have been very much part of a single package. I ignored my wife, and she knew something was wrong, even if not what. Angry at myself, I became angry at others. Unable to control myself, I tried to control others. Worst, without knowing it, I would cause family arguments in order to be able to say, "See? My needs are not being met here. My only path is to isolate and go away and meet my needs another way." So it's possible that addressing your addictive behavior can make a huge difference in intimacy and love within the family.
If you've failed by yourself and have found that your efforts are pathetic, then perhaps it's time to think about getting help? People overcome addictions of all kinds every day, but for most of us, it doesn't happen alone. Addiction is all about isolation, and one can't overcome isolation alone. I know I need the help of others in the form of counselors and my fellow addicts in the 12-step program, and in the form of a few family members and friends with whom I can finally be honest.
The first step of the 12-step program says, "We admitted that we were powerless . . . that our lives had become unmanageable." That's a horrible admission to have to make, but it can also be incredibly liberating, a source of vast hope. "Yes, it has never worked the way I did it before, and it never can work that way. So now let me give that up, start trusting others, and really do something new that I can see working for others." For me and for thousands of people, that has been the start of a new life. So if your efforts really are and will always be pathetic, maybe it's time to surrender, to let go, to trust, and to try another way. There is hope out there for all os us.
Glad you're here.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2009 1:05:11 GMT -7
Welcome AmazingGrace!
I would like to echo and amplify TM2's comments. I married a porn addict but I did not know it at the time. Here's what I did realize and what led to so much discord that I was ready to leave on my first anniversary:
1. "Love, honor and cherish" became "Ignore, belittle and tolerate" the instant I turned around from the altar and processed out of the church. It was a like a light switch turned off. It was bizarre. The man I dated and the man I married were two completely different people.
2. The loving, caring, giving man I dated turned into a selfish, self-centered, demanding ogre.
3. After two series of marriage counseling sessions (He did not own up to his addiction during either series), 15 years of subordinating my needs to his, 15 years of emotional abuse and arguing, I absolutely refused to have sex with him. That provided him with a perfect excuse to indulge his addiction with reckless abandon. I realize that Biblically, it was wrong of me to do that, but I had dragged him to counseling, explained my needs in plain English, begged, pleaded, cajoled all to no avail. I was dying inside and I could not communicate the pain of unmet needs to him any other way. Please listen to your wife. She may be asking you to meet her needs---directly or indirectly---but I would be willing to bet the disagreements stem from unmet needs.
I obviously do not know your wife, but I would be willing to be she does know something is terribly wrong, she can't put her finger on it, but she knows something is TERRIBLY wrong. She has a sixth sense and it is only a matter of time before she figures it out.
I would urge you to get help. "Porn addiction is not addiction-lite, it cannot be treated using recovery-lite." My therapist told me that a cocaine addicted brain and a porn addicted brain are nearly identical on MRI. Please do not discount the strength of the addiction that you are battling. There is a spiritual component, a psychological component, a neurochemical component and a behavioral component. You need to address all simultaneously or chances are good your attempts at recovery will fail.
Please consider confessing to your wife. Perhaps see your pastor first, discuss the problem with him/her, and bring your wife in to ask for her help and forgiveness. Your wife can be a tremendous ally in your fight, but if she finds the porn or otherwise learns that you have been unfaithful to her by other means, the addiction will be the least of your problems.
I will be praying for you and all those impacted by porn addiction.......
My best, Devastated Wife
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2009 16:47:20 GMT -7
I have to agree as a wife of a current battling addict , that finding out on your own is very hard. I really wish i would have been told, instead of finding it (porn). Both cases are painful, but i can't help but think it would have helped if he had told me. Because it wasn't just his being unfaithful, it was him hiding it, i even asked him in the begining of our relationship if he had any problems with that, or if he ever did to please tell me and not lie about it, because the lying only makes it that much more painful. He was afriad to tell me because it would hurt me, but in the end i was just hurt more, and he wishes that he had just told me. I pray you find Hope,Grace and of course Freedom from this, keep your eyes on Jesus.
It's great you are here.
~K.
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