Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2009 8:09:05 GMT -7
I need some advice from other husbands who may know how my husband is feeling.
Two years ago, my husband had an affair. He ended it and we worked hard to rebuild our marriage for a year and a half. He was so wonderful to me.....caring for my heart, answering questions, calming my fears and insecurities. He was so repentant and worked so hard to rebuild trust. We had rebuilt a lot but were still working.
At the beginning of this year, my husband started a new job. Ever since then, things have fallen apart. The hours were horrendous so we had no time together. He was coming home so late sometimes that the triggers of the affair were too much for me to handle. He tried so hard to calm my fears but the situation was just too much for us to handle after what we had been through. When he felt like he wasn't able to reassure me, he finally just gave up because he was so overwhelmed. That sent me into a tailspin because he had always been so attentive to the rebuilding of our marriage so when he pulled away, it just created more fears in me, which caused him to become more distant.....vicious cycle.
On top of that, then he started hiding things which he thought might cause me to worry to avoid further issues. That just created more trust issues. Now he tells me that he knows my trust issues and fears are valid and his fault, but he's so overwhelmed with trying to build trust that he just can't do it right now.
I think he feels like a failure. I think he's so angry with himself for taking a new job that wrecked everything and for making some mistakes that have made things worse. I know he loves me and cares deep down.....I've seen him break down a few times even over the mess we are in and pain he's caused. I think he's so angry that he worked so hard to rebuild our marriage and now has to start over.
For a few months, I tried to give him an emotional break but because the trust building ceased, I am constantly battling what might really be going on. I've been in a panic so many times. I've really had to lean on God for my security and to feel loved. I am finally at a place where I'm really trying to not go to my husband for my emotional needs. He can't handle it and I never feel better anyway. If he really just needs an emotional break, I need to give it to him. But he has also started doing things like wanting to go out with friends a lot after work and have drinks and things that I don't feel are building trust. It's like he has a whole new life.....he's a person he's never been. He's always loved spending time with our family more than anything.
I know there's a chance that something is going on.....like another affair. But I would like to hear responses assuming that he's not.....assuming that he reallly is just overwhelmed.
How do I help him not be overwhelmed? I'm trying to not ask him to meet my needs....fears, etc. But I feel so stripped as a wife......I feel lonely, unloved, undesirable, we have no time together.....It's just so hard to completely give up all my needs. Any advice from anyone who might understand his heart or feelings?
I remember after his affair when we used to talk about things that had happened during it, he admitted that during the affair, he couldn't stand the pain he was causing me. It was so painful for him to think of me hurting so he just shut off his heart to me so he didn't have to think about it. I think there might be a similar dynamic going on now....not sure.
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Two years ago, my husband had an affair. He ended it and we worked hard to rebuild our marriage for a year and a half. He was so wonderful to me.....caring for my heart, answering questions, calming my fears and insecurities. He was so repentant and worked so hard to rebuild trust. We had rebuilt a lot but were still working.
At the beginning of this year, my husband started a new job. Ever since then, things have fallen apart. The hours were horrendous so we had no time together. He was coming home so late sometimes that the triggers of the affair were too much for me to handle. He tried so hard to calm my fears but the situation was just too much for us to handle after what we had been through. When he felt like he wasn't able to reassure me, he finally just gave up because he was so overwhelmed. That sent me into a tailspin because he had always been so attentive to the rebuilding of our marriage so when he pulled away, it just created more fears in me, which caused him to become more distant.....vicious cycle.
On top of that, then he started hiding things which he thought might cause me to worry to avoid further issues. That just created more trust issues. Now he tells me that he knows my trust issues and fears are valid and his fault, but he's so overwhelmed with trying to build trust that he just can't do it right now.
I think he feels like a failure. I think he's so angry with himself for taking a new job that wrecked everything and for making some mistakes that have made things worse. I know he loves me and cares deep down.....I've seen him break down a few times even over the mess we are in and pain he's caused. I think he's so angry that he worked so hard to rebuild our marriage and now has to start over.
For a few months, I tried to give him an emotional break but because the trust building ceased, I am constantly battling what might really be going on. I've been in a panic so many times. I've really had to lean on God for my security and to feel loved. I am finally at a place where I'm really trying to not go to my husband for my emotional needs. He can't handle it and I never feel better anyway. If he really just needs an emotional break, I need to give it to him. But he has also started doing things like wanting to go out with friends a lot after work and have drinks and things that I don't feel are building trust. It's like he has a whole new life.....he's a person he's never been. He's always loved spending time with our family more than anything.
I know there's a chance that something is going on.....like another affair. But I would like to hear responses assuming that he's not.....assuming that he reallly is just overwhelmed.
How do I help him not be overwhelmed? I'm trying to not ask him to meet my needs....fears, etc. But I feel so stripped as a wife......I feel lonely, unloved, undesirable, we have no time together.....It's just so hard to completely give up all my needs. Any advice from anyone who might understand his heart or feelings?
I remember after his affair when we used to talk about things that had happened during it, he admitted that during the affair, he couldn't stand the pain he was causing me. It was so painful for him to think of me hurting so he just shut off his heart to me so he didn't have to think about it. I think there might be a similar dynamic going on now....not sure.
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