I feel so ugly

Hi Needs Watering,
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this enormous struggle.  The things you are feeling are very frequently experienced by spouses.
 
I don't know how much you have read about pornography addiction so far, but it is not a reflection on the spouse's appearance, rather on brokenness from the person's past, (probably long before even meeting you,) that they are attempting to numb with porn as some use alcohol or drugs.  This is a generalization of underlying factors, of course, but it usually has little or nothing to do with the couple's relationship.
 
Rebuilding trust and security takes time, and differs from couple to couple.
 
It is important for us wives to connect with a trusted female friend with whom we can share this struggle.  I would not recommend family, unless there is absolutely no one else you deem trustworthy, as they tend to be so emotionally involved with you.  Journaling is also a good outlet for the overflow of pain.  These are in addition, of course, to pouring your heart out to God in prayer.
 
We are very prone to wrap our self-image up in our relationship with our husband, but please try to focus on your worth coming from God's love for you, and the value Jesus placed on you by redeeming you on the cross.
 
Hugs and prayers,
TruthSeeker

Hi, and thank you all for your kind support.

I have done quite a bit of reading and I have read that the addiction is not my fault but at the moment my logic and my emotions feel as though they are in two very different places.

While my husband has agreed (after much persuasion) to cut off the stumbling blocks, he seems to think that it is enough to get our marriage back.  It's as though he wants me to get over it over night.  He doesn't seem to want to do anything extra to show that he loves me or to try and rebuild trust.  When I try and explain how I feel, he gets angry and asks why I can't see how much he is doing for me.  But I honestly can't see it.  I feel that cutting off the stumbling blocks is essential for us even to stay together but in order to rebuild our marriage it is going to take a lot more than that. 

Part of me thinks that a separation is the only way,  so that he can see the seriousness of what we are going through and decide whether he loves me enough to want to nurture our marriage back to life or not.  But I am also scared that this will cause more damage than good. 

How do I communicate to him that I need more, without causing conflict?

Blessings to you all

Needs Watering

Hi Needs Watering,
 
Yes, you are so right.  The mind does not have the capacity to heal a wounded heart.
 
I'm not sure that I have any insight about communicating your needs without upsetting your husband, as my experience was that my husband was broken with my pain, perhaps even feeling that I had more right to vent than I chose to.  So these thoughts are theoretical, not tried, at least by me.
 
First, I think that in a lot of relationships, not just marriage, one person expresses their caring in one way, but the other does not recognize it because they are accustomed to interpreting care by a different set of criteria.  I don't know if you are familiar at all with the books about the Five Love Languages, but that's basically what I'm talking about.  As an illustration, I have a friend whose partner puts in long, hard days at work, which he seems to believe expresses his love for her.  But when all he wants to do when he gets home is veg in front of the TV and not interact with her, she feels hurt.  I don't know what your H is doing that he believes is doing so much for you, but it clearly does not reflect your perception of your needs.  Has he specified exactly what he believes he's doing and thinks should be sufficient?  Realizing that you are speaking different languages in this regard may be a starting point.  Also, it is important to express respect for what he is doing, even if it is not all that is needed.
 
I don't know if your H would be receptive, but sometimes a letter can ask questions to which you would like answers, and help express feelings without interruption.  A letter, if you can time it so he has time to read and process it while you are not there, removes the pressure of immediate response/defensiveness.  That is not to say that he won't feel defensive, but if he takes the time to write out a response, he has more time to  process it all.  It may simply not be possible to progress without some conflict, which as John said, may be aided by engaging the assistance of a third party.  Have you asked if he would consider meeting with your pastor?  Some conflict is necessary, albeit unpleasant, in order to get everything in to the light.  Addiction thrives on the hidden and the secret.
 
I don't know whether an analogy like this might help.  He seems to feel that his porn use has given you a skinned knee, when it has actually caused a deep gash, perhaps even with a broken bone, which must have layers of stitches, or even setting and casting.  Antibiotics are essential for avoiding infection, not just an over the counter spray or cream and a bandage.
 
Though there could be this type of communication disconnect between what he thinks you need to move on, and what you think you need to move on, it is also possible that he doesn't want to acknowledge the depth of your pain, because it makes him face the depth of the roots of this addiction.  Until he is willing to find and tear up those roots, be it a bad or absent relationship with his father, early exposure to porn, possibly even physical/sexual abuse, which may all require individual counselling, he is likely to be intimidated/accused by your pain.
 
It may be hard for him to grasp that for a woman visual adultery has only a thin line in our hearts from the physical act, but that's just how it is for most of us.  I've actually read about guys who aren't concerned about their wives looking at other men, as long as they don't get physical with them, but that just isn't the experience of most women I know.  For better or worse, even if it is just cultural mis-training, we wrap a lot of our self-esteem in our appearance, and being the only one our husband has eyes for.
 
Eliminating stumbling blocks is essential--it is called boundaries.  While Jesus may have employed some hyperbole when talking about plucking out eyes and cutting off hands, the principle is to be radical about dispensing with sources of temptation.  The question for all of us, not just men, is not "how close can I skate to temptation and not get sucked in," but rather "how close to God can I get--how far away from temptation can I stay?
 
In short, your H needs to understand that if he doesn't take the time to understand your needs in the healing process, he really doesn't have his marriage back.
 
I think you are wise to be cautious of separation.  Your presence provides a lot of accountability, and the closest vantage point from which to observe his progress.
 
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker

if a man is getting angry because you ask him to get rid of the "stumbling blocks" or if he is shifting the blame back on you IN ANY WAY. Then he is absolutely not truely experiencing Godly sorrow that leads to repentance. He still has not hit the point where his sin is ugly to him, other than it was ugly when he got caught by you. Jesus is the one to speak with, only his Spirit can break a man to the point that, by the Grace of God, he wants to repent because 1st he has sinned against our Holy and awesome giver of life, 2nd he has hurt you with his selfish sin. If a man isnt at that point then ask God to first cleanse you of any bitterness and unforgiveness towards him for his actions with porn, and then ask the Lord to give you compassion for him and a burden to pray for his "eyes" to be opened to what is really going on spiritually.

 

Walk in peace that Jesus gives sister, and remember that Jesus is preparing a place for us and he will come back to get us and take us to be with him