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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2009 7:50:01 GMT -7
Well, in an effort to help my husband overcome his addiction to porn, I've subordinated my needs, again, to give him a physical outlet so he can deal with the emotional. This morning, he said "You are the director of this scene" meaning, "tell me what you want." He said it without any thought. He couldn't ask me what I wanted, or listen to my response, he couldn't be emotionally present, so he put me in the position of "director." Dear God in heaven, I cry out to you. It's obvious to me that he's still running porno movie in his head. I confronted him almost immediately. He denied that he is watching a porno movie every time we're intimate, but with that comment, what else could it be? I'm the director of the scene rather than his loving wife with needs of her own? Dear God, I must be some kind of stupid for trying to make this work. The objectification continues. The separation of the emotional from the physical continues. This really is a fracture of the person into two halves; a split in the personality about which Mike Genung writes, here: www.blazinggrace.org/cms/bg/masturbation and he has no idea that he is a broken man. He's spent 30+ years destroying his mind, spirit and soul with a sick and twisted view of human sexuality. The Devil has been working overtime. I realize it is unreasonable to believe the effects will be or can be overcome quickly. Will the objectification ever end? That's a rhetorical question. I know the Lord can heal him, if he will accept it. I could be "Emily." I found this to be very helpful: www.pureintimacy.org/piArticles/A000000485.cfmMy counselor recommended a book that seems appropriate, Women Who Love Too Much. It seems it might be appropriate for other women who are asking themselves how they got involved with the man they did and need help in understanding their own wounds. I've only read 100 of the 300 pages, but I'd recommend it to wives who are struggling through some of these questions. |
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 6:23:49 GMT -7
Dear Devastated Wife,
I have been reading your posts and have some questions for you in particular.
First of all, you are a great writer! You are obviously very intelligent and well read.
If you knew about your husband's porn problem ten or fifteen years ago, would you have left him then? Would you have left him when your children were toddlers? Those questions are based on him not being repentant and continuing on in sin.
You are also obviously on the higher income range. What if you were low income?
Have you read, or implemented Dr. Dobson's 'Love Must Be Tough'? Have you considered setting an ultimatum with your husband?
So sorry about your pain. After 23 years of loyalty you should be honored!
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 7:47:04 GMT -7
Dear Babette,
I came very close to leaving him when my children were toddlers. That was when I forced him into therapy the first time. I did not know he was a porn addict, I just saw all the signs and symptoms, the emotional unavailability, etc. That is when I believe he had a phyical affair. If I had known then what I know now, there is no question that I would have left him. None.
I understand that women stay in these relationships because they feel as though they have no alternative financially. I think that is one of the devil's most convincing lies. We always have alternatives. Rich or poor, high income or low, my advice is see a competant divorce attorney and to leave. Men continue to do this because they can.
I think my children suffered mightily from their Dad's unavailability. I don't think you can put a price tag on that. I wish I would have had the knowledge and the fortitude to act on that knowledge when it could have made a difference in my children's lives. That is my biggest regret.
I have given him many ultimata: 1. It's me or the porn. 2. Enter therapy and a 12-step program or pack your stuff and leave. 3. Sign this marital settlement agreement if you want me to spend any more energy on this relationship or another 30 seconds in it. 4. I assumed control of the majority of the assets without his assent.
I forced him into therapy at the figurative point of a gun. I've given him two years to get it together---the no-fault divorce statute of limitations in my state. Thank you for your kind words about my writing........
I wish you well and I will add you to my prayer list.
My best, Devastated Wife
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 7:55:26 GMT -7
Your husband sounds just as slippery as mine. I have had to lay down ultimatums about other things, in the past, and he manages to slip out of them. He has no desire to change unless he is caught, then he 'tries' to change, finds it too difficult, shrugs it off and continues on.
It is the shrugging off, the 'oh, well', that is so hard to deal with. They will not do anything of their own accord, only if they are backed in to the corner.
How would you have treated your kids differently? Are you saying it would have been better for them to grow up in a divorced family?
It feels like divorce would simply be trading in one set of problems for another. What would have been best for your children? That is my utmost question.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2010 8:51:47 GMT -7
Babette,
If I had divorced him, I want to believe I would have found another man to serve as their earthly father. My husband never interacted with the kids unless I forced him into it. The kids saw that. I think that has set them up for their own set of problems going forward. Mike Genung has written about "facing the father wounds," here: www.urbansermons.org/f/wiki/healing-wives-whove-been-hurt-adultery-porn-addiction
Is it more hurtful for kids to grow up seeing their father reject them on a daily basis than it is to grow up with no father at all? I suspect so, although I have no proof. If I had known then what I know now, I would have left him in a heartbeat.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 12:08:01 GMT -7
Wow............. This is the first time I have seen this post DW.............. ((((hugs))))) are we married to the same man? :-) I am seeing over & over again through out these posts................. the very same types of things described in others lives.......... and I thought I was all alone .......... My conclusion now is this I suppose..........
Matthew 9:12
12[/suP]On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.
When did we sign up for this?? :-( Where is the Alanis Morrisette song that was posted the other day? Dang.....
I don't wanna be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't wanna be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer and
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air ah
I don't wanna be adored for what i merely represent to you
An' i don't wanna be your babysitter you're a very big boy now
I don't wanna be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door
Visitin' hours are nine to five and if i show up at ten past six
Well i already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in
And oh mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and i am not the doctor
Oh oh am not the oh
I don't wanna be the sweeper of the eggshells that you walk upon
And i don't wanna be your other half i believe that one and one make two
I don't wanna be your food or the light from the fridge
On your face at midnight hey what are you hungry for?
I don't wanna be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't wanna be your idol
See this pedestal is high and i'm afraid of heights
I don't wanna be lived through a vicarious occasion
Please open the window
Visitin' hours are nine to five and if i show up at ten past six
Well i already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in
And oh mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and i am not the doctor
Oh oh i am not the oh
I don't wanna live on someday when my motto is last week
And i i don't wanna be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
An' i don't wanna be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhalin'
Well what do you think me what do you think me for?
Visitin' hours are nine to five and if i show up at ten past six
Well i already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in
And oh mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and i am not the doctor
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